She liked working there. Great. She’d picked up a customer. Fuck.
"That’s good news, isn’t it?" Christopher asked cautiously, breaking into my bad mood with a sledgehammer. "I mean, you were concerned about not seeing your daughter the last time we spoke."
My jaw tensed as I sat up, my elbows hitting my knees as I planted my cell on the coffee table. Head bowing, I stared at the carpet I’d vacuumed earlier, and muttered, "It didn’t happen in the best of circumstances, but yeah, I’m glad they’re here."
"Want to talk about it?"
"She was…" How did I describe it? I’d spoken about this in therapy but it was harder, somehow, with a man who knew a lot of intimate secrets about me. Plus, I couldn’t tell the full truth. That made it more difficult too. "A guy on the internet groomed her and kidnapped her."
"Holy hell!"
I wasn’t sure I’d ever heard Christopher swear.
"Yeah," I said gruffly. "Things were… bad."
"Sounds like it. She’s okay?"
"We got to her in time."
"I’m glad." His tone was heartfelt, genuine, but that was Christopher, I guessed. I didn’t come across altruistic people all that often, but he was like that. Selfless.
It was weird.
Good, nice, kind, but weird.
I thought that was why I struggled talking to him, even as, once I opened up, it was easy to spill my guts.
"Me too," I rumbled before I cleared my throat.
"Is that why you’re calling? You want to take a hit?"
"No." I shook my head even though he couldn’t see it. "Her mom and I are still broken up, and she went on a date for the first time tonight."
"Okay?"
I knew what he was thinking. My kid had been abducted, but I hadn’t wanted to get high, but my ex went on a date, and I did?
It was messed up.
"I had to be strong." It wasn’t a justification. It was a reason. "There was no wavering, no indecisiveness. I couldn’t be a pussy and think about crack or meth. I just had to be there for them both. I had to get us here, settle us in, then I had to start making amends."
"And why are you triggered now?"
"Because as much as I know that Keira would be better off with someone else, everything inside me rebels at the idea of another bastard touching her."
"Understandable." He paused. "Can I ask you a question, Asher?"
"Sure."
"You were unfaithful, yes?"
"Yes." The admission felt like it was torn from my soul.
"Do you see tonight’s date as a form of unfaithfulness?"
"No. We’re split up."
"So you’re just being possessive?"
"No."
"What is it then?"
"I want what’s best for her. I just wish that were me."
"Why did you cheat on her?"
Wasn’t that a loaded question? But somehow, it was easier admitting this to him than to Keira. She wouldn’t believe me. Christopher had no reason not to.
"First time, it was…" I sucked in a breath. "Pretty messed up."
"Why?"
"She’d left me."
"So, it wasn’t cheating?" he asked, confused.
"She was pregnant. It was… Man, I don’t even know what it was. But she left me, and like a pussy, I got high.
"I thought she’d come back to me, thought she wanted to make us work so when she came onto me, I didn’t think anything of it. I was just happy."
"It wasn’t her?"
"No."
"Who was it?"
"The woman who told her I cheated on her repeatedly throughout Keira’s pregnancy."
"She lied?" There was no surprise in Christopher’s voice. I guessed a guy like him had heard a million sob stories—most of them worse—in his time.
"She did."
"Why?"
"Because she’s loved me for a long time."
He sniffed. "That doesn’t sound like love."
"No, it doesn’t to me either."
"Your love sounds like love. You want what’s best for Keira, even though that hurts you to know it isn’t you, but it doesn’t change anything."
"I guess mine does sound like love." The realization sank into my bones.
"You don’t have a very high opinion of yourself, do you, Asher?" He laughed a little. "In fact, don’t answer that. I already know you don’t, and you’ll just give me some BS about it. So, you were raped—"
"That wasn’t rape," I scoffed. "My dick was hard."
"It was rape. It was non-consensual," was Christopher’s calm retort.
My jaw tensed. "It wasn’t rape. I wanted it to be Keira."
"But it wasn’t. You were tricked into having sex, and then the woman in question manipulated things further to break you and your wife up."
"She twisted the truth and used it against me."
"Whenever you cheated, was it because you got high?"
"Yes." Jaw clenching, I rubbed at my eyes. I was such a fuck up.
There was silence, for a few beats, then he queried softly, "And each time, did you think it was Keira you were sleeping with?"
Shame hit me. "Yes."
"Interesting."
Shame morphed into bitter anger. "Glad to hear I’m so fucking fascinating."
He clucked his tongue. "I’m just trying to understand, Asher. No harm in that, is there?"
My shoulders hunched as I gruffly admitted, "No. No harm done." Not anymore. The damage had already been done. Years earlier. Wreaking devastation in its wake, unforgivable in its entirety.
The roar of half-pipes put me on red alert so I surged to my feet and headed into the kitchen. Peering out of the window, I got even more pissed when I saw it wasn’t Jump—it was Digger arriving home.
From this angle, I could see the front door open, MaryCat standing there with Maddox in her arms. She looked a little wan, pale, but her smile was real and raw as Digger climbed off the back of his bike and headed toward her.
As he wrapped her up in his arms, I wished like fuck I could be back there again. Right to the beginning. To fucking day one.
"Asher? Are you still there?"
Yeah. I’m just busy creeping on my brother as he makes out with his wife who doesn’t want to poison him with a tomahawk steak.
"I’m still here."
Christopher sighed. "What are you doing?"
"I thought Keira was on her way home."
"It’s barely seven," Christopher drawled. "It wouldn’t have been a good date, would it?"
Exactly. "I want her to have a good time."
"Just with you?"
"No. I don’t think we can have that anymore." My brow puckered. "Okay, that’s bullshit. I think we can, if she can let me in."
"Everyone is worthy of forgiveness, Asher. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Everyone has a vice that helps us cope with life—"
"Some just don’t destroy their fucking family with it."