"I'll see you at lunch, Penny," Tyler said.
My hand froze. I continued to look at the paper on my desk, but I couldn’t help but tilt my head a little to the left. I needed to know what she was going to say. I needed to hear her confirm that she had a date with Tyler Stevens. That she was moving on just like I’d told her to. The thought wasn’t as comforting as it should have been.
"Don't be late, I have a class at two," she responded.
"I wouldn't dare." Tyler laughed and I heard his footsteps diminish as he walked out the back door.
So that was it. I’d told her to stay away, and she’d listened. But as the class emptied in front of me I could still smell her. She was still sitting there, watching me. I turned and put my papers into my satchel. Maybe she needed closure to fully enjoy her date with Tyler. That’s what I wanted, right? For her to be happy with someone better suited for her? Besides, if she didn’t start dating someone else, I was worried I’d try to pull her back in. And I couldn’t do that. I needed to push her away.
"I'm sorry about the other night, Miss Taylor. I was out of line,” I said without looking at her. I continued to shove the rest of my papers in my satchel.
"I'm not sorry."
I shook my head, even though it killed me. She wasn’t sorry. She liked it. I knew that. I knew that from the way she’d kissed me back. And the way her hands roamed my skin. I wasn’t sorry either. But I’d always been a great liar. "You don't need to be. It was my mistake."
"I mean that I'm not sorry that it happened."
I finally turned to look at her. Sitting at this desk reminded me of what it was like to be a student. It made me feel like her equal. And for just a moment, I wished I could go back and do it all differently. She still had her whole life in front of her. I’d already squandered away a chunk of mine. I wasn’t going to let her do the same thing. And certainly not because of me.
"Enjoy your lunch date, Miss Taylor. I will see you in class on Friday." I stood up and walked away. If she didn’t realize I was doing this for her now, she eventually would. She’d look back at this moment and be thankful that she never took things further with her professor.
***
All the Comm presentations from today were graded and my other classes didn’t have anything left for me to go over. I’d already run five miles, lifted weights in the apartment gym to avoid running into any students, and eaten dinner.
And now? I had nothing to do and I was obsessing over whether or not Penny’s lunch date had gone well. It wasn’t what I should have been dwelling on. I needed something else to occupy my time with.
I thought about calling one of my friends from New York. But there was a reason why we’d drifted apart. And none of those guys were good for me to hang out with. They were replicas of my little brother. Right now I wasn’t interested in going out, getting wasted, and having a one night stand. I wasn’t going to slide back into my old ways.
I leaned back in my chair in my apartment’s office. It was the only room in the house that I’d actually taken the time to make my own. It was just as big as my bedroom and there were windows overlooking Main Street to one side. All the furniture was modern and my desk was positioned near the window to get the best view. Two of the walls were covered in floor to ceiling bookcases. There was a whiteboard on the other wall. If I’d been inspired to do anything, it would have been full of mathematical equations. But the whiteboard was blank. There was even a dartboard and a little basketball hoop above the trash can that I spent a lot of time failing to hit.
I lifted a picture frame off my desk. It was of me and my siblings at my company’s launch party. We all looked younger and were smiling so hard. A conversation with Rob was easy if unproductive. But with my older sister Jen? I’d gone back home and I hadn’t called her. Because I already knew what she’d say: “Sure, I’m having dinner with Mom and Dad tonight and you can join!”
The last thing I wanted to do was rekindle a relationship with my parents. I wasn’t as forgiving as Jen. But they also hadn’t fucked her life up as much as they had mine. Regardless, I couldn’t call her either. She’d just be pissed that I hadn’t visited her. And further pissed that my heart was so cold. I knew I was a disappointment. I didn’t need anyone else reminding me.
I set the picture back down. I remembered that launch party like it was yesterday. Was that really the last time I’d smiled like that? Dr. Clark says you smile when you talk about Penny. But he also thought I was talking about a colleague. Not one of my fucking students. I pushed the thought aside. I loved teaching. But I didn’t love idle nights like this. I looked over at my empty whiteboard.
I needed something to focus on so that I wouldn’t think about Penny. I stood up and walked over to the board. Something. Anything. I folded my arms across my chest and stared at the blank board. Instead of an idea popping into my head, there was nothing. I felt as empty as the whiteboard. Completely and utterly empty.
Chapter 15
Friday
It was harder to focus on the speeches today. I wasn’t sure if it was because I could feel the distance between myself and Penny, or if it was the fact that she would be going up to the podium soon and I’d have to look at her. I wouldn’t have a choice. And whatever distance had been put between us might disappear as soon as I got my first proper look at her since last weekend.
I’d been doing better. Thinking about her less and less. At least…trying to. And I was worried that as soon as she was in front of me, I’d feel like I was starving to taste her again. I imagined us standing together in the rain. Pushing her against the car. Pressing her full lips against mine.
Breathe. I jotted down a few notes and then glanced at the next name on my roster. Great. My favorite student. Not. “Tyler Stevens.”
Like Raymond, he didn't look at all nervous when he reached the podium.
He looked over at Penny and started talking. “I've gotta be honest with all of you. I'm going to be incredibly sappy for the next few minutes, because I have met THE most amazing girl. She's sweet and funny and super cute."
I had been hoping he’d make a fool of himself. Trip on his way to the podium. Stumble over his words. But no luck. And to make matters worse…he was definitely addressing Penny. His eyes were locked on her. It was like he was claiming her in front of the whole class. It was what I wanted and yet…I also wanted to rip his head off.
"And she is quite inspirational,” he said. “Let me give you some examples. She usually says no when I ask her on a date."
The whole class started laughing.
"But it's okay, because she does laugh at all my jokes. She also kneed me in my junk that one time."
Everyone laughed again. But all I could think about was why. Why had she kneed Tyler in the crotch? What had he done to her? It must have been something inappropriate. Something she didn’t want. I glared at him.
"But she's apologized. So that was nice of her. As you can see, she's a handful. Wow, now that I think about it, is she really that inspiring? I know it sounds crazy, but I really think so. And hey, at least she's inspiring me to be persistent."