I go over the speech I’ve given all day about what to eat, and when to call me or head straight to the hospital. There’s a lot of scary possibilities and I like my patients to be informed. Allison and Bryce hold hands as I open the envelope.
I remove the bottle, write down the code on the bottom, and my heart sinks.
She’s on the placebo.
There’s nothing I can do now but watch the cancer spread and know that she will die. The medication alone will not be enough. I know it in my heart and for the first time in my fifteen-year career I feel the bad news on a personal level.
I keep my back to them, not wanting to give anything away, and place the vial in the machine. Each second, I feel the nerves in my stomach clenching. This is wrong. This is so very wrong.
How do I face her?
The decision was hers, but would she truly let herself die because she couldn’t carry a baby? She can still have a child—her and Bryce’s child.
But then I remember the letter. She won’t. She had to know and be advised at that time. I explained that to her as well, and she’s made her choice. When she first gave me the letter, while I disagreed, my code of ethics required me to accept the patient’s decision about her treatment. But that was when she had a high probability of the trial working for her. But now that she has the placebo, this is just all too real.
And I’m lying to everyone and have no one to talk to.
I close my eyes and pull myself together. I can’t give anything away. The rules are there and there was a chance this is how it would play out. Allison knew her risks and I need to keep that in the forefront of my mind.
Once I have a good handle on my emotions, I turn to face her. “All set,” I smile and touch her shoulder. “A nurse will come check on you soon. If you need anything else, just call.”
She takes my hand in hers. “Thank you, Dr. Adams. Thank you for this. I-I can’t,” Allison starts to get choked up. “I can’t tell you what this means to us. It’s like since we came here, everything is working out. This is all going exactly how it was meant to go.”
Funny, I feel the complete opposite way about her showing up.
“I’m glad. Now rest and I’ll be back soon,” I squeeze her hand, look at Bryce, and walk out of the room.
I can’t believe she has the placebo. This is exactly what I worried about. Damn it.
A hand wraps around my arm as I’m walking down the hall, causing me to stop.
I turn, but gasp when I see Bryce’s face. “She doesn’t have the medicine, does she?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I say quietly, pulling my arm back. I smile at the nurse who passes me in the hall.
Once she’s out of view, Bryce begins again. “I saw it on your face.”
I don’t know that I would believe it from anyone else, but he knows me. And he’s seen every emotion dance across my face before. Bryce once knew me better than I knew myself. “I can’t talk to you about any specifics regarding the trial, Mr. Peyton.”
He scoffs. “Don’t give me that shit, Chick. I know you. I know when you’re lying. Allison doesn’t have the drug.”
I have to hide any emotion and be the lead doctor right now. He’s exactly like any other patient’s husband who wants answers. I understand it, but I won’t jeopardize this trial. “I’m very sorry you think you saw something, however, I can’t tell you anything other than that she is receiving a dose of chemotherapy.”
“Serenity,” he nearly chokes on my name. “Please don’t lie to me. Just tell me the truth. She has the placebo and she’s going to be fucking crushed.”
That makes two of us.
“I’m sorry I can’t say more about this, but know that I’m doing everything I can to treat Allison within the bounds of the study while also respecting her choices.”
Bryce takes a step closer, defeat radiates off of him. Somehow he figured it out, and I won’t confirm it either way, but I’m breaking watching him like this. No matter what I feel for him, seeing someone you love in pain hurts worse than being in pain yourself.
Tears fill his eyes and he shakes his head. “Please, Ren.”
“Bryce,” I sigh. “I don’t know what you think you saw, but you have to trust me to do my job.”
He wipes his eyes before the drop falls. “I know you. I know what I saw and the fact that you haven’t said she has it confirms what I thought.”
“I can’t say anything about the trial, don’t you get that? Stop asking me for things that I can’t do. I agreed to treat Allison and now you need to go back to your wife, hold her hand, and be supportive. I can’t discuss this with anyone, especially you.”
This isn’t about just him and his wife. I’m sure that’s not easy for him, but if I say something, I’m risking everyone.
“I’m not just anyone.”
He’s right. He was once more than that, but he’s not anymore. “No, you’re Allison’s husband, and she needs you.”
Bryce takes two strides and pulls me into his arms. He holds me, tucking his head in my neck. My arms are down at my sides, and I can’t move. For years I’ve wondered how this would feel and it’s exactly like I dreamed. I close my eyes, breathing in the musky cologne that is all him, committing it to memory. His soft hair touches my cheek, and I fight the urge to rub my face against him. My heart races and the world around me disappears as the man I loved more than anything is touching me.
This is wrong, but I can’t make him stop.
I don’t know how long we stand like this, like two lost people searching for something to hold onto, but the sound of his sob breaks me. I wrap my arms around him, holding him close as he cries.
After a few seconds, he releases me. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay . . .”
“No, it’s not. Fuck.” Bryce rubs his temples. “I hate this. I hate that I’m falling apart. I hate watching her suffer. I hate that I have to lie about all of this.”
I step back, needing air and some space. “Lie about what?”
I’m the one who is going through hell lying to Westin, Julie, him, Allison, my patients, and most of all myself.
“This. Us. That we know each other.”
“It was your idea not to tell her,” I remind him. “You didn’t want her to know what we were.”
He leans against the wall across from me, both of us keeping our distance.
“Not that, I can’t do this. I can’t feel like this and I can’t ask you what I want to. I have to go back to her . . .” He looks down the hall.
Back to her.
Back to the woman he belongs to.
“Yeah, you should.” I look down at the ground.
Bryce doesn’t say another word, he pushes off the wall and walks away, leaving me a complete mess. Just like the night I left him.
“So we’ll talk every day?” I ask again as I stand in the driver’s side door.
“Every day.”
“And you won’t forget about me?”
Bryce rolls his eyes and then takes my hand. “Do you see this?” He lifts my hand with the diamond sitting there. “This is not something I’d forget. It’s my grandmother’s ring, it’s a family heirloom and only family wear it. You’re mine. You’re my family, Chick.”