Knowing I’ve been selfishly trying to stay in her orbit and it’s hurting her, I have to get my shit together and be the strong one. It’s the least I can do for her.
Lifting my hands, I take hold of her shoulders and push her back. My jaw clenches with determination as I step around her, and with JJ’s wellbeing in mind, I walk away from her.
“O’Brien!” she shouts, panic tainting my name. When I just keep walking so I can get this over with and leave her be, she screams, “Danny!”
My steps falter. My stomach bottoms out. My fucking heart disintegrates.
Flashes of what I did to her bombard my mind. I see her body jerk as Rama fucks her, and it pushes me over the edge.
Rushing away from JJ, I hurry to Chief Cooper’s office and bite the words out, “I’m done. Consider this my resignation.” Removing my badge and gun, I drop them on his desk and leave his office, ignoring his calls for me to stop.
I keep going, blind to everything around me as I hurry to my car. My phone starts to ring, and digging the device out, I switch it off before yanking the door open and sliding behind the steering wheel.
The pressure keeps building, threatening to erupt from me at any second. I make it back to my house in record time, and rushing up the stairs, I burst into my parents' bedroom.
Everything explodes.
In an absolute rage, I sow destruction in the room that’s become my prison cell. Bottles crash against the wall. I rip the covers off the bed, flip the mattress over, yank the closets open, and rip clothes from them.
Air burns through my lungs, silent cries spilling from my pores until I’m drained, sinking to my knees.
I only catch my breath for a couple of seconds before I force myself up. Opening the vault, I take the title deed to the house out.
I need to sell everything and make sure JJ gets every last cent. Focused on the only way to make amends with JJ, I get to work, needing to get it done so I can end this hell once and for all.
Having lost track of time, my head snaps up when the front doorbell jingles through the house. I haven’t heard that sound… Christ, I can’t remember when last.
Thinking it’s either the lawyer to draw up my last will, or the agent I called to sell the house, I rush down the stairs. My eyes flick to the screen showing the security camera, and seeing JJ, I instantly freeze.
Fuck, Uncle Carl must’ve given her my address.
With the front door between us, I can’t tear my gaze away from the screen, drinking in the sight of her like the dying man I am.
The wind catches her ponytail, whipping it against her neck. She steps forward, knocking, my eyes darting to the solid wood.
Slowly I move closer until my breath warms the space between the door and me.
“O’Brien,” she calls, knocking again.
Closing my eyes, I rest my forehead against the wood. JJ.
Chapter 24
JJ
I don’t know how long I stand outside O’Brien’s house, knocking and praying he’ll open.
When night falls over the city, desperation claws at my insides. I glance up at the windows, and not seeing any lights on, I let out a sigh.
Where are you?
Before I know what I’m doing, I place my hand against the door, and leaning in, I whisper, “Please stop shutting me out. It’s killing me.”
Inhaling a shaky breath, I turn away from the house, and with numb legs, I take the stairs down and walk to my car.
Knowing I’m running out of time, the desperate need to talk to O’Brien grows with every step.
He resigned from the bureau.
Am I pushing too hard? Is this his way of severing all ties with me?
God, what am I going to do?
My thoughts are a jumbled mess, just like my memories of the past year. It’s as if nothing makes sense anymore.
When I get home, Lindsay’s eyes search my face, then she gives me a compassionate look. “No luck?”
I shake my head, slumping down on the couch. “What am I going to do?”
She comes to sit on the other couch. “Maybe he just needs time?”
I shake my head hard, recalling the broken shards in his eyes. A bad feeling crawls over me. “With him resigning from the bureau…” I shake my head again, “I get the feeling if I don’t do something drastic to reach him, I’ll lose him for good.”
Sympathy washes over her face. “JJ, I’m not asking this to hurt you, but did you ever have him?”
Doubt rips through me because she’s right. I’m the one who loves him. I got lost in him on that yacht. It might be the total opposite for O’Brien, and he’s leaving to get away from me constantly hounding him.
Lowering my head in my hands, I mutter, “I’m so confused.” Then I grab at a straw of hope again, refusing to give up on him. “He cares, Lindsay. I know he cares.”
“How?”
Lifting my eyes to hers, I admit, “He’s parked across the road every night.”
Her gaze fills with shock, then a smile spreads over her face. “Then you have to go back and try to talk to him again.”
“Either he’s ignoring me, or he’s not home.” I let out a frustrated sigh then an idea hits me. “I’ll wait for him to park across the road, then confront him.” And if he leaves, I’ll freaking follow him.
“What if he doesn’t come?” she asks.
I shrug. “Then I’ll just go to his house tomorrow.”
I stayed up all night, but O’Brien didn’t come.
He didn’t come.
My heart is heavy in my chest, the bad feeling growing.
I’ve lost him, my partner, my love, my everything.
I know it in my gut, but something still has me clinging to hope. It’s the something that has me steering my car to the Upper West Side and not the bureau.
Taking the steps up to the front door, I glance around me to make sure no one sees what I’m about to do and pulling the lock picking set from my pocket, I get to work on the door. I keep glancing around me, and when the lock clicks open, I quickly shove the door open, and with absolute relief and a thundering heart, I sneak into O’Brien’s home. Softly, I shut the door, then glance around the lavish interior of the foyer.
I notice the alarm panel but don’t hear a beeping warning me it will go off at any second, and I hope it means O’Brien’s home.
My breaths fall silent over my lips as I sneak into an open space. A spacious living room’s to my left, a modern kitchen to my right. In front of me is a beautiful staircase, wrought iron going up to the second floor.
Taking the steps, I see a huge family photo of a smiling O’Brien and his parents. I’ve never seen that smile on his face.
Peeking into the first room, my eyebrows pinch together, my heart stuttering from the chaotic mess of furniture, clothes, jewelry, and toiletries. It looks like a tornado swept through the room.
I glance down the short hallway, then up to the third floor.
What if he’s not home?
What if he left?
Afraid I won’t find O’Brien, and he’s gone for good, I inch my way up the stairs.
My heart’s pounding so loud, it’s all I hear as I near another bedroom. Placing my hand on the door, I slowly push it open, exposing furniture, the color scheme blacks and dark grays. The room is incredibly neat, as if no one’s living in it, but then I open the door all the way. The sight of O’Brien, sitting on the floor at the side of the bed with a gun in his hand, the barrel pressed against his forehead, rips the air from me.