I’m not.
I’m going to end it.
I’m sorry.
“I’m okay.” A heavy breath makes my chest shudder.
“I had to send JJ home. She wouldn’t tell me what happened but mentioned she ran into you?”
“Yeah.”
“And?”
I couldn’t face her. I ran like a fucking coward.
“Nothing. I was heading out to work a case.”
Uncle Carl sighs, and I can picture him wiping a hand over his face, tired of dealing with my shit. “I’m worried, Daniel. I’ve never seen you like this. I wish you’d get counseling.”
Instantly my temper flares. “I’m not going to spill my guts to a stranger.”
“Then talk to me,” he snaps. “Talk to anyone as long as you fucking talk.”
I talk to my parents.
Just to put Uncle Carl’s mind at ease, I mutter, “I’ll talk to someone. Don’t worry.” My eyes lower to the gun. “I’m really doing okay. Work’s good.”
“Since when do you lie to me, Daniel?” he asks, his tone telling me just how much this is getting to him.
“I’ll be okay,” I try to reassure him. The line starts to beep, and glancing at my phone's screen, I see Chief Cooper’s trying to reach me. “I have another call. Talk to you later.” Ending the call, I let Chief Cooper go to voicemail then turn off the device.
After tucking the weapon back in the holster, I make a U-turn and steer the car in the direction of JJ’s house. If Uncle Carl sent her home, it means she was in one hell of a state.
I park my car opposite JJ’s house, and turning off the engine, I let my head drop back against the headrest, my eyes locked on her front door.
I’m sorry, JJ. I wish I was man enough to face you, but I’m not. Just seeing you… Christ, it guts me. What I did to you, there’s no talking our way through it. I fucking raped you. I let Rama rape you. I deserve to fucking die.
The front door opens, and JJ steps out onto the porch, her eyes locked on me. Her arms wrap around her waist, her features crumbling.
I hear her cries, her devastated wails.
Christ, even broken, she’s breathtaking.
She takes a step forward, and it has me starting the engine.
I love you so fucking much, Julie Jefferson.
Turning my attention to the road, I pull away.
I’ll always love you.
Sitting on the floor at the foot of my parents’ bed, I empty the bottle of whiskey. I’ve stopped feeling the comforting burn weeks ago, the alcohol doing little to silence my demons.
Movement catches my eye, but it takes me a good minute to turn my head in the direction of the doorway.
Uncle Carl stares at me, shock on his face. “Jesus, Daniel.” Coming into the room, he crouches in front of me and takes the empty bottle from my limp fingers. “Come on. Let’s get you cleaned up.” He hooks a hand under my arm and pulls me to my feet. Unstable, I sway into him.
Setting the bottle down on my mother’s vanity, he wraps his other arm around my waist and drags me out of the room that’s become my private hell.
It’s where I go to face everything I’ve lost.
It’s filled with despair, regrets, and grief. It’s so thick in the air it drips down the walls.
I’m shoved into a shower, and a second later, cold water rushes over me. Leaning back against the wall, my head knocks into the tiles, but I don’t feel anything. I stare at my uncle, then let out a sorrow-filled chuckle. “You can’t fix me this time.”
Uncle Carl starts to unbutton my button-up shirt, and he keeps going until I push his hands away. “I can do it myself.”
“Like fuck you can,” he snaps at me. Then, waving his arms over my body, he shouts, “Look at you, Daniel! You’re a fucking mess. Shower and get your ass dressed because I’m not leaving until we’ve talked.”
I watch him stalk out of the bathroom, then close my eyes and let the cold water spill over me.
Talking won’t help. It won’t change what I did to JJ.
Using more strength than I have, I strip out of the wet suit and wash myself. My body goes through the actions while my mind’s haunted by screams and visions of JJ’s body jerking with every thrust.
When I drag my feet downstairs, I find Uncle Carl in the kitchen, frying bacon and eggs.
He shoots a glare in my direction. “When last did you eat?”
I shrug as I take a seat at the island, resting my forearms on the granite.
He points the spatula at me. “This shit stops now. Start talking.”
Bringing my hands up, I rub my palms over my face, letting out a sigh. “I’ve already told you.”
“Tell me again,” he orders as he shoves two slices of bread into the toaster.
The whiskey starts bubbling in my stomach, and I shake my head, unable to say the words out loud.
The kitchen suffers under the force of Uncle Carl’s anger, clanks and clatters filling the air. Minutes later, he shoves the plate in front of me, barking, “You’ll eat everything, or I’ll force-feed you.”
Picking up the utensils, my stomach rolls, but I force the food into my mouth, swallowing hard as if I’m forcing rocks down.
When the plate is empty, Uncle Carl leans back against the counter across from me, crossing his arms over his chest. He looks like Samual L. Jackson, about to beat the shit out of me as he orders, “Talk.”
“About what?” I mutter. “I did what I fucking did.”
“Tell me how you’re feeling,” he demands.
My emotions rocket through me, slamming against my conscience, plundering my heart, obliterating my soul. Losing my shit, I swipe my arm over the granite and send the plate crashing on the floor. My body darts up, my chest heaves, rage churning, and fucking churning. “I fucking raped the woman I love!” My eyes lock with my uncle’s. “I destroyed her.” My voice falters. “I failed her.”
Uncle Carl comes around the island and grabs me in a fatherly hug I don’t deserve. “You didn’t, Daniel. But you’re failing her now. If you talk to JJ, you can get through this.”
I shake my head hard, pulling out of his hold. “There’s no talking about it. I can’t face her.”
“You need to fucking man up and give that woman the closure she deserves.”
I know.
“I can’t.” Lowering my head like the coward I am, I say, “Destroying her… it’s killing me.” I somehow manage to lift my eyes to his. “I can’t look into her eyes and see the pain I’ve caused her. I can’t face what I’ve done to her.”
“You can, and you fucking will.” He steps into my space. “If you love that woman, you’ll face her. JJ’s strong, Daniel. Christ, you’re both in so much fucking pain. Clear the air so you can both move on.”
Move on to what? A life without JJ?
I’d rather die.
Chapter 23
JJ
I see Rama, but it doesn’t feel like him. Although it’s Rama’s face and body, it feels like O’Brien.
My eyes dart around the dark room, but I can’t find O’Brien.