I imagine if my mother were still alive, this is what she would’ve been like. Whenever we visited her, she was happy, feeling like she could beat the odds. I hear the hope in Mrs. Whitley’s voice, and I pray that she’ll get more days like this and I hope John returns tomorrow.
“It’s nearing, isn’t it?” she asks me after about twenty minutes into my visit.
“What is?”
She looks at me with knowing eyes. “You know what I’m talking about.”
“No, you’re having a small setback, but we’re all going to do what we can.”
Her hand touches mine. “Tell me about your doctor.”
“I think he’s upset with me.”
“What did you do?”
I scoff. “Me? Why couldn’t it be him?”
“Because I know you and he’s dreamy.”
“You’re smitten with him,” I say as I push back her white hair. “I don’t blame you, he’s a catch.”
Mrs. Whitley’s eyes close but she has a soft smile there. “Be sure to make it better because time isn’t a luxury we can afford to spend.”
“No, it’s not, but he’s hurt and so am I.”
She pats my hand, looking as though she’s drifting off. “Time heals all wounds.”
Time heals all wounds, but when you’re fighting a broken clock, each second counts.
Chapter 16
“So, how did it go today?” Rich asks as he places the cheeseburger platter in front of me.
“Great,” I say before shoving a fry in my mouth.
If great means embracing a married man in the hallway of the hospital like a moron. Because that’s what happened. I stood where anyone could see us, which wouldn’t be a big deal if I didn’t melt into him. I hug family members all the time in comfort, but it doesn’t ever look like that, though.
I spent an hour in Mrs. Whitley’s room. When I left, she was resting, but her vitals improved and I felt comfortable with where she was at. The fluids seemed to give her a boost and I’m glad we caught it when we did. Westin had to rush into an emergency surgery, and was still operating last I checked.
Here I am, asking him to go with me to see my dad in a few days and I’m in reverse down memory lane with a man who doesn’t love me. The truth is, I don’t love him like that, but I can’t stop my heart from feeling this ache and letting my memories take hold of my mind.
I tell myself to put it behind me, and I believe I have, until I see them or hear something. Then I’m thrown back in time to where I felt safe, my mother was alive, and I had hope for a family and a marriage. Bryce made it so easy to trust him with my heart, and as soon as things got difficult, it was as though we meant nothing.
I just want it to stop hurting, but my mother always said you had to go through the pain to get over it. So maybe that’s what this is? I have to feel all the shit I shoved down for years, pretending it didn’t exist, so that I can really move forward.
“I knew you’d do good, but I also think you’re a liar.” Rich’s brows rise. “I’ve known you long enough to see when you’re putting on a brave face.”
Of all the days I have to be readable, why this one? “Can you pretend today that I’m telling the truth?”
“All right, but you and I both know what happens when you keep it bottled up. The pressure builds until it all explodes.”
Oh, it’s exploding and I’m going to be the one who gets hit from it. I won’t survive this blow.
“I know, but today I can’t,” I admit.
Rich gives me a small smile and touches my hand. “Maybe tomorrow then.”
Hopefully tomorrow my skin doesn’t tingle where Bryce touched me and I don’t smell his cologne on my scrubs. I’d really like to not replay the way he held onto me for dear life every ten seconds. If all of that could go away, I could think straight and realize how wrong I am and snap myself out of it.
“I don’t know what I’m doing anymore . . .” I say to Rich without meaning to say it aloud.
Rich stops wiping down the counter and looks at me. “Doing with what?”
I look into his wise eyes, hoping for some guidance because I’m drifting. “I loved someone a long time ago. I loved him in a way that was almost unnatural. It was fast, reckless, but it was like breathing for the first time after being held underwater. It was beautiful, painful, strong, and yet so weak because it fell apart like we were nothing.”
Rich nods. “I know that kind of love.”
“Is that what you shared with Ester?”
“Kind of. We were crazy kids who were on a warpath of destruction. It was this bar that grounded us.”
Ester was an amazing woman. She was always kind to us, made sure we were working hard, studying, and eating. I swear, it was her mission to feed us. I’m pretty sure that was all part of their game plan, keep people fed and they kept coming back.
“Do you miss her?”
He looks at the photo of her that sits behind the bar. “Every single day. Much like your father feels, I’m sure. Her death rocked my world, but we had a good life.”
“Yeah, he misses my mother. So much that he fired the cleaning crew, scared off the home health aide, and is leaving it up to Everton to handle the house. Which means the place is a mess.”
Rich chuckles and grabs the rag. “Sounds about right.”
“Men,” I roll my eyes with a smile.
“You know, when a man truly loves a woman, he’ll never move on. We all have that one person. Sometimes we marry them, spending an eternity trying to prove we’re good enough for her. Other times, we lose them and spend our lives wondering how we were so stupid to let that woman go. Sounds to me like you’re one of those ‘other times.’”
I dip my fry in the ketchup, swirling it around, thinking about what he said. “I’m in between. My sometimes and other times have collided. For the first time, I want things to work with Westin and me. He’s good for me and we’re good for each other.”
Since the night we went on our date, I find myself thinking of what a future would look like with him more.
His smile is full of pride. “I hoped you’d say that. I’ve known that man a long time, Serenity Adams, and he’s a good one. He’s got a lot of love in his heart.”
“But my heart is at war and I don’t know what to do.”
Rich touches my hand. “You know what to do, you just don’t want to do it. War is just a fancy word for conflict, there’s a right and a wrong and you’re battling with which side to choose. Is this love you had once right for you?”
“No.”
“Is Westin?” Rich asks.
“Yes,” I look up, pleading with my eyes to tell me what to do.
“Then you’re not at war. You just need to choose your side and do what’s right to avoid bloodshed.”
My eyes close as the truth of his words washes over me. I should’ve sent Allison and Bryce away the day they showed up. I knew it in my gut that this was a bad decision, but I didn’t want to screw up the trial, or at least that’s what I told myself. The truth is that I was afraid I’d never see Bryce again.