KEITH HADN’T HAD SEX for the first time until he was twenty years old.
While he was sure that wasn’t particularly unusual, back then he’d felt self-conscious about it since it seemed like all the guys around him had gotten started a lot earlier. Before his first time, he’d researched online about how to please women in bed so he wouldn’t do a bad job of it.
He’d always gone above and beyond with foreplay. He’d made sure his partners always came before he did so they wouldn’t think he was inept or lacking. It was his insecurity that taught him to be good in bed, and that lesson had stuck with him long after he’d gained experience and confidence.
At twenty, he’d been incredibly nervous about sex. After a year, that anxiety had disappeared, and it hadn’t come back until right now.
Right when he was getting close to having sex with Serena.
She hadn’t said she was ready yet, but it felt like they were getting to that point. Keith wanted it more than he could remember wanting anything.
And he was also terrified.
When they got home from the pizza place, Eva wanted to watch another princess movie before bed, and Keith was relieved at the space of peace it gave him to pull himself together.
It might not happen tonight.
He shouldn’t assume anything.
But something had changed between him and Serena last night. He could feel it in the air between them. See it in the softness of her eyes.
Tonight might be the night. There was no way he’d say no to what he’d wanted for so long. But a shuddering anxiety had taken hold of him, and he was having trouble putting it back in its place.
What if he couldn’t please her? What if she felt awkward about the whole thing? What if one night in bed with him pushed her to decide they should never be anything but friends?
It felt like there was way too much riding on this, and he wasn’t convinced of his ability to meet the challenge. Their make-out session on the couch last weekend had been different. It hadn’t been planned. He hadn’t had time to prepare. So physical desire had taken over the nerves he might have otherwise experienced.
But this...
This might be everything.
“Why aren’t you watching, Uncle Keith?” Eva’s little voice had a twinge of whine to it as she peered up at him from her place between the two of them on the couch.
“I am watching.”
“You’re not laughing. Don’t you think this one is funny?”
He gave himself a mental shake to switch his focus. “It is funny. I was laughing inside.”
“Oh.” Eva frowned. “Usually you laugh outside too.”
She returned to the movie, and Keith forced himself to do the same. He could feel Serena slant a few probing glances his way, as if she was discreetly checking to see if something was wrong with him. She knew him too well. She would likely be able to see his distraction even better than her daughter.
It took a force of will to accomplish, but he managed to pay attention to the rest of the movie, laughing in all the right spots. Eva was happy at the end of it, and she didn’t complain when Serena told her to run get ready for bed.
When Eva had jumped off the couch and scurried down the hall, Serena gave Keith a significant look. “What’s up?”
“Nothing. Everything is good.”
“Is it? Because Eva wasn’t the only one to notice that you seem kind of jittery. Is something bothering you?”
He shook his head. “Nope. Not a thing.”
“I told you this morning this has to be reciprocal. If you expect me to tell you what’s bothering me, you need to tell me.”
He took a deep breath, feeling the pressure rise up again and also a kind of mental paralysis about how to approach it with sounding like an asshole. “It’s kind of hard to explain—without sounding like I’m presuming a lot.”
As vague as his words were, it only took her a minute to interpret them. He saw the process on her face. The puzzlement, the deciphering, the understanding. Then she reached over to put a hand on his thigh. “I’m kind of anxious too, but I think I’m ready now. If you are too. If you’re not, I’m happy to wait as long as—”
“We don’t have to wait,” he burst out. “I’m more than ready. I’m just kind of...” He finally landed on her word from earlier. “...jittery. I feel kind of stupid admitting it.”
“Well, now you know how I feel, admitting all my stupid feelings to you.” She was flushed and smiling and tender as she leaned over to kiss the side of his jawline. “I’m glad you did.”
Paradoxically, telling her how he was feeling lessened some of his nerves. He smiled back and was pulling her toward him to return her kiss when a voice called from down the hall. “I’m in bed! I’m ready for my chapter!”
Laughing, they both got up and went to read with Eva.
FORTY-THREE MINUTES later, Keith waited in the hall as Serena peeked into Eva’s room to make sure the girl hadn’t turned her light back on.
“She’s asleep,” Serena whispered, softly shutting the bedroom door and turning toward him.
Keith’s heart gave an almost painful lurch. “Good.”
“Good.” Serena took a step closer and pulled him toward her with two fistfuls of his shirt. “Keith Howell,” she said very softly. “Do you want to come to bed with me?”
“Yes. I do.”
“We’ll have to be kind of quiet so we don’t wake her up.”
“I can be quiet.” He kissed her gently, doing his best to control the storm of emotions that were whirling in his head and chest. “And I can try to diminish my technique enough so you don’t scream your head off in ecstasy.”
Soft laughter spilled out of her, exactly as he’d known it would. Then she took his hand and led him down the hall and into her bedroom.
He was hot and cold and thrilled and scared and frozen still and ready to jump out of his skin all at once. As a result, he stood in the middle of the floor without a clue about what to do as she closed the door.
They stared at each other for a minute, standing about three feet apart. Then her face twisted briefly. “I’m nervous.”
He gave a huff of dry amusement. “Me too.”
“I’ve never had sex with anyone but Scott.”
“I know. And I’ve never had a serious relationship with anyone. But I don’t think previous experience matters that much right now. This is you and me. It might as well be the first time.”
Her face contorted again, like what he’d said touched her deeply. But then she took a deep breath and said, “It’s going to be good. Because it’s you and me. That will make it good. And nothing else really matters about how it goes. Right?”
The sweet tremble on the final word blew aside all his worries in an instant. “Right,” he said thickly, moving toward her and pulling her into his arms.
He hugged her for a minute. Tight. Urgent. Then he loosened his arms so he could take her head between his hands and kiss her hard.
The kiss seemed to break through the last of her nerves too. She made a throaty sound of pleasure and twined her arms around his neck, softening against him and opening to the advance of his tongue.