The ICU isn’t a great place for someone who’s losing their mind.
It’s sterile.
It feels solitary.
Lonely.
And those fucking machines everywhere.
Beeping, flashing, a reminder that life isn’t promised forever.
The sight of Jessica lying in that bed, hooked up to those machines, with that mask on her face, hits me hard in the chest. I have to work like fuck to contain my response, to keep my shit together.
She’s awake and reaches her hand out for me.
“Fuck, baby,” I say, my hand practically fucking strangling hers as I take the seat next to her bed. My other hand is all over her arm, her shoulder, her neck, her face. “Fuck.” Every cell in my body is straining to see for itself that she’s breathing. That she’s alive.
She can’t speak, but her features crease into a look that says, “I’m okay, Jack.”
Gripping her hand like my life depends on it, I say, “I was so fucking worried about you.”
She gives me a slight nod. Blink and I’d miss it, but it’s there.
She’s exhausted. Seeing this only increases my worry.
The nurse interrupts, doing some checks on Jessica.
I sit quietly and wait for her to finish, not taking my eyes off Jessica for even a second.
When she’s done, I take Jessica’s hand again. “You should get some rest. I’m going to let the others in to see you, and then I’ll be back.”
I press a kiss to her cheek before leaving. I don’t want to go anywhere, but I know everyone else wants to see Jessica for themselves. Once they’ve seen her, I’ll stay as long as the hospital lets me.
Will and Mira go in first, staying ten minutes. Ashton and Lorelei also spend the same amount of time. Then, the doctor needs her, so by the time all of that is done, forty minutes have passed. I’d swear it was forty fucking days.
“Visiting hours were over a while ago,” the nurse says when I go back in after saying goodbye to everyone. “Since Jessica came in late, we’ll let you stay, but only for another fifteen minutes. She needs her rest.”
I refrain from telling her what I think of the visiting hours. Instead, I say, “Thank you. I appreciate it.”
Jessica’s eyes are closed when I return, but they open slowly when she hears me.
“They’re letting me stay another fifteen minutes, sweetheart, but then I have to go. I’m going to be right outside, though, so I’m close by if you need me.”
She frowns and gives a tiny shake of her head. She can’t talk, so she can’t tell me to go, which is what I know she’s trying to say.
I bring her hand to my mouth and kiss it before smiling at her. “This face mask isn’t the worst thing.”
She rolls her eyes at that, and fuck if it doesn’t give me hope that she’s going to be okay.
I sleep on the chairs in the small ICU waiting room. Axe tries to get me to go home, but I refuse. “You can go,” I say, not wanting to force him to sleep here. The guy is huge. I’m not sure he’ll even fit in one of these chairs.
“I’m not going anywhere,” he says, folding himself into a seat.
It’s a long night and when I wake at six, Axe is sitting across from me, drinking a coffee. “I’ve got another week with you before I have to fly out to the States for another job. Let’s do our fucking best not to end up back here,” he says.
I stand and stretch. “I take it you like these chairs as much as I do.”
“Even fucking less.”
I chuckle. “You think you’ll be back after you finish in the States? Or is this it for us?” I don’t think Axe’s usual job is basic security like he’s been doing for me, so my guess is it’s the end of the road for us, but I’d be a happy fucker if he returned. I trust Jessica’s life with him in a way I’m not sure I trust it with anyone else.
He gives a quick shake of his head. “This is it for us.”
“I figured. And I’ll be sure to mention to Jessica to get her lungs on board with your plan of never coming back here.”
His mouth lifts at the ends in a way they never do. It’s not a full smile, but it’s the closest thing to a smile I’ve ever seen on his face.
I look at the doors to the ICU ward and curse the fact that visiting hours don’t start until 10:00 a.m. It’s going to be a long fucking morning.
Ashton and Lorelei arrive at 9:00 a.m. bringing me fresh clothes and toiletries.
“How is she?” Lorelei asks.
“Stable. Still on the machine.”
“Okay, well stable is good.”
“Yeah.” But I’d prefer for her to be off that machine. Every minute she stays on it is a minute that could lead to her needing to be intubated.
I change and freshen up before coming back to wait to see Jessica. One of Axe’s guys comes to take over from him, but he refuses to leave. I encourage him to leave and get some proper rest, but he refuses me too. I think he’s as concerned for Jessica as we all are. It’s a damn shame he’s leaving us in a week.
Will and Mira arrive just after Ashton and Lorelei.
We all sit and wait for ten o’clock to arrive. I check in on my mum while I wait. She tells me she’s good and to stop worrying about her. The women in my life would make shit a lot fucking easier for me if they’d just let me worry a little fucking bit. I tell her that as soon as I’ve got Jessica safely home, she and I have a date with her doctor that she’s not getting out of.
At 9:58 a.m., I’m at the ward doors.
At 10:00 a.m., I’m buzzing to be let in.
At 10:01 a.m., I’m ready to lose my shit that I haven’t been let in.
“Jack,” Ashton says, joining me. “She’s going to be okay.”
I look at him. “I’ll believe that when I’ve got her back home with me.”
He nods.
He’d be the same if it was Lorelei lying in that bed in there.
Hell, he’s the same with Jessica. He just holds it better than me.
At 10:02 a.m., the doors finally open and I stride into the ward.
Two visitors are allowed at a time. We all agreed I’d go in first for as long as I want. The problem with that is I want all the time. I won’t take it all, but I fucking want to.
Jessica’s awake, and fuck if she’s not sitting up. She’s still attached to all the machines, and she still has the face mask on, but she’s sitting up, and she’s smiling at me. It’s not much of a smile, but fuck, it’s a smile.
I bend to kiss her cheek. I then take her hand, kiss it, and sit next to her. “Last night was the longest fucking night of my life. I can only imagine what it was like for you. Are you okay?”
She nods and squeezes my hand. She then looks at the table on the other side of her. I follow her gaze and realise she’s motioning at a pad and pencil on the table. Standing, I move around to it and roll the table in so she can reach the pad.
A moment later, she’s scribbled a note to me.
I feel better today.
I glance up at her. “Have they told you how much longer they think you’ll need the machine for?”
They’re hopeful not much longer.