“So what? My husband was ten years older than me. And you didn’t see me making a fuss.”
I’m not making a fuss. “That’s not all.”
“Then tell me why. Why isn’t it as simple as her forgiving you or you forgiving her?”
“Because I’m a monster! And she deserves better than me.”
Ellen’s face fell. “You are not a monster, James. You are one of the kindest, most generous people I’ve ever met.”
“You only think that because I pay you a small fortune not to leave me.”
She sat down next to me on the floor. “That’s not why. You’ve donated so much of your money to good causes. You gave up your lifestyle in New York to come teach and give back here. And you gave Ian a job when no one else would.”
“Well that’s just because he’s the best at what he does.”
“No. That’s not the reason and you know it. He had PTSD and you were patient with him as he healed. No one else would give him that kindness or that chance.”
“I’m sure someone else would have.”
“Maybe one day. But you did right away. You are not a monster.” She put her hand on my knee. “But you’re not a very nice boy when you’ve been drinking.”
I laughed and she smiled.
I slowly shook my head. “But it doesn’t matter. Penny is still better off without me.”
“That couldn’t possibly be true.”
“For once in my life, I’m trying to do the right thing, Ellen.”
“Right for who? Certainly not for you. You’re a mess. And if Penny feels the same way about you too…I bet she’s just as miserable.
I pictured the dark circles under Penny’s eyes. She looked like she was in pain too.
Ellen patted the side of my face. “And if you don’t figure it out soon, I’m leaving. I told you once and I’ll tell you again…I’m not doing this with you again.” She slowly got up off the floor.
I knew I’d just bitched about needing new staff and hating that she pretended to be my mother. But in truth, I loved Ellen. And I liked that she acted like an actual mother to me. I couldn’t lose her.
“And drink some water.” She tossed a water bottle at me.
I went to catch it, but my reflexes were delayed, and it hit my chest.
Ellen walked away.
But her words echoed in my head. And if Penny feels the same way about you too…I bet she’s just as miserable. I was trying to do the right thing. I really was. But what if by trying to do the right thing I was actually doing the exact opposite?
Our relationship had crumbled in part because I thought we were doomed from the beginning. But what if we weren’t? If she really did want to be with me…if she was choosing me…that only left the other issues. I’d gotten mad at her about being 19, but I could get over that. Like she said, she’d be 20 soon enough. And as much as I told myself that I was disgusting, there wasn’t a single disgusting thing that had happened between us. We fit. Perfectly. And a few years age difference didn’t change anything. Ellen was right…I was just making a fuss.
But that went back to my lie of omission. Penny was furious about the fact that I hadn’t told her I was still married to Isabella. And no, Penny couldn’t change her age. But I could change this. I could fix it. And maybe once I did, I wouldn’t feel like such a monster. I could do this one thing…and maybe…just maybe…feel a little more worthy of her.
I pushed myself up off the floor and went back to my office. I rummaged through the grades I was handing out in class tomorrow, until I found Penny’s. I’d written it right after she’d stormed out of my classroom. I’d begged her for a chance to explain. But we’d already worked all that out.
I pulled out a pen. Ellen was right. I didn’t care that she was 19. I was caught up in the fact that she was a student for a few more years. But I could wait. I’d waited this long to be happy. What were a few more years? I felt like I’d been trying to convince myself we were wrong. But Ellen was right…we weren’t.
What was wrong was that she’d lied and I’d lied. And now I could fix it. I scrawled at the bottom of her grade:
P.S. Now I know how it feels. I just need some time.
I was done running away from a good thing. I’d fix this. I set the pen down and pulled out my phone. There was nothing I wanted to do less than talk to Isabella. But if it meant I’d be more worthy of Penny? It was worth talking to the devil. I clicked on Isabella’s number and pulled my cellphone to my ear.
Chapter 44
Friday
My phone started buzzing and I immediately grabbed it off the nightstand. Penny had tried texting and calling a few times. Emailing too. I loved receiving her messages, but I never responded. I wasn’t going to approach her again until I could tell her I was officially divorced. I wanted her to know that I wasn’t going to lie to her anymore. That would be a new beginning for us. A fresh start.
But my fresh start was taking forever because Isabella wouldn’t return any of my fucking calls. Why did she always show up when she was unwanted and disappear when I actually needed to see her? She just liked torturing me.
But it wasn’t a message from Penny. Or Isabella calling me back. It was Rob calling.
“Hello?” I said.
“You sound like shit,” Rob said.
“Thanks, you too.”
Rob laughed.
I wasn’t drunk anymore. I’d taken to working out so much that I couldn’t move. And yet…I still wasn’t numb. Nothing worked. Nothing helped. I couldn’t get her out of my system. But knowing that I didn’t really need to anymore…knowing I’d be able to have her again soon? That helped. I just needed a bit more time to sort my shit out. It didn’t make every day hurt any less though.
I was lying in my bed in the middle of the day now because her scent on my sheets was still lingering. It was the closest I could be to her. And the perfect place to jerk off to the images of her in my head. Well, here and in the shower. I loved that image of her naked in the shower. On her knees with my cum dripping down her chin. It was a vision. I got hard every time I smelled her perfume, stepped in the shower, went to class. Even when it rained I got fucking hard. I’d even gotten hard when my phone buzzed. That’s what thinking about Penny did to me. I needed her again. Desperately. Soon. I took a deep breath.
“Did you hear what I said?” Rob asked.
I hadn’t. “Yeah, great.”
There was a long pause.
“So you’re fine if I come stay with you in a bit?”
Was that what he’d asked? “Sure.” Honestly, it might be nice to have him here. He was always good at distracting me. And I needed all the distractions I could get. Because if Isabella didn’t call me back soon, I’d go crawling back to Penny before I deserved her. And I didn’t want to do that. I wanted her to know how serious I was about us.
“Don’t sound so enthusiastic about it.”
I laughed, and it sounded strange in my throat. “When are you coming?”
“Eh. Sometime soon.”
How…specific. Whatever. I didn’t have any plans. “Great. See you then.”