When I’m finished, we both sit here in silence, letting it fall around us as soundless tears fall from my eyes. Bryce’s hand touches mine, and I rest my head on his shoulder. I’m grieving the loss of Allison Brown, not just my patient, but a beautiful woman who, even though the circumstances brought us together in the most bizarre way, I am sad to have lost. She was graceful, kind, and in the short time I knew her, learned more about me than many patients do in years.
I lift my head and give him something I hadn’t planned on, but think he should know. “She knew,” I tell him.
“Knew what?”
I pull my hand back. “About us. About who I am and what we were.”
He jerks upright. “No, she didn’t.”
“Yeah, she did, Bryce. She knew from the day she walked into that hospital.”
“She never said a word.”
“That doesn’t mean it isn’t true. Right before we put her under, she told me. She said she was curious about me, found the trial, and came. She told me about her love for you as opposed to what we shared and,” I start to cry again. “She said, ‘until my last breath.’”
He moves toward me, gripping my arms and shaking me. “Don’t lie to me.”
The tears fall and I push away. “I’m not lying. She said that if something happened to her . . .” I don’t know how to finish it. I have no idea what she really wanted me to do.
Did she want me to look out for him? Love him? Marry him? None of these questions were supposed to need answers.
“To do what?” he asks as he gets to his feet.
“I don’t know, I really don’t.”
Bryce’s chest puffs in and out as he struggles for breath. “I’m so lost, Chick.”
“I can’t imagine,” I say as I stand before him.
“I thought losing you was the worst pain I’d ever been in.” He laughs once. “I had no idea.”
I’m the one who has inflicted this on him—twice. “I never wanted to hurt you.”
He looks down at me with tears in his blue eyes. “I know that.”
“Do you?”
He nods.
“I’m so sorry,” I tell him.
Bryce starts to break down and I pull him into my arms. He’s someone I once cared very deeply about and it hurts me to see him like this. I think about how I felt when my mother passed, and I had family to lean on, but he has no one here but me.
He pulls back, his eyes glistening, and then he leans in, pressing his lips to mine. He grips my face, holding me to him, kissing me hard, and I completely freeze.
What is he doing? I know he’s grieving, but he can’t kiss me.
I push against his chest, my fingers rest against my lips, and I take a step back.
We both look at each other.
“Fuck!” He grips his hair, pulling, and begins to lose it. “I just . . . I wasn’t thinking. It wasn’t like . . . I just . . .”
He doesn’t know what to think or feel. He doesn’t have to explain it, I understand. He’s desperate for something to make it hurt less, but that doesn’t exist. I tried for years to find something to replace him, thinking if I could just find a substitute, the pain would end. Once I realized there was no such thing, I decided to never feel again. Both choices were dumb, but when your heart and soul are being torn apart, you don’t give a shit.
“You’re in pain, Bryce. You’re hurting and lost,” I tell him. I take a step closer, but he retreats. “You should go home, get some rest, and grieve.”
He looks at me, another tear falls. “I will never be the same again,” he says.
I shake my head. “No, you won’t, and neither will I.”
Chapter 27
I walk back into the bathroom and turn on the shower. Maybe I can scrub myself clean and not feel like this. I step into the scalding water and wait for it to wash away my pain. I watch the water swirl down the drain, thinking that’s exactly what my life is doing, funneling downward.
All I wanted was to make things better, but I ended up fucking everything up.
I sit on the ground, curled up in a ball, and let the water wash over me, drowning out my tears. After the water starts to turn cold, I climb out, and wrap my robe around me.
How did I get here?
At what point did my life go so far off the rails that this is who I am now? For so long I’ve blamed it on losing my mother, but now I wonder.
The girl in the mirror doesn’t even look like me. My eyes are red, puffy, and dull. I was once vibrant, happy, and ready to tackle the world.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll feel human again, because right now, I’m dead inside.
I step into my room, and Westin sits on the bed.
Relief floods me that he’s here. He always comforts me and gives me hope, and if there’s anyone that can reach me, it’s him. “Wes,” I breathe. I head toward him, but he gets to his feet and shifts away from me. “What’s wrong?”
“Do you think I’m a fool?” he asks softly.
“What?”
“Maybe you think I’m willing to look the other way,” he mutters. “Maybe you just hope that I’m so in love with you I don’t know what you’re doing.”
Oh, God. He’s figured out that I know Bryce. I don’t know how this is going to go, but maybe if I can explain it, he’ll understand. We’re both doctors who want to help others. Plus, we’re in a great place so maybe we can weather this storm.
“I’m not doing anything,” I say.
“No? Let’s stop pretending now. I didn’t want to know, but now, there’s no denying it.”
“It’s not what you think,” I say quickly. “We just—”
He holds up a file in his hand and slaps it on the bed, causing me to jump. “Why were you in the shower then, huh? Were you cleaning yourself after you fucked him, thinking I wouldn’t know?”
I jerk back, confused. He thinks I just had sex with someone? “What? I took a shower to try to feel anything other than numb. I wasn’t with anyone.”
“I saw him!” he yells. “I saw him leaving fifteen minutes ago! Don’t play stupid. I watched another man walk out of your front door. The same man who we just told that his wife died. The same man that was at the bar. What the hell do you take me for?”
“I’m not playing at anything. It’s nothing sexual at all. He was here because he was lost. He didn’t know who else to talk to, Westin, please!” I try to explain. “Nothing happened!”
“A patient’s husband happened to know where you live?” He shakes his head.
“We knew each other years ago, but listen to me,” I grab his hand. “Nothing happened.”
I’m not going to tell him about the kiss because it’s irrelevant. That wasn’t Bryce kissing me because he loves me, it was him searching for comfort. It wasn’t sexual, and at this point, it’s only going to make matters worse.
Westin’s eyes narrow and he pulls his hand back. “I thought we were on the same page. I thought we were building a life together. I fucking love you and you do this!”
“We are! We are building a life. It’s you I want. It’s you I choose, Westin! It’s you I love!”