“Tell me what you’re thinking,” Dr. Clark said. “That’s why you’re here.”
I ran my hand down my face. What was there left to say? I’d already decided to stop pursuing Penny. End of discussion.
He wrote something down in his notebook, the scribbling sound of the pen against the paper slowly driving me insane. “Did you two go on a date?”
He wasn’t letting this go easily. “Not exactly. I gave her a lift home the other night.”
“And how did you feel when you were alone with her?”
I thought about Penny’s broken heel and the blood dripping down her knees. Infuriated. And then I thought about how she smelled like cherry blossoms and how beautiful her blue eyes were. Intoxicated. “Conflicted.”
“Now we’re getting somewhere. What were you conflicted about?”
Whether to turn the car around and kill whoever had ditched her on the side of the road. Or to lean over and kiss away any bad memories of her night. Whether or not I should cross the line of our relationship in the classroom. Whether or not our different ages would be an issue. I was conflicted about every single thing. “All of it. She’s out of my league.”
Dr. Clark laughed. “I doubt there are many women who’d consider themselves out of your league. I’ll ask you again…why were you conflicted? Does this have to do with Isabella?”
“No.” I shook my head. Sometimes Dr. Clark seemed really dumb. “It has nothing to do with her.”
“We haven’t talked about her since our first few sessions.”
“Because there is nothing left to say.”
“Do you think you’re over her?”
Why was he pressing this? “My relationship with Isabella was built off obligation, not love.” Our parents had pretty much arranged for us to be together since we were born.
“But you went along with it for years.”
“You know perfectly well I wasn’t happy.”
He shook his head like he didn’t believe me. It didn’t matter if he did or not. Isabella was nothing to me. And none of my hesitancy about Penny had to do with Isabella. If I liked Isabella at all, I’d still be in NYC with her. I’d still be sharing a bed with her. I wouldn’t want to throw up at the mention of her name.
Dr. Clark jotted something else down in his notebook and then looked back up at me. “It just seems logical that you might be sabotaging your relationship with this new woman because you still have feelings for Isabella.”
That definitely wasn’t it. I had been waiting impatiently for this session. But now that I was here it seemed pointless.
“Maybe it’s your whole life in New York that’s making you sabotage your fresh start here. You left all your friends and family behind. Don’t you think that might be holding you back from embracing your new life here?”
I shook my head.
“Then what did you feel conflicted about when you were driving your colleague home?”
I was done talking about this.
“You know the answer.” His voice was stern. “You’re paying me to talk through your issues with you. If you won’t talk to me, then what are you doing here, James?”
I pressed my lips together.
“Tell me why you’re conflicted.”
What the hell did he want me to say?
“You were conflicted being alone with this woman because…”
“I’m not a good person! Is that what you want to hear? I’m not a good person. And she deserves better than someone like me.”
“James.” He put his notebook and pen down. “Only a good person would even consider his own morality in the context of starting a new relationship. Don’t you see?”
His point was moot. Because what I said was what really mattered. Penny was everything good in the world. Even her touch radiated warmth. And me? My soul was dark. I was barely holding on. A man like me didn’t deserve Penny’s light.
Dr. Clark leaned forward. “You worked hard to turn your life around. You’re allowed to let go of your past. You’re allowed to give yourself a break.”
“She’s too good for me.”
“You took a job as a professor to give back. We both know you don’t need the money. You’re doing good things here.”
“Doing one positive thing in my whole life doesn’t make me a saint.”
“Positivity attracts more positivity.”
I hated when he talked about the universe giving back what I put out. “It’s done. I told her it was over.” I begged her to stay away, because I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to.
Dr. Clark shook his head and lifted his pen back up. “I think that was a mistake.”
“And coming here was a fucking mistake.” I stood up to go.
“When was the last time you had a drink?” he said to my back.
I froze.
“When was the last time you even wanted a drink?”
I hadn’t consumed a single sip of alcohol since I’d met Penny. I hadn’t even thought about it.
“Sit back down, James. We can figure out what’s bothering you together. That’s why I’m here.”
I turned back toward him and shoved my hands in my pockets. Why did I always fight being honest with him? He was literally being paid hundreds of dollars an hour to listen to me. With no repercussions. “When I’m with her, I feel my self-control slipping. And I don’t like that feeling.”
“You don’t need self-control around a consenting adult.”
“It’s not just sex. I feel myself being drawn to her all the time. It’s easier to breathe when she’s beside me.”
Dr. Clark smiled. “Falling in love isn’t a disease, James.”
“I’m not falling in love with her.”
“What you just described…the smile on your face…”
I didn’t realize I was smiling. I quickly cut it out. “I don’t know how to let go without feeling like I’m slipping.”
“And I’ll say it again…slipping into love isn’t a disease.”
“It feels the same to me.”
“You’re allowed to let go of your past. You’re allowed to embrace change. You’re allowed to be happy.”
He wasn’t getting it. I’d told him the truth and he didn’t understand. “I think I just need some fresh air.”
“I’ll see you next Sunday then?”
I nodded and left the room. Even though I was still resigned to keep Penny at arm’s length, there was at least one thing Dr. Clark had said that resonated with me. I needed to let go of my past. And even though I felt like I had, there was still the issue of the unsigned documents.
When I got home, I called my lawyer to set up a few meetings in New York. Then I packed a suitcase and sent off emails to cancel my next few classes. For Comm I moved up the speeches that were supposed to start next week so that I wouldn’t have to teach on Wednesday and Friday. This was going to be an exhausting trip. And I needed time to get Penny out of my system.
As I headed out the door, I pressed on my brother’s name in my phone. The elevator dinged open and I stepped on.
He answered after a few rings. “If you’re going to yell at me again, you might as well hang up the phone now,” Rob said. “I don’t want you to ruin my vibe.”