He ripped himself back.
Torment and malice written in his expression.
Then he turned, nothing but a storm that thundered through the house as he moved for the front door.
Despair ravaged through the middle of me.
Violent.
Fierce.
Overwhelming.
I ran after him.
It didn’t matter that it probably made me a fool.
That I was desperate.
Pleading.
We’d come too far, experienced too much, shared too much hope for me to let him just walk out.
Without an explanation.
Without a reason for the poison he was spilling on our lives.
I was a foot behind him when I rasped, “Then tell me you don’t love me. Tell me that was a lie.”
Leif whirled around.
I nearly hit my knees when his hands landed on my face in the same second his mouth crushed against mine.
He kissed me. Kissed me in a way that sheered through my heart. Cut all the way to my soul.
I could taste it. The guilt on his tongue and the surrender in his spirit.
He pried himself away, hands still holding me tight. “Doesn’t matter how much I love you, Mia. It won’t change who I am. And me pretending that it will? It’s only going to hurt you more in the end. And that’s my honest.”
Then Leif pulled his hands away as if he’d been burned by the shame, turned his back, and banged out the door.
“Leif . . . please, don’t leave me.”
He didn’t turn back.
Didn’t stop.
And that was the moment when Leif Godwin finally brought me to my knees.
Ruined.
Just like he’d promised.
“Hey.” The bed sank down at my side as Tamar’s worried voice filled my ears. Gentle fingers brushed through my hair where I was curled up in a ball.
My face buried in the pillow.
As if it might stand the chance of burying the heartbreak.
But I didn’t think there was enough dirt on Earth to fill up the hole Leif Godwin had left.
My falling star that had burned out far too soon.
I guessed I’d been the fool who’d tried to catch him.
“How are you doing?” Tamar asked softly.
I sniffled. No use in pretending I hadn’t been shattered in two. “Terrible. How are the kids?”
“Fine. They’re watching a movie with Brendon and Adia, so I thought I would come and check on you. Did you sleep at all last night?”
I rolled a fraction, just enough so I could peek up at her through the mane that covered my face like a black mourning veil.
But that’s what this felt like.
Like some piece of myself that had just come to life had died.
“Not really.”
Sadness slipped from between her pursed lips. “I’m so sorry you’re going through this, Mia. The last thing I’d expected was for him to leave like that once the album was finished.”
Grief-stricken, I shook my head against the pillow. “Maybe I was the fool for believing that he wouldn’t.”
She hummed a disconcerted sound and kept playing with a lock of my hair. “I think he’s scared. Scared out of his mind with what he feels for you.”
I hugged myself tighter, guarding against the downpour of agony. “He’s a coward. I mean . . . he . . . he couldn’t handle my daughter talking to her dad?” I frantically blinked through the assertion.
Unable to make sense of it.
I kept rummaging around in the rubble like I could find an acceptable reason.
But there was no excuse for him leaving like this.
“He should have at least talked to me. Told me his fears. If he had to go, if he couldn’t face them in order to be with us, then I would have understood. It would have broken me, but I would have let him go. But for him to leave while my daughter was waiting for him to take her for pizza? That’s unforgiveable.”
A disorder billowed.
The rumble of a quiet, building storm.
Something was off.
So off.
Tamar’s words were soft. “Sometimes people never learn to see through their own darkness.”
The knot in my throat wobbled, nothing but a ball of crushed up, broken glass, and through bleary eyes, I stared up at her.
“I wanted him to. I wanted him to find that in me. In us. So badly.” The confession scraped from the wounds he’d left written on me. Bleeding and raw. “He suffers so terribly, and I know he’s turning away from the hope of joy for fear of suffering it all over again. I’m not sure he knows anything but grief.”
And there was the truth.
This man’s pain greater than any person should endure.
“You saw the goodness in him, Mia. Your heart recognized what was hidden deep. But maybe he’s not ready. Maybe he’s not ready for the amazing things that the three of you are, and he’s afraid of spoiling what you already have.”
A grumble rolled from the other side of the room, and I peeked over through my mess of hair to see my brother toiling in the doorway.
“Mia . . .” Lyrik seemed to hesitate. “Need you to know something,” he grumbled low.
My entire being flinched. I wasn’t sure I could handle him telling me something horrible about Leif right then.
He eased into my room, ominous and powerful the way that he always was. “Know this is going to sound like I’m sticking up for him, but I think you should know that I talked to him after we wrapped the album yesterday afternoon.”
My heart shivered.
Defenseless.
Terrified to listen but starving for any word.
Slowly, I forced myself to turn, to sit up, to face my brother and whatever he had to say.
“He was gettin’ ready to leave the studio. Could tell he couldn’t wait to get back to you. Ash was giving him shit about it, and he didn’t even try to deny it. I followed him upstairs, asked him his intentions.”
Sorrow lapped.
Why?
Why would he just leave me, then?
Lyrik wet his lips in agitation.
Misery moaned within me when he continued, “He told me straight up that he was in love with you, Mia. That the two of you were goin’ to figure out how to make this thing work. Admitted it was going to be hard, but acknowledged you were worth it.”
In his own helpless confusion, he hiked his shoulders while I choked over the sob that his words wrung out of me.
“Have to say, after talking to him, he didn’t strike me as the guy who was just gonna bail.” It felt like maybe his words were issued with some kind of warning.
I licked my dried, cracked lips. “He said it was time for him to go. That it didn’t matter how much he loved me, he could never keep me.”
Each word was lined with despair.
Lyrik scoffed a rough sound. “Yeah, well I’d buy the idea that he doesn’t believe he’s worthy of you. But the fact he took off because Penny was talkin’ to Nix? Pretty sure the guy didn’t figure out just last night that you have a baby daddy.”
I fumbled over a shaky nod.
My stomach sick.
Nausea fierce.
Agony prowled my throat, so thick it choked me, and I was sure I was going to vomit.
No longer able to contain it.
To keep it inside.
I swallowed over the thick knot. “Something happened. Something bigger than I understand.”