Honestly, I can’t be certain what the fuck anyone is saying around me, because the second I saw Colin holding that baby, smiling at that baby, cooing at that baby, my brain melted, right along with my ovaries.
“When Zach was born, I’d sit and smell him for hours, like a total wack job,” Ryan says, laughing.
“Yeah, I did the same with Jackson,” Dax says.
I clear my throat. “How many kids do you have, Ryan?”
“Two for now,” Ryan says. “Zachary and Claire. Hopefully, we’ll have another one on the way soon. We’ve been working on it, diligently.” He grins.
Lord have mercy.
No wonder Ryan Morgan is Colin’s Master Yoda! The man is sheer perfection. Insanely gorgeous. Clearly, comfortable in his skin. Charming and confident, while somehow not coming across as cocky. And he wants more babies? I feel like I need the crash cart.
Ryan addresses Keane. “Have you finished shooting the third season yet, Peenie?”
Keane nods. “We wrapped a couple weeks ago.”
“Lucky timing,” Ryan replies.
“Yeah, it was perfect. This way, Mad Dog and I can both stay home with Billie for three months. After that, Maddy’s got a couple cool projects lined up in New York, so Billie and I will travel with her for that stuff. And when we get back, it’ll be perfect timing for me to start shooting the fourth season.”
“I didn’t know you’d already gotten picked up for another season,” Ryan says. “Congrats, Peenie!”
Keane laughs. “We got picked up for three more seasons. Guaranteed.”
“What?” Ryan gets up and hugs his younger brother, effusively, while the room congratulates him. Once seated again, Ryan bats his brother’s thigh. “So, are we gonna see more of your character in future seasons? I’m sick of having to fast-forward through all those other storylines to get to yours.”
Violet adds, “I second that. I hope the producers have noticed what a fan favorite you are, Keaney. It’s all over the internet. People want to see more of you.”
Maddy snorts. “Do you hear that, honey? People want to see more of you.”
“Well, ‘people’ are gonna be in luck, then!” Keane booms, and the pair chuckles. Keane continues, “Actually, they’re gonna see a whole lot more of me throughout the third season, culminating in me doing the Full Monty in episode six!”
The room explodes with questions, prompting Keane to confirm, “Yep. You can see every inch of The Talented Mr. Ripley. The camera lingers on him in excellent lighting.”
Ryan seems annoyed with his younger brother. But Keane only laughs and transforms into Ball Peen Hammer before my eyes. “Yee-boy!” he bellows. “Money, fame, power! It’ll all be mine, thanks to that lingering shot of my peen!”
“He’s not wrong,” Maddy says. “It’s a great career move. Plus, I think it’s great Keane’s challenging societal norms regarding male versus female nudity. People get so uptight about male nudity—somehow, that’s shocking and rated X—and yet, everywhere we look, we see female bodies on display, used to sell every product under the sun. If you ask me, Keane is doing a great thing normalizing male nudity.”
“I’m doing God’s work,” Keane says reverently. “One lingering dong-shot at a time.”
“Keane, the internet is forever,” Ryan says. “People are gonna get crafty and press pause at the exact right second, and then screen shots of your dong will be everywhere.”
“Nobody’s gonna need to ‘get crafty,’ son,” Keane replies proudly. “A person could have the most delayed reflexes in the world and still get a perfect head shot of The Talented Mr. Ripley.” Keane snickers. “See what I did there? I’ve been a dad for less than a week, and my dad jokes are already on point.”
“Exactly how long is this lingering shot in ‘excellent lighting,’ Peenie?” Dax interjects.
Fish adds, “Count it off for us.”
“Why don’t I show you, instead?” Keane says, standing.
“No!” Violet blurts, averting her eyes.
Keane bursts out laughing. “Not like that. I have a rough cut of the episode on my laptop. Due to the, ahem, sensitive nature of the scene, I got final approval of the edit.”
As Violet sighs with relief, Ryan pops up, clearly intending to follow his brother into the other room to watch the scene. “Come on, Peenie Weenie!” Ryan booms. “Show me your lingering dong!”
“Kewl,” Keane says. “All joking aside, I’d appreciate you telling me honestly if you think the porridge is too hot, too cold, or just right.”
“Oh, I’ll tell you, honestly,” Ryan says. He looks at the group. “Don’t leave me hanging here, guys, along with Peen’s peen. Someone else has to come with me to see this porridge.”
“I’d appreciate as much honest feedback as I can get,” Keane says, sounding surprisingly earnest.
Dax and Colin exchange a look I’d caption, Fuck my life. But they both stand, reluctantly, to join the effort. And once that happens, Fish sighs and guides Jackson off his lap, clearly intending to follow suit.
“Thanks, lads!” Keane says. “Ladies? Any of you want to check out my porridge, too?”
“I’ve already seen your porridge, many times,” Maddy deadpans, before pointing to the sleeping baby in her arms.
“Yeah, I think I’m good,” Violet says. “I’d rather not think about your porridge while sitting across from you at Thanksgiving every year.”
Ally shakes her head, looking like a deer in headlights, so I do the same, not that anyone is looking at me, the new girl.
“Suit yourselves, ladies,” Keane says. “But trust me, you’re missing out!”
With that, Keane and his band of brothers and best friends march out of the room to take a nice, long lingering gander at Ball Peen Hammer’s penis. Apparently, in notably excellent lighting.
Twenty-Seven
Amy
With the men out of the room, Violet asks Maddy if she’s as comfortable with Keane showing his ding-dong to the world as it seemed earlier. And Maddy confirms, yes, she’s one hundred percent comfortable with it—that, in fact, she thinks it’s not only hilarious and fun for her exhibitionist husband to bare it all to the world, but, also, she says, she believes it will be a showstopping, buzzworthy moment in the show, which will, in turn, create a social media frenzy, that, in turn, will wind up being a fantastic career move for Keane, like she suggested earlier.
“I suppose, if I didn’t trust my husband completely, I might freak out about the attention he’s going to attract,” Maddy concedes. “But I know Keane belongs to me, completely.” She smiles down at her baby, who’s fast asleep in her arms. “And now, to Billie, too. I never doubt Keane, when it comes to loyalty. He’s rock solid. And let’s not forget, he was a stripper when I met him. I know how much he loves baring it all. So, let my man have his fun at work, as long as he’s all mine, in real life.”
Violet and Maddy talk about the parallels for her, in terms of Dax being a worldwide sex symbol—although a reluctant one, in Dax’s case. But I’m pulled away from eavesdropping on their fascinating conversation by a little blonde nugget tugging on my shirt. It’s Jackson, holding up a wooden puzzle he’s apparently pulled out of his mommy’s tote bag.