“James…”
“You should have stopped me. You should have and you didn’t. And now I’m worse off than I was before.” I have nothing. That feeling of emptiness was creeping back into my chest, suffocating me. I didn’t realize I’d thrown the bottle of scotch at the wall until I heard the glass breaking. I watched the liquid run down the wall.
“James, are you drinking? You’re better than this. You’re stronger than this.”
No, I wasn’t. I hung up and leaned back in my chair, almost tipping the whole thing over. I wanted another drink. Not that it would help. It wasn’t what I needed. I knew the difference between want and need better than anyone.
Chapter 43
Sunday
Drinking her away wasn’t working. Because I knew what I wanted. Her. But I couldn’t have her. She needed to move on. That’s what was best for her. For both of us. I didn’t want that to be true. I wanted to be strong enough to let her go. But I doubted that I was. Despite Dr. Clark calling a few more times, I’d skipped my therapy session this afternoon because now I was certain I knew the truth.
I ran faster through the falling rain. But exercise didn’t help either. Nothing helped. I slowed down as I ran past Penny’s dorm building. I knew I was being stalkery. And I didn’t really care. Come out. I wasn’t sure exactly what I was hoping would happen if I saw her. Maybe I could run into her again and we could just start over. Stop.
I picked up my pace. I ran mile after mile after mile, trying to make my chest stop hurting. It was like I was running around campus hoping to see her, but she was never there. I stopped outside the coffee shop where we first met, my legs practically giving out. I could so easily picture her inside. Bumping into me and falling into my arms. I’d gotten fucking stars in my eyes. I’d ignored the fact that she’d had a backpack. I’d ignored the fact that she was in my class. I’d ignored every warning. Because I couldn’t stay away. I was weak.
I backed away from the coffee shop and started running again. Faster. A weekend of binge-drinking didn’t help the burn in my side or the one in my chest. I needed water. I needed to stop. But I couldn’t. Because if I stopped, I’d drink again. And I couldn’t keep drinking. I could barely even see straight. And nothing numbed the pain.
I picked up my pace.
But even when I ran, I thought about her. What was she doing right now? Was she drinking away the pain? I doubted it. She wasn’t weak like me. Maybe she was curled up in her uncomfortable bed watching a silly TV show. Missing me. Crying. Wishing desperately we could start over too. Something in my chest tightened. I wanted to wipe away her tears. I wanted to be the one to comfort her. To make her smile. To fuck away her sadness. Monster.
I had to distance myself from her. I had to give her a chance to be happy. Without me. Because I could never be that person for her. I’d make her miserable. I’d ruin her life. I’d ruin her future. Just like I always ruined everything I touched. God, I desperately wanted to touch her again. Stop.
I pushed the hood on my jacket back and let the rain fall on me. I forced myself to keep running, trying to rid the image of her beneath me from my mind. Trying to focus on anything but the way she made me feel. The rain started falling faster. And I wished I could just drown in it.
***
I was watching the video feed of Penny’s dorm building again. I couldn’t control myself. I’d found myself watching it for hours at a time, even though she never seemed to leave. There was no question about it…I was definitely stalking her now. Why was I doing this to myself? I couldn’t have her. I couldn’t. My mind was a terrifying place when I was craving something I couldn’t have.
I was just about to ex out of it when I saw her emerge from the building. I held my breath as she made her way down the steps.
It looked like she’d been crying. She looked…frail. I zoomed in to see her face more clearly. There were dark circles under her eyes like her sleeping habits had become as bad as mine. And yet…she was still perfect. Her age didn’t change that. It didn’t change the way I felt about her. And she needed me. Clearly she needed me as desperately as I needed her.
Stop. She didn’t need me. She needed anyone but me.
I exed out of the video feed and stared at the opened bottle of scotch. Why didn’t anything help numb the pain? I always fucking did this. To most people, the high wasn’t worth the pain. But to me? It was worth it. My whole life was pain. So a little escape every now and then was most definitely worth it. I grabbed the bottle of scotch and took a sip. Just a little more had to help. Something had to help.
Maybe that was what I needed. Just one more taste of Penny. Just this once. I’d tried that before and it hadn’t exactly worked. It just made me crave her even more. But maybe it would work this time…
I’d lost it. My stomach was empty except for the booze. And I wasn’t thinking clearly. I could not go back to Penny. No matter how badly I wanted to. I couldn’t give in to the temptation this time. I downed more scotch.
There was a knock on my door.
“Go away,” I mumbled.
The door opened.
I really needed to hire staff that respected me a little bit more. I glared at Ellen as she walked in.
“We need to talk,” she said.
“I’m good.”
She scoffed. “No. No you are not.” She grabbed the bottle of scotch out of my hand. “You are not good.”
I stared at the bottle. Couldn’t she see that I needed it?
“Look at me,” she said.
I continued to stare at the bottle.
She grabbed my chin and forced my gaze to meet hers. “I will not do this with you again. Do you understand me?”
I hated when she pretended to act like my mother. The joke was on her, because my mother didn’t give a shit about me. “Whatever you say, Ellen.”
“James. I’m throwing this out.” She held the bottle out of my reach.
“What? No.” I reached for it and nearly fell out of my chair.
She started to walk away.
What the fuck was her problem? I slowly followed her, wishing my legs didn’t hurt so damn much from my run. And certainly if I could see in a straight line this would have been easier. By the time I reached the kitchen she was already pouring the scotch down the drain.
The whole counter was filled with empty bottles of liquor. Apparently she’d poured it all down the drain.
“Well, that’s just a waste,” I mumbled.
She turned around with her hand on her hip. “Enough of this. Sober up and then go ask Penny to forgive you for whatever you did to screw this up.”
Why did she assume that I was the one that fucked everything up? “I can’t.”
“Of course you can. You can start with the words ‘I’m sorry’ and go from there. You’re used to giving speeches. Figure it out.”
“I’m not going back to her.”
“Why?”
“Because she lied to me!”
Ellen just stared at me. “Then forgive her.”
“It’s not that simple. She’s 19, Ellen.” My legs were so tired that they gave out. I slumped down onto the kitchen floor.