I reached out and touched his arm, but he shrugged me off. ‘Please don’t touch me. I can’t do this. I can’t be friends with you.’
‘I’m not with Daniel, though. I ended it.’
‘But it’s not over. You’re carrying his baby. I wish you well, Elise, I really do, but I can’t be there to watch you bring up my brother’s baby.’
‘I’m sorry you had to find out like this.’
‘So am I.’ He turned to walk away, then spun back to face me again. ‘Does he know?’
I shook my head. ‘Please don’t tell him.’
‘I won’t. You do know he won’t want anything to do with it, don’t you?’
I nodded. ‘I’m counting on it.’
My heart thumped as he held my gaze. Then he turned and disappeared up a side street.
‘I’m sorry,’ I whispered as I leaned against a lamppost, fighting another wave of nausea. It wasn’t my fault he’d overheard Clare and me, but it didn’t stop me feeling wretched with guilt.
A warm hand slipped into mine. ‘I wanted to make sure you were okay,’ Clare said. ‘Are you?’
A tear slipped down my cheek. ‘I’m not actually sure.’
Then, for the first time ever, Clare hugged me and in that one moment I felt all the bad feeling between us pale into insignificance. The woman holding me didn’t seem like the bitchy man-eater I’d always put her down as; she seemed like a sensitive and warm person who I actually liked. At that moment, she was also a person who I really, really needed. Who knew?
32
October half-term couldn’t have arrived soon enough for me two weeks later. I was exhausted. My first trimester had taken it out of me, not helped by the start of a new academic year and getting ready to complete on the house sale.
I’d realised it was unfair to expect Gary to pack up the whole house, so I’d agreed to spend most evenings during the last fortnight sorting, dividing up, selling or giving away our belongings. What an emotionally draining experience that had been, properly saying goodbye to our life together. It had also been good for my relationship with Gary. We’d talked more than we’d talked for years, and he’d managed to fully convince me that, even though he knew he was gay, he’d been happy as my husband for the first ten years thanks to the friendship we’d shared. It was comforting to know that our marriage hadn’t been a complete and utter failure.
I’d told Graham about my pregnancy. As my boss, he needed to know for health and safety reasons. The hopeful look in his eyes that Gary and I had overcome our differences was painful, and telling him that Gary wasn’t the father was embarrassing, but if he judged me, he didn’t let on.
I still wasn’t ready to tell anyone else, though. I’d come close to confiding in Gary, but I bottled it. Clare, as the only other knowledgeable party other than my midwife and Jem (and Michael, of course), had been true to her word and kept the secret. She’d even taken to texting me to ask how I was and when I was having my scan. I exchanged the occasional text with Curtis, but I didn’t mention the baby.
My first scan was timed nicely for half-term. It was scheduled for shortly after two o’clock on the Tuesday afternoon. I awoke with butterflies in my stomach. The nerves didn’t settle all day and I seemed to be permanently traipsing to the bathroom, even before I had to take on the obligatory extra fluid an hour before my scan.
Kay had gone to York for a spot of early Christmas shopping with her friend Linda, which was a relief as she’d have soon noticed that something was afoot. I was a little surprised she hadn’t noticed already because usually nothing got past her. She did seem distracted with her photography, though. And Philip. She was adamant that it was just friendship, but I’d watched them playfully flirting with each other at Sarah’s birthday meal and had seen them together several times since. She could deny it all she wanted, but love was definitely in the air.
As I arrived at the hospital, a thought struck me. What if they told me that something was wrong with baby bean? My legs instantly turned to jelly and I had to slow down to steady myself. I felt sick at the thought and suddenly regretted my decision not to tell Sarah, Gary, Jess, or Dad what I was going through in case I needed them to pick up the pieces. I didn’t want to go through this alone. If there was a problem, I wasn’t sure that I was strong enough to cope on my own. Stupid, stupid decision. Stupid secret. Stupid lies.
Arriving outside the ultrasound department, I pushed the door open, then burst into tears when I saw who was waiting for me.
‘I know someone who went through this alone.’ Clare hugged me. ‘It was hard for her and she could have used some moral support. I thought you might feel the same and, assuming I’m still the only one other than Michael who knows about the baby, I’m the only one who can give you that.’ She let me go and indicated that I should sit down.
‘I’m glad you’re here,’ I said when she sat next to me. ‘I’m having a panic. What if something’s wrong with the baby?’
‘Then something’s wrong with the baby and we’ll cross that bridge. You’ll know either way within about ten minutes and there’ll be nothing you can do about it. What will be will be.’
Normally I hated Clare’s tell-it-like-it-is approach, but her words were surprisingly comforting and just what I needed to make me wipe my eyes, blow my nose, and pull myself together.
‘Elise Morgan?’
It took me a moment to register that the young brunette holding a file and looking round the waiting room was calling for me. I hadn’t officially reverted to my maiden name, but I planned to. I’d decided it would save complications later if I started my pregnancy as Morgan. ‘Sorry, that’s me.’
She smiled. ‘We’re in room two. My name’s Dawn and I’ll be your sonographer today.’
Clare followed me and sat by the bed as Dawn explained the process. When I lay down, she took hold of my hand.
‘Is it your first baby?’ Dawn asked, looking from me to Clare then back to me.
Clare giggled. ‘We’re not together, you know.’
Dawn blushed. ‘Oh, sorry. You just looked very close.’
Clare and I looked at each other and grinned. ‘Would you believe it if I said we hated each other until recently?’ I asked.
‘They say love and hate are very close emotions,’ Dawn said, then blushed again. ‘Not that I’m suggesting you love each other. I think I’m going to stop talking now and focus on finding this baby of yours. This might feel a little cold.’
The sensation of the cold gel on my stomach made me squirm, but all feelings of discomfort soon went as the sound of a steady heartbeat filled the room and a grainy shape appeared on the screen.
‘Oh, this is good,’ Dawn said. ‘Baby’s laid in a really good position today.’ She pointed to various different parts of the image, telling me that we were looking at baby bean’s head or spine or legs. I wasn’t really paying attention to what she said. All I could think was that I was looking at a baby. My baby. The one thing I’d desperately wanted for so many years, but which my husband had refused to give me. Now I had the baby but no husband and I didn’t actually care. All I cared about was that tiny little blurred being with the rapid heartbeat. My family.