“It’s mine too.”
“I didn’t know you even knew who I was back then.”
“Of course I knew. I was going to ask you to be my lab partner, but your best friend beat me to it.”
“Oh.”
“Oh? Is that all you can say?”
“Depends. Are you going to say something mean about Jax?” I blurted, unable to hold back.
He cocked an eyebrow. “So you’ve noticed that I don’t care for him?”
“I mean, anytime I say I’m with him, your tone immediately turns sour.” I shrugged. “Do you not like him?”
“I’ll answer that question after you tell me what he thinks about us hanging out.”
I swallowed hard.
“I think you have your own answer built in your question, Kins.”
“We’re best friends.”
“So I’ve heard.”
“He’s just trying to protect me. You don’t have the best reputation, Christian.”
“Jax needs to mind his own fucking business before I do it for him.”
“Whoa.” I raised my hands. “Where did that come from?” I lowered my eyebrows, confused by the turn of events. Instinctively, I peered down at the makeshift picnic he had made for us…
For me.
“I don’t want to fight. Especially after you planned this beautiful picnic. I still don’t know if we’re going to get arrested, but you know, it’s the thought that counts.”
He laughed, throwing his head back, and I took the opportunity to ease his mind.
“You have nothing to worry about when it comes to Jax. I promise. But if you wanted to get to know me back in sixth grade, why wait till now?”
“You’re always with Jax.”
“So?”
“I don’t like to share.”
“Then why now?”
“Honestly… I don’t fucking know. I saw you at the bonfire party, and you looked upset walking into the woods by yourself. I followed you before I even realized what I was doing. It’s the effect you have on me. I lose all sense of control when it comes to you.”
I smiled, and my chest seized. He’d often express the sweetest things. Still, I couldn’t just open my mouth and be sincere with him, tell him what I felt, because every last insecurity that was buried deep within my bones would consume me, bordering on the point of pain.
The truth was I was falling for him. I was only sixteen but felt much older. Mature beyond my years. It had always been that way for me, having to grow up fast and mostly alone. You don’t realize how much of your childhood affects the person you become, the person you are. How memories shape your life, your feelings, and most importantly your love.
“Do you mean that?” I asked, my heart beating fast.
“Here’s another thing you need to know about me, Kinley. I don’t say anything I don’t mean. Since we started hanging out, I find myself doing all sorts of shit I’ve never done before, and I don’t want it to end.”
“You don’t?”
“Do you?”
I shook my head.
“Words, sweetness. I need to hear you say it.”
I took a deep breath, admitting, “I like being with you too, Christian. Although I can’t say I noticed you in science class in sixth grade. I was a mess back then. I didn’t notice a lot of things. It’s why Jax is my best friend. He’s the first person to ever want to get to know me, and I learned a lot about myself through our friendship.”
“What’s that?”
“I have a hard time letting people in, and when push comes to shove, I do the pushing and shoving. I guess it’s how I survived my mother. You know?”
“I know.” He was weighing his words. I could tell by the expression on his face.
“Just ask me, Christian.”
“Alright. Well, what about me? You want to push me away too?”
“Yes … no… I don’t know. I don’t want to get hurt, and I know you definitely break hearts, but at the same time, I like being around you. These last two months have been fun, and I like you. A lot.”
He smiled wide. “I like you a lot too.”
Hearing him say those six words meant everything to me. I could feel my guard coming down more and more with him, and for someone who had suffered so much abuse as I had, it was a hard pill to swallow.
“How about I promise you I won’t hurt you. If you promise me that you and Jax won’t have sleepovers anymore. Deal?”
“You’ve heard about that?”
“Amongst other things.”
“I can assure you that most are made-up lies. We’ve never kissed, we’ve never even held hands. Sure, we’ve had sleepovers, but he stays on his side of the bed, and I do the same. We don’t cuddle, if that’s what you’re imagining. It’s not like that between us. I don’t feel for Jax what I feel for you when we’re together. The love I have for him is just brotherly.”
My heart dropped when he jerked back, and the expression on his face quickly turned somber, then he bit out…
“You love him?”
Chapter 8
Christian
I eyed her skeptically.
“You know there’s a difference between loving someone and being in love with them, right? I love Jax, but I’m not in love with him, Christian.”
It’d been three months since Kinley turned my world upside down and two months since we’d started hanging out.
I held her hand.
I kissed her lips.
I listened to everything that came out of her mouth as if she was telling me the world’s biggest secrets.
I hadn’t tried to cop a feel or get in her panties. I didn’t so much as try to get her to make out with me. Being around her was enough. It was all I wanted. To be with someone, to really be with them on a level other than physical, was something I’d never experienced before. Something I never had, and I didn’t want it.
The bullshit.
The emotions.
The ups and downs.
Yet there I was, officially pussy-whipped with absolutely no pussy and sporting the worst case of blue balls known to fucking man. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d fucked my fist as much as I had in the last three months. Especially in the last two.
After our first talk in the woods, I’d hung out with a couple of girls, trying to forget about Kinley to no avail. I couldn’t stop thinking about her, and anytime a girl attempted to kiss me, I instantly turned my face. Feeling like I was cheating on Kinley which didn’t make any sense.
At that point, we’d had one conversation, but it felt like the deepest connection I’d ever had with anyone in all my life. I didn’t understand any of it. The need to be around this girl was throwing me off-kilter. I thought about her constantly—the next time I would see her, talk to her, hold her…
The list was endless.
Our connection was easy, we didn’t have to work at it. It wasn’t a burden or a struggle to be with her like it sometimes was with other chicks. I used to get bored the minute the sex stopped, moving on to the next.
Not with Kinley, though. I wanted more. Our dynamic flowed seamlessly, our conversations, our chemistry, our friendship. Another thing that was new to me was being friends with a girl I was hanging out with. I never cared to get to know them. They were a means to an end.