Tank took her hand and said, “I know even thinking about your father scares the living shit out of you. But you’re stronger than you think you are, and if you love Brant, then you’ll figure out a way to make this happen.”
She put her head on Tank’s shoulder. “I love him, Tank, but I’m not sure love is enough to fix this.”
“Then maybe you need to get closure for yourself and figure that out.”
The door opened behind them, and Leah appeared, holding five-year-old Junie. Junie’s face was buried in Leah’s shoulder, her springy red curls tangled against Leah’s mass of thick, curly brownish-red hair. One of Junie’s hands rested on Leah’s very pregnant belly. “Hey, Cait.”
“Hi, Leah. Sorry to keep Tank out here so long. How are you feeling?”
“Like this baby needs to come out and meet us before I burst,” she whispered in her Southern drawl. “Sorry to interrupt, but Junie’s having a time of it tonight, and she just wanted a snuggle from Papa Tank.”
Tank pushed to his feet and reached for Junie. “Come here, Twitch.” He settled her against his shoulder.
“Hi, Cait,” Junie said sleepily. “We made pie.”
“I heard you and Rosie are pretty great bakers.” Cait stood and patted Junie’s back, earning a sleepy sigh. “Tank, I’ll get out of your hair. Thanks for talking with me. I hope your baby comes soon, Leah. I can’t wait to meet it.”
As she headed for her car, Tank called out her name. When she turned back, he had his arm around Leah, and Junie looked like she’d already dozed off. He hugged Leah against his side, kissing her head, and said, “Figure it out, Cait. It’s worth it.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
BRANT WALKED INTO his cottage Sunday night, and Scrappy took off for his usual inspection on the nights when Cait was at the Cape. Their pooch scampered onto the couch, sniffing and whimpering, then darted into every room, and when he didn’t find Cait, he stood at the patio doors peering outside and whining.
“She’s not out there, buddy.”
Brant pulled open the slider, and Scrappy ran outside to search for their girl. The silence in the cottage was deafening. He had no idea how someone as quiet as Cait could make so much noise when she wasn’t even home. Home. Man, had that word taken on a new meaning the last month and a half. Her sketchbooks were on the tables, her sneakers by the door, and his sweatshirt that she’d claimed as her own hung over the arm of the couch. He didn’t need to go into the bedroom to know that her sleeping shirt and shorts were in a pile on the floor by the bed and her favorite fuzzy slippers were on opposite sides of the room because she’d kicked them off as they’d tumbled to the mattress the night before she’d left. God help them if they ever had kids, which he hoped they would one day. They’d be known as the messy parents.
He could live with that.
Hell, he wanted to live with that.
That mess was progress. It was another step his girl had taken in letting go of the nightmare her father had put her through. He pulled out his phone and called Cait.
She answered on the second ring with a simple “Hi,” and her sweet voice filled those empty spots inside him that her leaving always left behind.
“Hey, babe. Sorry to call so late. I hung out with Wells and Fitz for a while after the other guys took off.”
“It’s okay. I was out late, too. Did you have fun?”
“Yeah. We were just dicking around. How about you? How was shopping? Did Abby find a dress?”
“Abby found a beautiful dress, and we had dinner afterward. It was fun spending the day together,” she said unconvincingly.
“Are you sure you enjoyed it? You don’t sound very happy.”
“I am happy. Being with them was great. I just wish I were more like them sometimes.”
“Why? You’re perfect as you are.”
She scoffed. “Not really. When I saw Abby in those wedding dresses, so happy and excited about her life, I realized I’ve spent years hiding in my safe cocoon here on the Cape. I never even thought about having a real future, or falling in love, or having my own family one day. Then you and my sisters came into my life, and it’s like I’ve been working in black and white for all these years, and suddenly there you all are, bursting with the most spectacular colors I’ve ever seen, and God, Brant, I want all of those things.”
“Then you’ll have them, babe.”
“That’s just it. I’m holding myself back. I’m standing in my safety net on the Cape when what I want is to leap across the ocean and into your arms. I want to grab hold of us, the mural, and maybe even open a tattoo shop, and gush to my sisters about how happy we are. But when I think about taking that leap, even after all these years, I feel like a marionette, and my past is clutching my strings, yanking me back to my safety zone.”
“Caity, you don’t need to leap. I didn’t mean to push you or make you feel pressured when I told you I love you.”
“You didn’t. This isn’t about you doing something unfair to me. You opened my eyes, Brant. You opened my heart, and I am glad you did.”
He could tell she was pacing by the cadence of her voice. “You don’t sound happy, angel. You sound frustrated. There’s no rush. It might just take some time to trust in me enough to know that things will work out.”
“Don’t you see? This isn’t about trusting you or anyone else. It’s about trusting myself, trusting my instincts and my heart,” she said vehemently. “I’m sick of analyzing every step before I make it. I spent my childhood holding my breath and all those middle years hiding and terrified. Then I found Tank, and he gave me a safe place where I fit in and where I was able to get therapy and learn to breathe again. And then I found you, Brant, and I realized I was still barely breathing, because my safety bubble is too small and too far away. I don’t want that anymore. I want you, and you don’t deserve to have my past hanging around our necks like a noose.”
“What does that mean, babe? You can’t change what you’ve been through, and I am not letting you go.”
“I don’t know what I mean, but I’m going to figure it out.”
He fucking hated the distance between them. He had a full day of equipment inspections and their biannual meeting with their accountants for the equipment supply company tomorrow, none of which was even half as important as Cait’s well-being. “Why don’t I cancel tomorrow’s meeting and head over there now? I don’t want you to be alone tonight.”
“No, don’t do that. I’m fine. I really am. I’m just exhausted and angry at myself. I think I just need to try to get some sleep. I’m sure I’ll feel better tomorrow.” She sighed heavily. “I’m sorry for dumping all of this on you.”
“That’s what I’m here for. I need to know what you’re going through so I can help.”
“I appreciate that, but the only person who can help with this is me. It’s something I have to figure out alone.”
“Alone?” Fuck. She’d already spent far too much of her life alone.
“It’s in my head, Brant. Not yours. You can be the best boyfriend in the world, but until I slay my demons, I’ll never have the future I want.” Her voice escalated. “And if you want to be with me, you’ll never have the one you deserve. You know what? I can’t do this right now.” She sounded pained. “Can I just call you tomorrow, please?”