“Will you play with me?” he asks.
“I’d love to, Jackson.”
I slide off the couch and sit on the floor next to him, and we begin figuring out the simple puzzle together. But after a few minutes, someone says my name, drawing my attention. When I look up, it’s Maddy who’s addressed me.
“Colin’s an actor now,” Maddy says. “Would you be upset if he showed his crown jewels in a movie?”
“Oh, I don’t think I’m entitled to have an opinion on that, since we’re not a couple.”
Maddy looks surprised. “You and Colin aren’t dating?”
I shake my head, feeling embarrassed. “No. I mean, yes, sort of, in the sense that we’re not merely platonic friends. But it’s casual. No labels or strings.” Except for the fact that I love him. “We grew up together,” I add quickly, reacting to the three stares I’ve provoked. “And Colin thinks there’d be too much pressure from our families if we jumped into a relationship, out in the open, so . . .” I trail off, realizing I sound like a pathetic doormat.
The truth is mortifying to me. There’s no way around it. I’ve been letting Colin feed me tiny little breadcrumbs this whole time, whenever he chooses, when what I want—and deserve—is the entire goddamned loaf!
Violet looks sympathetic. “Colin’s engineered a little ‘friends with benefits’ arrangement while you’re staying at his house this week, has he?”
I nod, acknowledging the pitiful truth, not only to her, but to myself.
Violet’s blue eyes flash with anger. “Colin wants to have sex with you, and play house with you, and bring you to parties and to my house to hang out, until we’re all head over heels in love with you . . . all while telling you it’s only casual?”
“In fairness, we both agreed.”
“But that’s not what you want?” Violet says. “You agreed because you figured some of Colin was better than nothing?”
I swallow hard and nod.
“But now you feel like his side chick. His guilty pleasure. You feel like he cares more about your brother’s feelings than yours.”
This time, she’s issuing statements, not questions. And I can’t stop nodding like a bobblehead. “Get out of my head, Violet Morgan,” I whisper, trying to deflect my embarrassment with humor. But Violet’s not smiling at my remark, so I clasp my hands and press my lips together, feeling bare and vulnerable under her blue gaze.
Alessandra shifts in her seat. “For what it’s worth, I can tell Colin really likes you. Every time I’ve seen him with you, it’s obvious he’s totally smitten with you.”
My heart leaps with hope at Alessandra’s pronouncement . . . until I see the look of skepticism and fury Violet and Maddy are exchanging.
“You two don’t agree,” I say.
Violet returns to me and smiles sympathetically. “Of course, we agree Colin is smitten with you. That boy is happier around you than he’s ever been. That’s what makes what he’s doing so infuriating.”
My breathing catches at Violet’s implication: Colin is happier around me than he was with his gorgeous dancer?
“How can Colin be this clueless?” Maddy asks.
“I don’t know,” Violet says. “I know that boy’s not the most self-aware tool in the box, but how can he ask Amy to accept something casual and hidden, when it’s so obvious she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to him?”
I clutch my heart, too overwhelmed and excited at Violet’s statement to react in words.
Violet leans back in her seat and addresses me. “Answer me this, Amy. What kind of relationship would you want with Colin, if you could wave a magic wand and have anything at all?”
“Anything?” I shrug. “I’d want what you have with Dax.” I look at Maddy and Alessandra. “What all of you have. Eventually. For now, I’d be thrilled to be his girlfriend, out in the open. And if that went well, then, yeah, I’d want what you all have. A commitment. A promise of forever.” My eyes drift to Jackson next to me. Then to Billie in Maddy’s arms. “A family.”
When my chin begins trembling, Violet moves from her chair to the floor, right next to me, and hugs me. And the minute she wraps her arms around me, I can’t hold back my tears.
“Does Colin know how you feel?” Violet asks, stroking my hair.
“Yes and no,” I say through a sniffle. “I’m sure he knows I’ve always had a crush on him. We’ve never talked about it, but I can’t imagine I’ve hidden it well. Plus, I basically admitted my lifelong crush in a drunken text I sent to him the night of the wedding. But there’s no way he could understand the way my childhood crush has now morphed into a very adult love that’s as deep as any ocean.”
“Oh, honey,” Violet coos. “You poor thing! You can’t keep doing something ‘casual’ with a man you love. It’s impossible.”
“That’s what I’m figuring out,” I admit. “It was fine, at first. Fun. But not anymore. I’m turning myself into pretzels telling myself I’m fine with casual when I’m not. I should have put my foot down last night, when Colin lied about us to my brother and sister-in-law during a FaceTime call. I was so hurt and pissed when we ended that call, but then our argument turned into this hurricane of lust, and I temporarily forgot everything he’d done to hurt my feelings.” I blush. “Colin’s really good at sex. It’s hard for me to remember my own name when we get going.”
Maddy laughs. “Good sex will do that to you.”
“And then, Colin was awe-inspiring on the set today,” I continue, “so I was too blown away by him to remember how I’ve been feeling. But now that I’m talking about it with you ladies, I’m realizing I can’t keep lying to myself. Good sex is only a temporary fix. My hurt feelings aren’t going to disappear. They’re only going to grow, if I keep pretending I’m fine being his guilty pleasure.”
When tears prick my eyes again, Violet hugs me. So, I cry on her shoulder for a moment, while the other women whisper words of encouragement. When Violet and I disengage, Jackson crawls into my lap and hugs me.
“Thank you,” I say to my little friend.
“It’s okay,” Jackson says, patting my arm. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
“That’s so sweet of you, Donut,” Violet says. “We should always help the people we love when they’re sad. And we should always be honest about our feelings when we love someone.”
I look at Violet and feel a tidal wave of love for her. She’s a stunning woman. Dark hair in a bob. Big blue eyes. Chiseled cheeks. But I’ve come to realize she’s even more beautiful on the inside.
“I’d give anything to hear Colin say to me what Jackson just did,” I admit.
“Maybe he will,” Alessandra says hopefully. “If you say it first?”
I shake my head. “If that’s how Colin is feeling, he wouldn’t have lied to my brother last night. I know he cares about me. I know he’s having fun with me. But casual is all he’s willing to give me.”