“Peyton, I’ll be okay,” she holds his hand, and he clutches hers.
“Ali, I love you,” Bryce tells her.
“I love you, too.”
Martina clears her throat. “I need to get her down there, sir.”
He smiles, pulls himself together, and releases her hands. “Okay,” his eyes don’t leave hers. “You’ll be okay.”
Allison touches his face. “Go do some work. I’ll be back soon.”
They kiss, and then she’s wheeled out. I start to make my way behind them, but Bryce moves, blocking my exit.
I see the turmoil in his eyes, the fear and pain, and then resolve.
“I know you’re angry with me,” he sniffs. “I’ve been a dick to you. I’ve asked you to do things I shouldn’t have, and I’m sorry. I need you to know that I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t love you the way I should have.”
My heart races, and I raise my hand. “Allison is my patient. If you’re worried that whatever we were will affect how I treat her, you don’t have to. I care about her, and I’m going to do everything in my power. This is a routine surgery, okay? You begged me to stay on as her doctor because I’m good at what I do. Now I need to go do it.”
He looks at me with a tinge of hope and his lips form a thin line. “Thank you, Serenity. I mean that.”
Despite everything, I do care about him. I can imagine this is every fear he can imagine coming to life. His ex-girlfriend, operating on his wife after a huge blow-up. However, I’m not his ex-girlfriend right now, I’m Allison’s doctor.
“Go get some coffee, I’ll be back in a bit to update you.”
“Thank you.”
“Don’t thank me, I’m doing my job.”
I head into the operating room, where Allison is prepped. My mind is moving at light speed, preparing for every possibility and creating an attack plan. Once I’m scrubbed up, I go in to talk to her one more time.
“You doing okay? Any questions?” I ask.
“Can I?” She stops. “Can I talk to you for just a minute? Alone?”
“Now?”
She nods.
“Okay.”
My stomach drops a little, but I can’t say no. I look around the room and jerk my head to the side. Everyone leaves, and her green eyes start to leak. She’s terrified, and I need to calm her down.
I pull my mask down. “I know you’re scared, but I promise I’m going to take care of you.”
“I need to tell you that I know who you are, Serenity,” Allison confesses. “I know that you were once engaged to Bryce.”
Oh, God. I can’t hide my surprise and I gasp. If she knows, why the hell is she here? Is it just to meet me? Why does it matter, though?
I quickly try to explain, “I don’t know what to say. I swear there’s nothing between us.”
“I found out about you four years ago by accident. I heard his family saying some things about letting go of you, and I got curious. There was this sadistic part of me that needed to see who you were, so I started digging. It wasn’t malicious, I just had to know if he ever truly loved me.”
“He does,” I tell her.
“I know that now. The first few days you two saw each other, I was worried, but when I got to know you, I saw that I was being silly. I realize that what you two shared is different, no less beautiful, but just different. You both let each other go to save the other.”
“Why are you telling me this now?” I ask.
She smiles softly. “Because I need you to promise me that if something happens,” she starts, but I cut her off.
“Don’t say the next words, Allison. Please don’t put that out in the universe.”
Her lips close, but her eyes tell me the rest. For just a moment, the doctor/patient relationship is gone. Allison is just a woman, and so am I. She’s pleading for me to care for something she loves. She needs this peace of mind in order to get through the surgery.
I don’t reply verbally, she doesn’t need to hear it.
“Thank you,” she says and turns her head to the side.
I call everyone back in, and go scrub up again, all the while thinking of the way she begged me with her eyes.
When I get back in the room, everyone is ready and I get in position. “Okay, Allison, we’re going to put you to sleep now,” I say.
“Okay,” she replies with a tear falling down her cheek.
The anesthesia gets turned on, but her eyes are locked on mine. “Until my last breath,” she says and then drifts off to sleep.
I take a few seconds, trying to forget the words that make my chest tight. With my eyes closed, I inhale, thinking of the strategic moves I need to make surgically. If I can focus, then it won’t feel like the scalpel opened me up.
Two more deep breaths and I’m done being Serenity and back into my doctor persona. All my emotions are shut down, and I no longer care about anything but surgery.
“Ready, Dr. Adams?” Martina asks.
“Yes. Scalpel,” I say with my hand out.
It’s been an hour, and so far, the surgery has gone flawlessly. I found the bleed easily and was able to stop it, along with getting a good look at her tumor. Scans are one thing, but when you’re actually in there, it can be a whole other world. Things are never as they seem, but thankfully, it’s nothing that will hinder her progress. The music is playing in the operating room, and I’m in the zone.
Everything looks good. “Okay, let’s close her up,” I instruct my staff.
I move one of her organs, to ensure the bleed is in fact stopped, which it has. We begin to close her, when suddenly the alarms fill the room.
“Pressure is dropping. She’s crashing.”
My body’s natural fight or flight instinct kicks in, but I can’t allow it. Her heart rate is plummeting. “Push some epi,” I instruct. “Start compressions.”
Fear tries to take over. My muscles are tense as Allison’s line continues to stay flat. I need to fix this. I need to stay calm, but my heart is racing, knowing that time isn’t on my side.
I move everything back, and the nurse starts CPR so I can close her up. I work quickly, knowing that every second counts. Once I’m done, the people in the room can almost read my mind. They gather the equipment we need to get her heart pumping again. I’m losing her.
I grab the crash cart. “Charge to three-sixty. Clear!” I yell and everyone steps back.
The shock jolts through her, and I watch the screen.
Please come back, please come back. Come on, Allison. Wake up.
Nothing. Her heart is still not responding.
You’re not going anywhere. Not on my watch. I won’t tell your husband you died.
“Charge again,” I command.
Pure determination is all I’m running on. Allison will not die today. I told Bryce it was routine and I can’t face him. She was healthy, this is just a tougher case. I’ve handled tough before, goddammit.
The machine alerts me that it’s ready. “Clear!” I yell and the room stills. The paddles touch her chest, electricity flowing to her heart and her chest lifts.
Again, my eyes move to the monitor. “Come on, Allison,” I mumble.
“Dr. Adams,” Martina says. “It’s been three minutes.”