I smiled. I could do that. This was the easiest therapy session of my life. Once I started talking, it was like I couldn’t stop. I sounded like a sappy idiot, and I didn’t give a shit.
Dr. Clark looked almost as happy as I was. Until I let something slip about the cameras I was using to spy on her.
“James, we talked about this. You have to remove the cameras.”
“Yeah, I’m on it. I’ll tell Ian to do it later today.” It was a lie. I had no intention of ever removing the cameras. Penny was mine. And I needed to keep her safe.
He gave me a hard stare. “Are you actually going to tell Ian that?”
“It’s honestly not even my fault. This was all his idea.”
Dr. Clark shook his head. “You just told me that you trusted Penny. If you trust her, you should allow her her privacy.”
“I don’t have cameras in her dorm room or anything. I’m not a creep.”
“She might view it differently.”
“I’ll add it to my list of things I still need to confess to her.” Honestly, Penny kinda loved the thrill of being almost caught. I bet she’d love that I watched her. I thought about how our waiter kept interrupting us at the country club. She was into that. God, I loved how naughty she was.
“James?”
I looked back at Dr. Clark. I think I must have missed something he said, because he was staring at me intently. “Sorry, what was that?” I asked.
“When you first came in you said you thought you were in love with her.”
“Yeah.”
“Do you feel differently around her than you did with Rachel?”
“It’s not even comparable.” I knew now that I never loved Rachel. I’d loved the idea of her when we first met. She felt like an escape from my life. But she just wanted to be a part of it. I was pretty sure she loved money, not me. And I certainly hadn’t loved her.
He nodded. “And what about Isabella? Do you feel differently around Penny than you did with Isabella?”
I laughed. “Dr. Clark, I never loved Isabella. She’s a psychopath.”
He raised his eyebrows.
“Sorry, that was probably insensitive to your line of work.”
“No, that’s not it,” he said. “I’m curious as to why you think she’s a psychopath. You think she’s crazy because she cheated on you?”
I laughed. “No. She cheated on me because she didn’t love me either. I think she’s crazy because she was legit locked up for a while at some psych ward after high school.”
Dr. Clark’s eyebrows pulled together. “You never told me that before. Why was she seeking treatment?”
“She was always a little…cold. And cruel. But she kind of lost it senior year of high school and got a little…murdery. I don’t know. We were never really close. She was only in my circle because our parents were friends. That was the only reason. There was just always something off about her. But when she got out of that place, she seemed calmer. Not nicer. Just…different.”
“So…not murdery?”
“Yeah.” In high school I wouldn’t have been at all surprised if Isabella committed homicide. For a while Matt even thought she had. But Isabella didn’t seem as crazy now. She was just a fucking bitch.
“Interesting. Was she on any medication or anything?”
I tried to remember. “There was something she took every day.” I could picture the plastic orange pill container. “I don’t know what it was.” I’d never cared enough to look.
“Are you at all concerned about how she’s going to react to the news that you’re dating someone else?”
“She should be signing the divorce papers any day now. And like I’ve said, she never loved me either. I honestly don’t expect to ever hear from her again. We’ve always lived very separate lives. The break is going to be clean and easy.”
Dr. Clark nodded. “Well, that’s good.”
It was good. As soon as Isabella signed the papers, I’d never have to see her again. I was thrilled for that moment. I just wanted it all behind me.
“Sorry, we got a little off topic there for a moment,” Dr. Clark said with a chuckle. “So, a student, huh?”
I didn’t know what to even say.
“I’d feel negligent if I didn’t at least advise you to reconsider. This could ruin your fresh start here.”
“I think she is my fresh start.”
He smiled. “Like I said…I just needed to say it. You never really take my advice though, do you?” He laughed. “I mean…how’s the yoga going?”
“I take some of your advice.”
“Well, maybe just ignore what I said. It’s good to see you happy.”
It felt good to be this happy.
“What I was leading up to before I got distracted was…you said you thought you were in love with Penny.” He stared at me. “So…are you or are you not?”
I knew that I wasn’t worthy of Penny’s love. I knew that. But that knowledge had no effect on how I felt. And there wasn’t a doubt in my mind now. “I love her. I’m in love with her.”
Chapter 36
Monday
I locked eyes with Penny as I walked into the classroom and smiled. I wasn’t sure I had ever started a day being this excited about something. Someone. But then I noticed the expression on her face. She looked fucking pissed. At me. What did I do now? All I wanted to do was speak with her. To figure out what it was that was bothering her. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t do anything about it right now. It killed me to see her upset. It killed me more that my position made it impossible to fix it.
I cleared my throat. I just needed to get through this class and then I could talk with her in private. "Okay, time for speeches. I'm excited to learn why all of you chose your majors." I pulled the podium to the middle of the room and made my way to the seat in front of Tyler. I smelled Penny’s cherry perfume everywhere, which made it almost impossible to focus on the class. I pulled out my papers to grade the speeches with. "Adam Zabek, you're up.”
Adam and a few other people went and then it was Penny’s turn. Would she let me know what was wrong in her speech? Somehow let me know? The flirting in her answers was usually subtle. She could give me a hint now. Let me in.
"Penny Taylor,” I said. I hoped it came out the way I’d called all the other names. And not like I was in the middle of fucking her brains out. I was getting used to groaning her name instead of saying it like this.
"Good luck, Penny," Tyler said.
Fucking Tyler. Friendship rose my ass.
"Thanks," she said.
I watched her make her way to the front of the room. Her jeans hugged her ass perfectly. And she didn’t even trip on anything, which was a relief. If any students laughed at her again, I was pretty sure I’d lose it. Especially today when she already seemed upset about…something. No, not just something. She was definitely upset with me.
She gripped the sides of the podium. And just stood there. She just stood there awkwardly staring down at her notes.
Say something. Tell me what’s wrong. Say anything, Penny.