He’d been sitting here, listening as Pastor Bob reflected on Kylie’s life, the fact that she and Travis and Gage had celebrated seven years of marriage last December. He relayed a few details of the day he had performed the unofficial ceremony to unite the three of them.
What Pastor Bob didn’t mention was that Kylie and Travis had been married … well, it would’ve officially been nineteen years in June. The first eleven of those years, no one had known because Travis and Kylie had split up without ever sharing the news. It hadn’t been until Kylie sought Travis out to sign divorce papers that they’d rekindled what they’d once had, and Kylie had found herself falling in love with not only Travis but also with Gage. Curtis remembered those days, the way Travis and Gage had been battling it out, until they finally gave in to the love that had developed between the three of them.
And since then, they’d had five beautiful children, whom they cherished and loved. The very children who clung to their fathers now, sobbing because their mother had been taken from them far too soon.
Also here to celebrate her life and grieve her loss was every single member of Curtis and Lorrie’s family. Aunts, uncles, cousins. They’d all known Kylie, most having spent a significant amount of time with her over the years, at family gatherings, birthdays, celebrations. But family weren’t the only ones gracing the pews of the church on this cold, rainy Thursday. The place was at standing room only because of the love and support that Kylie had garnered over the years. People, most of whom Curtis had been introduced to, had come from far and wide to grieve the loss as well as show their support for Kylie’s family.
He was simply glad they were here, grateful that there were those who could help hold up the ones who were suffering the most from this incomprehensible loss. Curtis knew this was only the beginning. They had a long road of healing ahead of them and it wasn’t going to be easy, but together, they would learn to cope.
And each day … starting far in the future … it would get a little easier to breathe, to reflect. And the memories that surfaced would be a bit more vibrant without the suffocating haze of such pain.
Chapter Eight
Travis was numb.
If it wasn’t for that fact, he would probably be cold considering he’d been standing at Kylie’s gravesite for the past few hours. He had endured the final words, the sobs, the well wishes, and the departure of those who’d gathered. Yet he couldn’t bring himself to leave. He intended to be here until her casket was lowered into the earth and covered with dirt, unwilling to leave her side until he absolutely had to.
He couldn’t count the number of people who had tried to console him, urging him to go home, get some rest. And he knew exactly how many he’d spoken to. None. He had no words because there was nothing he could say that would make this okay in any way, nor easier to bear, so he’d kept his mouth closed and pretended to listen.
“Travis, they need to lower the casket now.”
He managed to drag his gaze over to see his father looking at him with such pain in his eyes. Beyond him, Pastor Bob stood by, his expression solemn. Travis could understand it. He knew everyone was feeling the loss, and while he had nothing to say, he wasn’t diminishing their grief in any way. He was simply trying to deal with his own.
“I need a few minutes,” Travis managed.
“Of course. We’ll wait until you’re finished.”
Travis didn’t care if they waited or if they left. It didn’t matter to him. Nothing mattered anymore.
Once he was alone again, Travis stepped forward, placed his hand on the glossy mahogany that entombed his beautiful wife. The casket had been hand selected by Jessie because she claimed Kylie would’ve loved it. She had mentioned how the royal-blue silk on the inside was Kylie’s favorite color. Travis had kept his opinions to himself because he didn’t understand the rationale. What Kylie would’ve loved was to be alive and well and watching her babies grow up, not lying cold and dead on a bed of royal-blue silk.
It was then the tears returned and Travis didn’t attempt to stop them.
“It should’ve been me, baby,” he whispered. “It shouldn’t be you leavin’ us so soon. It shouldn’t be you the kids have to live without. It should be me.”
He took a deep breath, tucked his hands in his pockets.
“I’m so fuckin’ sorry, Kylie. I should’ve stopped her. Instead, I went off the rails, became obsessed, and lost my focus. I gave her the perfect opportunity to strike at me again.” He sobbed. “This is my fault, baby. All my fault.”
Travis focused on breathing. His chest constricted so tight he thought he might drop to his knees from the pain of it, but he pushed through because the pain was the least he deserved.
“I will find her,” he promised. “I will. Might not be today, or tomorrow, but it will happen. And when I do, I will end her.”
As far as Travis was concerned, Juliet Prince didn’t deserve a day behind bars with three squares and a cot. The only place she deserved to be was in the cold, hard ground.
“Hopefully,” he continued aloud, “once that happens, Gage can forgive me, and the kids won’t grow to hate me as much as I hate myself.”
And that was his fear now. That Gage wouldn’t be able to look him in the eye and the kids wouldn’t want to see his face when they realized this was all his fault. And he couldn’t blame them.
He heard someone clear their throat, and he peered over his shoulder to see Gage standing there, hands in his pockets, eyes piercing right through Travis.
“Trav,” Gage said roughly, taking a step forward.
As much as Travis believed Gage deserved so much better than him, in that moment, Gage was the only person on the planet who could offer him even a modicum of relief.
Rather than warn him off or send him away, Travis turned to face Gage fully, and when his husband moved toward him, Travis took a single step, then another until they were standing there, wrapped tightly in one another’s arms as the sobs tore free. Travis cradled Gage’s head, while Gage did the same in return. It wasn’t a gentle embrace but rather a hard hug that gave them both something to hold on to for those brief seconds.
And when they separated, Travis scrubbed his face with the palms of his hands and took a deep breath.
“Don’t make me do this alone, Trav,” Gage whispered, his brown eyes glittering with so much pain.
“I would never,” he promised, reaching for him again, holding on.
He knew he’d been distant the past few days, and he wouldn’t make excuses for it. He’d left the hard parts to Gage and he shouldn’t have, but rational thought hadn’t been an option. Anyone who knew him knew his emotions ran hot, and when they did, he tended to do the wrong thing. Gage of all people knew that about him.
In fact, it was Gage’s acceptance of him that made him love the man all the more.
Several hours later, after Travis had stopped by his parents’ house for the reception, listened while people shared stories of how they knew Kylie, how she’d made their life a bit brighter, Travis was glad to be home.
Gage and the kids had come home at his request, and he’d spent the past hour helping Gage get them all settled in. Maddox and Haden had gone right to sleep, the events of the past few days wearing them down. They were safe and warm in the comfort of their own beds, and Travis hoped they would sleep through the night because of it.