“Look at me!”
My eyes snap back to the face in front of me. A vulture.
“Jesus!” I dart off the bed and come to a standstill in the middle of my bedroom, my hand already on my thundering heart. The remnants of the dream shudder through me, and I rush from the room in an attempt to outrun it.
Going to the living room window, like I’ve been doing most nights when I wake from a nightmare, I carefully nudge the curtains to the side and glance across the road.
He’s here.
Since I last saw O’Brien and he ignored me, I’ve caught him parked across the road multiple times.
It gives me hope.
It’s keeping me sane.
It’s comforting.
I now know he just needs time, and he’ll hopefully reach out to me when he’s ready.
The winter cold creeps around my feet and up my ankles, but I don’t care. I keep still, my eyes glued to the dark SUV. I get more rest this way because everything in me stills. The nightmares stop.
I find peace in the dead of night just staring at the vehicle.
My love for O’Brien overpowers everything. The haunting memories, the repulsion of the rape, the trauma.
“I’m here when you’re ready to talk,” I whisper, my breath misting up the window for a moment. The light in the SUV goes on, and my eyes greedily drink in the sight of O’Brien as he starts the car. Pressing my hand to the window, my fingers splay over the glass. “I miss you.”
His eyes stay on me for precious seconds before he pulls away, and the light goes out, plunging him back into darkness.
Sitting at my desk, I can’t focus on anything.
I let out a miserable sigh as I go through the list of known contacts for Joseph Dobroshi, who’s upped and disappeared. His last known whereabouts was the hospital, but before he could be apprehended, he vanished, along with his family.
“Nothing?” Rossi asks.
Shaking my head, I mutter, “It’s as if he stopped existing the second the bust went down.”
“We’ll find him,” she says, “I’ve let Interpol know, so even if he left the country, we’ll find him.”
“Have you heard anything about the court date?” I ask, slumping back in my chair. I have zero energy, but somehow I still manage to drag myself to work every day because I know O’Brien’s in the same building, and even though I don’t see him, just knowing he’s nearby helps ease the hell I’m stuck in.
“JJ,” Chief barks from upstairs. My eyes dart up. “My office. Now.”
“Good luck,” Rossi whispers as I get up from the chair.
Since the bust went down, Chief Archer’s been in a mood. I know it’s because he’s worried for O’Brien. I take the stairs up, and walking into his office, he mutters, “Shut the door.”
After carrying out the order, I sit down across from him, the desk with papers scattered all over it between us. Chief Archer rubs tiredly over his face before he looks at me. “How are you holding up?”
I shrug. “Just frustrated that we can’t find Dobroshi.”
His eyes lock on mine. “I’m not talking about the case.”
I inhale deeply. “I’m okay.”
He shakes his head, frustration rippling over his face. “I wish you and O’Brien would talk. This is going too far.”
I shrug again. “It’s not up to me.”
Chief Archer’s eyes lower to the desk, and for a long moment, he stares at the papers, then he pulls a blank piece closer and writes something on it. Shoving the paper toward me, I notice it’s an address. “It is up to you, JJ. Only you can get through to him.”
My eyes widen as I quickly grab the piece of paper before the chief can change his mind. “Is this O’Brien’s address?” I read over the information again, memorizing it as quickly as possible.
“Yes.” He lets out another tired sigh. “I wish I could solve this for the both of you, but you need to sit down and talk about what happened. ASAP.”
“Yes, Chief.”
He gestures at the door, and feeling a little more hopeful, I leave his office.
If the chief thinks we have to talk, does it mean O’Brien will be more open to a conversation? They’re close, and the chief knows him best.
Determination floods my veins, and instead of returning to my desk, I leave the office and make my way to the BAU.
Maybe I’ll be lucky, and he’ll talk to me now. If not, I’ll just go over to his place tonight.
If there’s anything I can do to get O’Brien back, I’ll do it. I just need to break this silence between us.
O’Brien
Once again, I try to play out how a conversation between JJ and me would go down, and like always, it ends in disaster.
I won’t be able to look her in the eye. She’ll rightly accuse me of my sins, and it will push me over the edge.
Standing by a railing of the BAU’s smoking area, I take a long pull of the cigarette then let the smoke slowly out, my eyes on the traffic below.
Just jump. Climb over, and jump.
I feel worn thin, the little sleep and my conscience taking a heavy toll on my body.
At this rate, I won’t even have to shoot myself or jump. I’m bound to just drop dead.
Good.
The sooner, the better.
I feel the air shift behind me, and instinctively my eyes fall shut. Christ.
“O’Brien.” Her voice is soft, and it washes over me like a cool summer rain. “Can we talk?” Thunder and lightning disturb the short-lived peace. “Please.” The drops turn acidic, melting the skin from my bones.
Opening my eyes, I try to take a fortifying breath as I flick the cigarette away. I turn around, but the moment my eyes settle on JJ, what’s left of me is ripped wide open.
I can only meet her eyes for a split second, the raw ache in them forcing me to take a step back.
I’m so fucking sorry, JJ.
“How have you been?” she asks, her hands fisting at her sides.
I’m dying. There’s no living without you.
Somehow I manage to nod, my voice hoarse as I mutter, “I’m okay.” I swallow hard on the thickness in my throat. “You?”
My eyes settle on her mouth, refusing to go higher.
“I’ve been better,” she answers honestly.
A cold sweat breaks out over my body and feeling like a junky needing another fix, my hands start to tremble.
Then the worst thing happens, and JJ’s body slams into mine. Her arms wrap around my waist, her face planting against my chest.
My eyes close, the pain too intense, too fucking unbearable. The secrets between us are dark. It’s in every look and the very air we breathe.
“I miss you, Daniel. Please. God, please, just talk to me,” she begs, her voice filled with desperation. “I know you care, or you wouldn’t be outside my house every night.”
Wanting to give her what she needs with every fiber of my being, the words sound tortured as they leave me. “I’m so fucking sorry, JJ.”
I’m sorry I just stood there and let him violate you.
I’m sorry I hurt you in the worst possible way.
I’m sorry I’ve been stalking you because I can’t fucking stay away.