I step forward with my heart hammering inside my chest and my eyes watering. I really didn’t want to cry, but my hormones are throwing everything off my game.
“Hi,” he says, followed by a slight smile.
“Hi,” I echo, dispensing with the smile. I couldn’t muster one up if my life depended on it. Brushing past him, I step inside the guesthouse, and he follows without being asked.
“What are you doing here, Shane?”
When he doesn’t answer, I glance over my shoulder and find him watching me with an unblinking stare that could strip the bark off a tree. “You are so beautiful…”
The dress is stunning, a credit to Jules’ impeccable taste. An Armani pale lavender chiffon column with crystals on it and a split up the leg. Shane’s never seen me dressed up either.
“The dress was Jules’ idea.”
He shakes his head. “You… You get more beautiful every time I see you.”
Ironic, I said the same thing about him once.
“Why are you here, Shane?” I don’t want to fight with him. And I definitely don’t want to waste any more time.
Feet aching, I kick off my shoes and go to the kitchen to grab a glass of water. I’m bone tired and ready for sleep.
“I’m here to apologize…” He stuffs his hands in the front pockets of his slacks and hangs his head. “For leaving you the way I did.”
“Apology accepted. You can go.”
“Blue…”
“Tell me what you want to hear so we can cut to the chase and get it over with. You want absolution? You got it. You want to be on friendly terms? I may be able to manage it in small doses. You want sex on tap? Never happening again. I’m not the same girl you left behind.”
“I can see that,” he says quietly. We stare at each other, and as the seconds pass, the tension grows. I’m tired and pregnant and barely holding onto my composure.
“You have to go, Shane,” I manage to get out without my voice shaking.
“I thought of you every day. Morning, noon, and night. I wanted to call you but I trained myself not to––”
“I don’t care anymore,” I say, cutting him off before he makes me cry.
“You scared me.” He takes his jacket off and throws it on the couch. “I’ve never loved someone the way I love you. I didn’t even think I was capable. You read about this kind of love in books, but you think they’re exaggerating for the sake of a good read. You don’t think it exists and you definitely don’t think it can happen to you.” He looks up at me, his liquid eyes filled with some much pain I feel sorry for him. I’ve been there. It’s hell.
The tears are getting harder to hold back as the first crack in my resolve appears.
“It feels like someone cut my heart out, but I’m the one holding the knife… I did it to myself. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that I love you sooner. And I do––I love you with every part of me. I should’ve put you on a fucking pedestal the minute I met you because you deserve to be there.”
My eyes slam shut, watering so much I can barely see. When they open, he’s closing the mile-wide gap between us. I put a hand out to stop him from touching me.
“Don’t… I can’t do this with you anymore. I can’t be jerked around.”
“I won’t. I promise.”
“Like the last time you promised?”
His shoulders fall. “I knew it was wrong the minute I said it.” He rubs the back of his neck. When he looks up at me, he’s unguarded. Another first. “I figured something out when I was in Europe… ” He steps closer. “The restlessness––the feeling I’ve been running from my entire miserable life came back. That’s when I realized I haven’t been wandering, Blue… I was looking for you.”
My heart is crying out. But it’s not just me I’m protecting.
“I have to tell you something…” His brow wrinkles. He’s preparing himself for the worst. He thinks I’m going to tell him I’m seeing someone else when that couldn’t be any further from the truth.
“It’s no longer just me… I’m pregnant.”
He takes a few steps back, unsteady on his feet. “You’re having a baby?”
“Yes, I’m with child. That’s what pregnant means.” My quip shakes him out of the state of shock.
“We’re having a baby?”
“I’m having a baby. You contributed the sperm.”
That breaks the spell. The sharpness in his eyes returns, his natural confidence and assertiveness snapping back into place.
“I’m the father. I’m not a sperm donor.”
“You’re the man I haven’t seen or heard from in two months.”
“Blue, I am in love with you… I love you. And yes, I fucked up…” He exhales harshly. “We’re having a baby. You and I.” He suddenly smiles the sweetest smile and my resolve loses another brick. Then he frowns. “Wait, were you not going to tell me?”
“I would’ve told you eventually. Yes. When I was out of the risk period.”
“You’re the most maddening woman I have ever met. But you are hands down the best person I know. No one has ever come close. No one will ever come close. Baby, please give me another chance. I am begging you. Let me show you I can do a lot better.”
Tears pour down my face. I wipe them away with the heel of my hand. “You broke my heart.”
He takes me in his arms, holding me gently but firmly. And I melt into him. He smells the same. He sounds the same. He feels the same. Even in his fancy clothes.
“I don’t deserve you. I’m a terrible person,” he murmurs next to my ear. “But I’m going to do everything I can to make it up to you every day for the rest of my natural life.… I pick you. You are the most important person to me.”
It won’t be easy, but I’m going to let him. Because that’s what you do when you love someone.
My knees start to buckle.
“What’s wrong?” I’ve never once heard Shane sound anxious like he is now.
“I’m exhausted. I have to lie down.”
Tipping my chin up, he cradles my face in his capable hands. “Can I stay here tonight? I just want to hold you and watch over you.”
“I’m still mad at you,” I say, leaning in and letting his warmth seep into my skin.
“I know.”
In the bedroom, I strip. Dropping the dress on the floor, I step out of it and grab a wet wipe to clean the makeup off my face. Shane watches from the threshold of the room, leaning on the jamb with arms crossed, a look of wonder on his handsome face.
“I missed you every day,” he says to me. “Truth is…”
“Truth is what?”
“Truth is loving you is the easiest thing I’ve ever done. As easy as breathing.”
Tears fill my eyes again.
“As necessary, too,” he adds and I can’t stop them from falling any more than I can stop myself from loving him back.
I get into bed and watch as Shane slowly gets undressed. Just like I did the first time, but with one major change. Crawling over me, he places a kiss on my belly. It’s almost surprising how natural and familiar it all feels. The only difference being the life growing inside of me.