The second the words escaped, I wanted to claw them back.
There was a collective gasp and stillness that only came when a line had been crossed.
I stepped forward. “August—”
He pushed off the wall and stalked over to me. “If you want to bring this shit to all of us and lash out because you’re scared, that’s on you. But don’t be surprised when you keep doing this and end up alone—really alone. I’m sure everyone else can handle whatever you need for New Year’s Eve, but I’m out of here.” He snatched his coat off the back of the chair closest to the door and barged past me.
The door slammed, shaking the whole wall and large overhead lights.
Everyone else stared at me like I was a stranger who’d broken in. I wanted to curl up and hide my shame, not only at what I’d done here but what I’d said and done with Sabrina.
“She could’ve died on the way to dinner that night.” I stared at my clenched fists jammed against the tops of my legs and tried to shove down the overwhelming panic filling my lungs with terror.
“How? She looked fine—I mean, other than the sobbing and splotchy face.” Zara’s voice broke through the rising tide.
Wincing, I thought of the tears burning in her eyes and how she’d kept her head up high, not wanting me to see her crack. Just like I hadn’t wanted to open myself to her—not fully.
“We were walking to Parc, and a car skidded out of control. I saw it careening toward us and grabbed her. I put myself between her and the car and waited for the hit. But it didn’t come. Luckily the streetlight pole saved us both. The whole time I just kept thinking she could’ve been gone in less than a second.” I blinked back the liquid welling in my eyes.
“My life flashed before my eyes—our life flashed before my eyes—and all I could think was she’d be snatched away.”
“So instead of talking that over with her and being calm and reasonable about it, you jumped straight to ‘you’re a cheater’ and kicked her out?” Jameson sounded honestly confused about why calm and reasonable hadn’t entered the equation when it came to her.
My head shot up. “I didn’t kick her out. And the fight was later. We went to the restaurant. She was insistent we go even though she’d almost died, and when we showed up, Ryder was there. It was a setup to get us together before Christmas after I said I’d handle it my own way.”
“Which means you’d never have contacted him again. Okay, I think we need to know the deal with Ryder. Sure, it’s probably annoying to have a teenage tagalong, but why do you hate that kid so much?”
“I don’t hate him.” Suddenly standing felt like too much. I leaned against the wall and slid down it until my ass hit the floor.
Leo, Zara, Everest, and Jameson exchanged looks before joining me on the floor like this was story time.
“What happened?” Zara almost whispered, wedged under Leo’s arm.
It hurt to look at them.
I wrapped my arms around my legs and locked my hand around my wrist. My legs bounced like they were trying to break the circle of my arms and shook my upper body. “I only saw my dad twice after he left.
“I was thirteen. My mom was sick. The treatments were wreaking havoc on her body. GiGi was a world away, flying in whenever she could. We had a nurse most of the time, but a lot fell on my shoulders. My mom didn’t want to burden GiGi with how bad things were because she knew how hard it was for her to be away. And my mom never asked, but I couldn’t not help. She was my mom. I’d have done anything for her.”
I stared at the blank space on the wall between Leo’s and Everest’s heads.
“Then one Saturday out of the blue, my dad pulls up into the driveway. My mom had been trying to get me to go to my friend’s house all afternoon, but I didn’t want to go. When I saw his car, I jumped up and was gone before she could call me back.
“He kept promising he was coming back, but it had been a couple months at this point. But it didn’t matter. I flung the front door open and raced out, jumping on him like he was a hero returning from war. I was so excited. I was so happy.” The lump grew in my throat and throbbed like it had a heartbeat of its own. “I was so relieved. He was back and he’d take care of things. I could go back to video games and just fucking around. I wouldn’t have to deal with all the pressure anymore.” The guilt twisted in my stomach like a knife. “I was all wide smiles and excitement that I wouldn’t have to take care of my mom by myself anymore.” The serrated edge dug even deeper.
“I turned around, holding onto him and feeling like things would be okay. And my mom was in the doorway. She had on her big sweater that looked like it was swallowing her up whole and had a look I didn’t understand at the time. She didn’t look happy to see him at all.”
“Thanks for being so understanding about all this.” He held a manila envelope out to her.
She looked to it and back to him and then to me before she stepped back inside. Her eyes had so much pain in them, and I didn’t get it then.
“I hovered in the hallway. The only sound in the other room was a pen scribble and the flicking of paper. He walked out of the living room, ruffled my hair in the hallway, said he’d see me later, and left. They were divorce papers. He’d come by to get her to sign divorce papers, and I’d been so happy to see him. I betrayed my mom, one-hundred percent relieved and excited that he was back. But it was finally the end. The real end.
“And my mom’s eyes said it all in the doorway when she first saw us. She tried to comfort me and console me, but…” I squeezed the back of my neck, embarrassed and burning with rage that I’d wanted him back in my life at all. “It was a bad few days for the both of us. After that, I only saw him at the funeral, where I told him exactly how little I cared about him and never wanted to see him again. He took it to heart, and I didn’t. But I’ll never forget the disappointment in her eyes.”
Zara scooted forward. “Hunter—and maybe I’m totally out of line, but I’ve met your grandma and I can only imagine how awesome your mom was—but I don’t think it was disappointment in you that you were seeing. I think she was disappointed about how your dad was letting you down. She was sad for you. She was hurting for you because she knew what was coming. And it seems like she was trying to protect you.” Her hand wrapped around my bouncing knee.
Jameson scooted beside me, his shoulder right against mine. “Getting close to Ryder isn’t betraying her, Hunter. I never met her either, but I don’t think she’d want you to carry this burden. She knows you loved her, and spending time with Ryder isn’t you accepting what your dad did or forgiving it. All it’s doing is being kind to him and maybe letting him into this ragtag family situation we’ve got going on in here.” He pointed between the five of us. “And August.”
“I need to apologize to him.”
“You do, but don’t worry. He knows you and he’ll forgive you because he’ll know you mean it and because he’s family.”
Tears burned in my eyes.
Dropping my head to my knees, I dragged sharp breaths into my lungs. “I need to fix this.”
Jameson’s arm wrapped around my shoulder. “You will. Just take it one piece at a time.”