"What do you expect, Penny? You waited a whole month to tell me. Why didn't you just tell me when we first started dating?"
"That's exactly why. Because we had only just started dating. And I'm obsessed with you. I knew you'd be mad. I knew that you'd leave me. I wanted to have you as long as possible."
Obsessed with me? She had no idea what obsession was. I lived and breathed that pain, not her. But her words made me feel sick. Because I was the one that was obsessed with her. And that feeling of losing control terrified me. I wasn’t the kind of man she wanted me to be. I was weak. "That's not an excuse. If you had believed what we had was real, telling me your age wouldn't have mattered."
"So what we have isn't real then?"
I felt like I was suffocating. I stood up and rubbed my hands across my face again. "What finally gave you the nerve to tell me the truth?"
"Because it was the only thing holding me back from happiness."
"That's a selfish reason." She was a child. Nineteen. Fuck!
"I know. But I never meant to hurt you."
I stared at her. I could see it now. All the times she’d just run away instead of talking to me. Even the way she looked up at me with her big blue eyes. I liked her innocence. But I didn’t like her that innocent. "Well you did."
"I'm so sorry."
You will be. I could feel myself growing hard. Damn it, what the hell is wrong with me? I couldn’t be in the same room as her. I was a fucking pervert and I couldn’t control myself. I went to my closet and pulled on a shirt. "I'm going out." I needed air. I couldn’t breathe. And I didn’t trust myself around her.
"Where? Professor Hunter, it's late. Please stay. We can try to work this out. Don't walk away from what we have."
"I'll be at a bar so that you can't follow me. Or do you have a fake I.D. too?"
"No, I don't."
Breathe. Fucking breathe! "Good." I walked out of my bedroom and over to the elevators. I slammed the button with my fist.
She came running out. "Please don't go."
I stepped onto the elevator. "I believe that you know how to let yourself out." The doors slid shut and she was gone. I pressed my hand against the cold metal. And I broke down. I cried. Because I was a fucking idiot. I thought I could have something good. A fresh start. And all I got was a reminder that I was a monster. Penny deserved more than I could ever give her. Every part of me wanted to turn around, get down on my knees, and beg her to stay. But this moment was inevitable. The end of us. This was her chance to move on. To actually be happy. How could anyone be happy with me when it felt like I was drowning every day?
I needed a drink. And not just a few measured sips. I needed a whole damn bottle. Because what was the fucking point? I’d already slipped. I needed to get the hell out of this apartment before I fell apart. Before I caved in and crawled back to her like the pathetic piece of shit I was. For once in my life, I needed to try to be selfless. Walking away was what was best for her in the long run.
As I walked out into the rain, I remembered how fucking pissed off at the world I’d been when I was 19. Because that was when Rachel left me. That year had been the worst of my life.
I had no idea what love was when I was 19. Now I’d given my heart to a teenager. And I’d gotten what I deserved. Because men like me didn’t deserve happiness. I was a monster. A streetlight flickered and dimmed above me. I blinked up at it in the rain. I was meant to live in the darkness.
Chapter 42
Friday
I’d tried my best to drink her away. Or rather, I was still trying. But nothing tasted as sweet as her. I lifted the bottle of scotch to my lips again as I sent off the email to cancel class.
It was 7 in the morning and I was shit-faced. Classic. It was like I was reliving my college years.
A month ago, I thought I had complete control over my life. And then Penny slammed into me and turned my world upside down. I was slipping. I could feel myself slipping. Hell, who was I kidding? I’d slipped as soon as Penny and I went from an if to a when. We never should have even been an if. I was a fucking mess. I’d never had control of anything.
There was a knock on my office door.
“Go away.” I snapped. Ellen had been bugging the crap out of me. She was worried that I hadn’t left my office all of yesterday. But the rest of my apartment smelled like Penny. This was the only place that didn’t reek of her delicious perfume.
Another knock and then the door opened. Ian was standing there with a scowl on his face.
It was tempting to throw the bottle at him, but I had a feeling he’d throw it back. And my reflexes weren’t exactly great right now. “What do you want?”
“Ellen made an appointment for you with Dr. Clark this morning.”
“I’m not going to see him.” I saw him on Sundays. Not Fridays. Besides, I had things to do. I turned back to my computer and watched the video feed of Penny’s dorm building. I just needed one glimpse of her. Just one.
“Great. I’ll have him call you then.”
Before I could protest, Ian closed the door. I didn’t need therapy. I just needed more to drink. I took another sip of scotch, feeling dizzier than before. I was just tired. So fucking tired.
I wasn’t sure how long I’d been staring at my computer screen before my phone rang. Dr. Clark’s name flashed across my screen. Better to get this over with now. It took me a second to remember how to answer it. “Dr. Clark.” I ignored the way my words were slurred.
“James. I was hoping we could talk. How about I come over in about an hour?”
Now he was making house calls? And how much was he going to charge for that shit? He just wanted more money. He didn’t care about me. “No need. We can do this now.”
“Do what?”
There was a movement on my screen. I stared at the person exiting Penny’s building. Some girl that wasn’t her. Fuck.
“James, are you there?” Dr. Clark asked.
“Mhm.” And just then Penny appeared on the screen. I reached out and touched her. She looked sad. And small. Young. I pulled my hand away and watched her disappear off my screen. A small piece of me hoped that Tyler would be with her. That she’d moved on. I wanted what was best for her. And that wasn’t me. And yet…she was alone. She was always alone. And my resolve was slowly breaking. I was slowly breaking. I tried to take a deep breath, but it felt like the air didn’t reach my lungs. “You were wrong. About all of it.”
“About what exactly?”
I looked down at the bottle of scotch on my desk. It was supposed to numb my pain. But it did nothing. Nothing. I could barely see straight and still all I could feel was this all-consuming need. A need I was all too familiar with. And I couldn’t satisfy it with alcohol. Or anything else that wasn’t her. I had nothing left to say to Dr. Clark. I was about to hang up when he started speaking again.
“I thoroughly believe that we’ve made a lot of progress.”
“We? There’s no we. I’m in this alone. That’s the whole point.” I’ll always be alone.
“That’s not…”
“Don’t give me a lecture about how you care, Dr. Clark. You care about a paycheck, just like everyone else in my life. You can cancel the rest of my appointments on your calendar. I won’t be returning.”