“What are you telling me?”
“I’m saying I need to go home. I don’t want to feel this hurt anymore.”
Sig blew out a long breath. “Felicity, if you want to leave, you know I’m not going to stop you, right? He’ll just have to understand. And he will. Because he loves you. If there’s one thing I know, it’s that. He knows you’re in pain. He just can’t be the one to tell you to go.”
I wiped my eyes for what felt like the hundredth time today. “Will you drive me to the airport?”
“You’re trying to get me killed, aren’t you?”
Looking down at the table, I shook my head. “You’re right. That was too much to ask.”
“Ginger, I’m kidding. Of course, I’ll take you.”
Relieved to have his support, I nodded. “I haven’t decided yet. I need to think on this tonight.”
The thought of leaving made me sick to my stomach, but not nearly as much as the thought of staying. It wasn’t like Leo was going to leave his wife for me. This wasn’t going to end well, and there was no reason to prolong it.
Later that evening, Sig ran to the grocery store before it closed, and Lavinia was still out, so I was alone for the first time today. After much ruminating, I was pretty sure I’d made my decision to book a flight for the morning. I’d just opened my laptop to reserve my ticket when the doorbell rang.
I knew Lavinia had given Sig a key, so the only person it could have been was Leo. Butterflies swarmed in my stomach as I went to the door. Except when I opened it, it wasn’t Leo.
It was Darcie.
* * *
Leo
Track 23: “American Girl” by Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
After leaving Felicity, I couldn’t in good conscience face Darcie yet. There were too many feelings bombarding me, and I knew the moment she looked at me she’d be able to see them all. I needed to calm down before going home. So I called my wife to let her know I’d dropped Felicity and Sigmund off, but that I was going to visit my grandmother on the way home. Nan was in an upscale rehabilitation center, and we’d been told she didn’t have very much time left. I visited her often, and every time was different in terms of her condition. Today I prayed she would have enough energy to talk to me, because I needed that more than ever.
My grandmother looked half-asleep when I entered her room.
“Hello, Nan.”
Opening her eyes, she held out her quivering hand. “Hi, my boy.” Her voice was frail.
“How are you feeling?”
“Well, I’ve certainly had better days, but this is not the worst one.”
“Good.” I smiled. “I need to speak to you, but I don’t want to deplete your energy.”
“Nothing makes me feel more alive than talking to you, my grandson. I might be weak, but my ears are still perfectly fine.”
I took a seat at her bedside. “Has my mother told you anything over the past couple of days?”
“No, I haven’t spoken to her.”
I was surprised, but perhaps my mother knew she wouldn’t have been able to address it without upsetting her. In Nan’s current state, that wouldn’t be wise. I was proud of Mum for containing herself in her mother’s best interest.
“Remember Felicity?”
My grandmother’s eyes widened. “Of course. The American girl. What about her?”
“She’s here.”
Nan squeezed my hand. “Oh my.”
I filled her in on the last couple of days. While Nan knew I’d gone back to the States after that first year to find Felicity, I’d never told her about the letter I wrote before marrying Darcie. So I started there and ended with Felicity showing up here.
My grandmother seemed deeply affected, to the point that I almost regretted telling her. She couldn’t afford to get too emotionally worked up.
“That’s absolutely devastating, Leo. For all involved.”
“I know. I obviously never saw this happening.”
Nan struggled to breathe. “My love, you know I don’t have much time left. So I’m particularly careful with anything I tell you, because I never know if it will be my final word.” She tried to straighten her body. “I need you to listen to me very carefully.” She stared into my eyes. “I was wrong.”
“What do you mean?”
She swallowed. “When you asked me years back if I thought it best that you abandon all ideas of being with a girl you clearly loved, I encouraged you to disregard your feelings for the greater good of your reputation. I worried that despite how strongly you felt, the scrutiny you’d receive would be far worse than living without her. What I didn’t know then that I’ve realized the closer I get to death...is that nothing matters more in this life than love.”
I remained silent, stunned as she continued.
“You’ve always been so afraid of displeasing your father. But I can assure you, wherever he is right now, he sees things from a different perspective. Your dad is no longer part of this material world, no longer concerned with money or power. He understands now that the universal purpose of our entire existence is love.” Her tone grew urgent. “My advice to you today is not the same as it was then. If I could go back, I would tell you to follow your heart.” She paused. “That said, you married a wonderful woman. She doesn’t deserve this. It’s not fair either way—to leave her high and dry or to stay when she doesn’t have your whole heart.”
She spoke again before I could respond.
“Leo, you need to understand that your decisions don’t change what lies in your heart. You can choose to remain married to Darcie in order to protect her, but that won’t change the fact that you clearly love Felicity.”
“How do you know I still love her?” I asked. “I haven’t told you that.”
“You don’t need to, my love. You have the same look of passion and fear in your eyes that you did when you told me you were going back to the US to find her. The same look of sadness as when you returned and told me she’d moved on with someone else. This torment is love in disguise. The only difference now is that you’re married and some time has passed.”
“All the same complications exist today...” I said. “All the reasons we decided not to be together in the first place.”
“And yet here you are, feeling the same way. What does that tell you? Is this something you can control or a lie you’ve been telling yourself?” She let out a shaky breath. “Look, my dear, I can’t tell you what to do. I can only tell you what I’ve learned as I make the transition to the next phase in my journey. I’ve said all I can say about it. I’m just sorry I didn’t realize back then that my advice to you was wrong.”
It killed me to think she had any regrets at this point. “I love you, Nan. I can’t tell you how much it’s meant to have you as my sounding board.”
She smiled. “I lied... I do have one more thing to say.”
“Okay, tell me.”
“I’m proud of you no matter what you decide—whether that’s to follow your heart or to keep your vow to your beautiful wife. There’s no wrong answer. It’s about what you can live with. But you’re a good man, Leo. Far more conscientious than your father ever was. And even though you’ve never said so, I know you live with guilt because of how you came into this world—the death of your twin brother. But rest assured, he, too, is looking down on you, as proud as I am.”