"Okay."
She didn’t say anything at all.
"What's wrong, Penny?" I squeezed her hand. Whatever it was…I could fix it. I knew I could fix it.
"I don't want there to be any more secrets between us," she said.
I gazed into her eyes. It didn’t feel like she was about to tell me a secret. It felt like she was about to leave. I remembered how much it had killed me when Rachel disappeared. It would be a thousand times worse with Penny. And I’d actually have to watch her walk out of my life. I’d gotten a small taste of that the other day when she’d been angry with me. I didn’t want to do that again. My days and nights had been hell. That’s why we were here right now. With me practically asking her to move in with me. Because I knew I needed her. I knew what life was like without her.
She straddled me and put her hands on the sides of my face. I let my hands fall to the small of her back. All I wanted to do was pull her closer. Stop pushing me away.
"You're so handsome. I still don't know what you see in me." A tear rolled down her cheek.
"I see everything that I've always wanted." I kissed her cheek where the tear had fallen, like I could make it disappear.
"I need to tell you something. And you have to promise that you won't get mad."
"Just tell me." I kissed her other cheek where she’d shed another tear. Tonight had felt like a new beginning to me. But now it suddenly felt like the end.
She leaned in and kissed me. And I found myself trying to savor it. I wanted to remember what it felt like for her to want me. Because she was definitely leaving. How many times had she already tried to push me away? Please don’t go. But a piece of me knew it was inevitable. Because had I really changed? Was it even possible that I could be a good fit for her? No. She was too perfect. Too good. She had so much life left to live.
I moved my hand to the back of her neck and pulled her into me. Everything seemed so simple when we kissed. It was just right. It was perfect.
She moved her head back, breaking the kiss. If I wanted, I was pretty sure I could have her again right now. I could postpone whatever she was about to say. But what was the point? I always knew this day would come. It was like my whole body was slowly turning numb, preparing for the pain. I was used to the pain.
She placed one last swift kiss against my lips. “You have to promise," she said again.
"Okay. I promise that I won't get mad."
"My birthday is on October 15th."
"That's good to know. I'll make sure to clear my schedule." It was already on my calendar.
"No, that's not what's bothering me." She grabbed my hands from her back, moved them to my lap, and held them firmly. "I lied to you."
I could feel my eyebrows draw together. My first thought was Tyler. It was the only thing she’d lied to me about. Had it been more? I let that thought settle for a moment. If she left me for him, it would kill me. But maybe...maybe she deserved someone her own age that could treat her well. I wasn’t a good man. I stared into her eyes. I was a monster. Breathe.
"I've been lying to you ever since you walked me home from that party. I didn't mean to. At first I just didn't want to get in trouble. But now it's so much more. I don't want to hurt you. I don't want this to be over."
"Penny, I told you that I'm not going anywhere. Just tell me." I squeezed her hands. Stay. Please just stay. I’ll be better. I’ll be better for you.
She took a deep breath. "I'm not a senior."
What? Of course she was. What was she talking about?
"I'm a sophomore. But my birthday is October 15th. I'll be 20 in just a couple weeks."
It felt like she slapped me. "You're only 19?" I didn’t realize I’d said it out loud. She was a teenager? I’m fucking a teenager? Jesus Christ! I pulled my hands out of hers.
"I'm practically 20."
I ran both my hands through my hair. "Oh God, I've been serving you alcohol. I could have been arrested."
"I know, I'm sorry."
"You're only 19?" I felt like I was choking. I wanted to reach out to her, but I couldn’t. Instead I ran my hands down the scruff on my face. "Penny." My voice sounded broken.
"I know that I should have told you."
"You made me feel awful for not telling you about Isabella. And the whole time you were lying to me?" I’d finally trusted someone and she was fucking 19? I was a monster. I was a pervert. I was fucking disgusting.
"I know, I'm so sorry."
"I told you how hard it is for me to trust people. This is why. Because no one is trustworthy. I thought you were different." I thought you were older. I’d loved how innocent she was. But she was innocent because she was a child. I’m a sick fuck.
"Professor Hunter, please. That's my only secret. You know everything about me now. You can trust me. It's still me. It's just two years difference. Two years is nothing."
"It's not the age. It's that you lied to me." I didn’t know if that was true. It was both. I could barely look at her. I’m disgusting.
"If I had told you that first night, you could have reported me to the dean. I would have been kicked out of school."
"I never would have done that."
"But it's your job."
"I don't care about my job! I care about you. I had a crush on you. It took every ounce of control I had to not lift up that short, sparkly skirt you were wearing and have my way with you right there in the middle of campus."
"I didn't know that. All I knew was that I was drinking underage and I had a crush on my professor. I was so out of my comfort zone. I didn't know what to do."
"Well you should have told me."
"I know, and I'm sorry."
She reached for my face, but I pushed her hand away. I couldn’t let her touch me. She was a teenager for fuck’s sake. "I thought you were different. I let myself fall for you, even though I knew better." I was putting the blame on her, but it was on me. It would always be on me.
"I've fallen for you too."
I ran my hand through my hair. "The things I've done to you. If I had known you were a teenager, I wouldn't have..."
"Don't say that. Don't take away what we have. I love you." She was choking on her words. "Professor Hunter, I love you. I love you so much."
I thought I wanted to hear those words. I thought I felt it too. But what the hell did I know? I was a fucking mess. "Penny, you don't know what love is." She was too young. It slowly registered that a 19-year-old was straddling me. I pushed her off my lap. There was a certain kind of place in hell for men like me. Jesus, Ian had tried to warn me. Melissa had even tried to warn me. What the fuck was wrong with me? I’d never bothered to ask. I’d just trusted her. Blindly.
"You promised you wouldn't get mad,” she said.
"Damn it, Penny! You made me believe that this was real. I let myself dream about a future with you. We only had to wait two semesters. I wanted to be with you. But six? Six semesters?"
Tears started to stream down her cheeks. "Stop using the past tense."