Jude finished his beer, then knocked the base against the table like a gavel.
“And on that note, I hereby call this Meeting of the Brotherhood to order.”
Austin rolled his eyes. “Meeting of the Brotherhood? Really?”
Jude looked hurt. “Feel like we’ve outgrown JAM. I was kinda leaning toward Asshole Award, but that was so close to Jackass Meeting it didn’t feel big enough to warrant the change.” He smirked as he held out his hands like he was weighing the options.
“In my family, we call it a Come to Jesus.” Austin folded his arms on the table, settling his gaze on me. “Let’s just cut through the bullshit. You’re screwing up, Jack. No doubt.”
I swiped my beer off the table and took a long drink. “Gee. Thanks. I needed to hear that because I was definitely not aware I’ve been doing it all wrong since Nat died. I feel so much better now.”
Alex shook his head. “That’s not what we’re here to talk about.”
“Then what are we talking about? Because all I see is my kids, struggling day in and day out to make sense of the world and me…their dad…the only person they have to help them…keeps letting them down.”
“That.” Jude pointed my way. “Right there. That’s the shit we’re talking about. You’re not letting them down. You’re letting yourself down. Amelia too. You guys had a good thing going and you had to blow it up.”
My jaw dropped. Damn straight I had to blow it up. It was my job as a parent to put my kids first. “It’s not like I wanted this to happen.”
“Then why is my fiancée with Amelia as we speak, trying to help her make sense of how you turned into a lying douche overnight?” Alex cocked his head and lifted his brows.
A lying douche?
A lying douche?
I glanced at Jude and Austin for support and found their heads bobbing in agreement.
I drummed my fingers on the table as I watched them judge me. “Okay then. If you guys have it all figured out, what would you have done when your son broke down and told you having Amelia around made him miss his mom even more than he already was? What would you have done when he sat in your lap and cried? Please. Enlighten me. Because not knowing what to do or say to make this better has fucking exhausted me. I’m all used up, guys. I’ve got nothing left.”
My friends stared.
“You have us,” Austin finally said.
“And you had Amelia.” Jude’s quiet voice sank a rock into my stomach.
“And you should have talked to her about this instead of lying about being sick.”
I glared at Alex. “That’s awfully hypocritical of you—”
“You could look at it that way. Or you could realize I’m the most qualified person in this room to give this advice because I made the same damn mistake. It nearly cost me everything, man. I don’t want that for you.”
As I contemplated telling Alex to fuck off, Austin met my eyes. “I’ve never seen you as happy as you’ve been the last couple months. Never. Not even when Nat was around, and I used to think you were the luckiest motherfucker in the world to have a woman love you like she did. And then I saw the way Amelia looked at you and I knew you were the luckiest motherfucker in the world. Who gets two women to love him like that?”
“Lucky?” I sat back in my chair like he’d punched me. “You think losing two of the best things to ever happen to me is luck?”
“You haven’t lost Amelia.” Jude tapped the table. “Not yet.”
“I have. I’m choosing to walk away.” And it was the hardest choice I’d ever made. Couldn’t they see that?
Jude pursed his lips. “Which makes you stupider than I thought.”
“Well fuck you very much.” I scrubbed a hand over my mouth and sat back, biting my tongue until I calmed down enough to speak without lashing out. “Look, you guys don’t have kids. You don’t know what it’s like to be responsible for three little people whose lives depend on your every move. Every choice I make affects them. The way they see themselves, the way they see the world, the kinds of decisions they’ll make in the future, that’s on me. What I say, what I do, who I am…that shit shapes them every single day and the fucking weight on my shoulders…man, I feel like I’m gonna break.”
Alex leaned forward, holding out his hands as if begging me to understand. “But that’s also a decision they’re watching you make. Do you want them to learn to sacrifice what they want, what they need until they’re burned out and empty?”
“One day those kids are going to grow up and move out.” Jude ran a hand through his hair and sat back. “What then? Are you just going to be alone the rest of your life? Don’t you deserve to be happy, too?”
Austin eyed me for a long time before speaking. “Back when Nat died, we all offered to help, and you turned us down because you’re a stubborn son of a bitch. Here we are, offering help again, and you’re still a stubborn son of a bitch. I see it written all over your face. You don’t think we understand. And maybe we don’t, not all the way. But, I say this with all the love in the world, get off your fucking high horse and at least think about what we’re saying.”
Their points were solid, and my mind was spinning, but my decision had been made. I’d already lied to Amelia, then pushed her away. I doubted she’d be so quick to let me back in…
And that didn’t even begin to take Garrett and his breakdown into consideration…
I covered my face with my hands then threaded my fingers through my hair. “Fucking rocks and hard places. That’s all I ever get.”
Jude shook his head. “That’s all you ever see.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“It means you think too much. You and your kids were better with Amelia than you’d been in a long time.”
“But it didn’t last.”
“You didn’t give it a chance to last. You saw a ‘fucking hard place’ and ran away.”
I sat back and stared. My decisions weren’t simple math anymore; it was all calculus. Decisions branching off like fractals in all directions. Whatever I did had to be good for all four of us, not just me.
Closing my eyes, I inhaled deeply, then let it out slowly, which made me think of Amelia and her love of deep cleansing breaths. God, I missed that woman.
I looked to each of my friends in turn. Jude, with his shit-eating grin and cocksure attitude. Alex and his ability to be so selfish, yet so aware and understanding of what made people who they were. Austin and his brooding silences hiding a loyalty streak that ran deep and true. These men had been by my side for decades and if they were calling me out on my bullshit, I needed to listen.
“I hear you.” I sighed deeply. “It may not seem like it, but I’m hearing what you’re saying. I don’t know what I’m gonna do with it all yet, but thank you. I think.”
“Hey.” Jude dropped a hand on my shoulder. “That’s what we’re here for. To make sure you know when you’re being an obstinate dickhead.”
With that, I finished my beer, said goodbye, and headed home to save Izzy from the kids.