***
Penny wouldn’t answer my phone calls. So I sent her an email instead. She’d have to open it because I sent it from my work email. She’d think it was for class. It was the only way I could figure out how to communicate with her. I’d delete any trace of the email later. But being caught dating a student wasn’t my greatest fear right now. Losing her was.
Subject: Our discussion isn't over
Penny,
I wish you wouldn't always feel so compelled to argue with me. I told you that I have done some things in my past that I regret. I am not withholding information from you to be spiteful. I'm doing it to protect you. If you will allow me to come talk to you, I can explain.
-James
I read it over once more and pressed send. And then waited. I went for a run in the apartment’s gym so I wouldn’t accidentally run into any students. And I waited. I graded some papers. And I waited. I spent another sleepless night in my office. And another.
I knew it was over. But I couldn’t accept that. The more time we spent apart, the more I wanted her. I was craving her. I needed one more fix. Just one more fix.
Chapter 34
Friday
I walked into my classroom. If Penny hadn’t thought I was a mess on Wednesday, she’d certainly think it today. I’d bothered to put in my contacts this time, but there were dark circles under my eyes. I was exhausted. I hadn’t shaved in days. And I had barely bothered to knot my tie. I was a disheveled mess. I was in pain. And I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to stand here and give a lecture when I just wanted to melt into my chair. Or fucking scream at someone. I really wanted to scream. Which was bad for poor Ray.
Penny didn’t make eye contact with me today. She was acting like I meant nothing. And the thought that it was possible that I had been reduced to so little in her eyes was starting to settle. I’d lost her. And I didn’t know how to accept that. It was like I was starving. I hadn’t known how much I was starving until I met her. And she was all I wanted.
I picked up a piece of chalk and was about to turn to the board when I saw her move in the back row. I watched her grab her things and push out the back door of the classroom. She couldn’t even look at me. She couldn’t even listen to my voice. Whatever she’d found out repulsed her. Which made sense. The chalk snapped in my hand.
***
Another restless night. I knew I had to give her up. I knew it. But I couldn’t. I splashed water on my face.
I’d watched video footage of Tyler going in and out of her dorm after class yesterday. I knew I was supposed to remove the cameras. But what did Dr. Clark know? If I didn’t have the cameras, how was I supposed to know she was safe? How was I supposed to know she was okay while I was fucking falling apart?
I splashed more water on my face. I needed to get a grip. It was one thing to sleep with a student. It was another thing to stalk her. I needed to remember that I just liked to fuck her. Nothing more. That’s all it ever was.
No. I dried off my face with a towel. Now I was just lying to myself. I’d made love to her in my bed. The sheets still smelled of her, and I kept telling Ellen not to wash them. It was like I no longer knew how to function without Penny beside me. I kept replaying moments with her over and over again in my head. As if the memory of her would somehow steady me. Keep me going. But the problem was that she wasn’t just stuck in my head. My body physically ached for her too. Like there was a knife twisting in my chest.
I stared at my reflection in the bathroom mirror. It didn’t matter that I’d been trying to be a better man. Because I was still me. Everyone knew my past. It was the price I paid for being in the spotlight for so long. There was no hiding from it. Penny was bound to find out what kind of man I was eventually. For just a moment though…I’d had it all. I threw the towel down on the vanity and walked out to my bedroom.
My phone buzzed in my pocket. I pulled it out expecting a text from Rob saying he was back in the states. But it wasn’t a text. It was an email. From Penny. My eyes scanned the message.
Subject: Trying to Protect Me?
Professor Hunter,
I thought that I was naive, but I believe that description fits you better. I don't think that I'm the woman in your life that you should be protecting.
-Penny
What the fuck was she talking about? I typed out a reply.
Subject: You're the Only Woman in My Life
Penny,
I'm not sure what you think you know about me. But I can tell you that I'm falling for you. There is no woman in my life that is more important to me. It's you. I'm coming over now.
-James
She’d finally written to me. She’d just given me a way back in. And I wasn’t going to hesitate for another second. I grabbed a jacket out of my closet. I’d wait outside her dorm all night if I had to. She was going to fucking talk to me. Clearly this was some crazy misunderstanding. My phone buzzed again.
Subject: Don't You Dare
Professor Hunter,
Don't waste your time. Even if you come here, I'm not coming out to talk to you.
-Penny
For some reason I was smiling. I wasn’t sure if it was because it was the first she’d spoken to me in days. Or because she was being impossible yet cute. I quickly replied as I went to the elevator.
Subject: I Do Dare
Penny,
Stop being so stubborn. I'm leaving now. I'll see you in ten minutes.
-James
I made it to her dorm in record time. I put my car in park. It was dark, no one would be able to see us. Besides, it was a chilly night and most of the students were either out partying or snuggled up in their dorms.
But none of that mattered if she refused to come out. I stared at the door. Just talk to me. I needed to know what she knew. I’d done a lot of stupid shit when I was younger. More when I was older. But I was trying here. I was teaching for a reason. I was in Delaware for a reason.
Maybe I can sneak in. How hard could it really be? I just needed to wait for someone to walk out.
I was just about to climb out of the car when the back door opened. And there she was. I breathed a sigh of relief. She folded her arms across her chest as she walked down the steps. When she reached the car, I opened the passenger's side door from the inside.
"Get in the car,” I said.
"But I don't want to go anywhere.”
For fuck’s sake. "I'm not taking you anywhere. I just want to be able to talk to you in private."
She glanced behind her. "There's no one around."
"Penny, get in the car."
She sighed and sat down in the passenger's seat. I breathed in the smell of her cherry perfume. The same smell that had been lingering on my sheets, haunting me. Her just being here instantly calmed me down. That ache in my chest eased.
I drove my car to the small parking lot by her dorm, pulled into one of the last spots, and cut the ignition. She was here, but for some reason I couldn’t look at her. I didn’t know what to say, so I just stared out the windshield like an idiot. I had one chance to fix this and I had no idea how. My hands were gripping the wheel so tightly that my knuckles were turning white.