“That’s part of the problem, Nate.”
“Caring? That’s a problem for you?”
“Yes… because it’s a contradiction to the man you claimed you were.” And because for me it went beyond caring. I loved him.
Through these gestures, he may have caused me to fall in love with him, but he still remained the cocky man who could play a part in a nasty divorce, at my expense. He was still the man that I’d willingly entered this arrangement with because he wasn’t looking for anything more than physical. He was still the man who was anti-relationship. None of that had changed.
Only I had.
“What the hell are you talking about?” He threw my question back at me, only in a much more agitated way. It was time to say what I never had the nerve to. I needed him to understand this arrangement we had wasn’t working for me anymore.
Sticking to the me part of this equation, I closed the distance and stared up into his eyes. “Somewhere along the way, things changed for me.” He may not have realized it was both of us that changed, but I had, and that ironically made it hurt worse. “I hate this person I’ve become because of it. It triggers me back to being with Sawyer.”
“You’re comparing being with me to being with a seventeen-year-old asshole?” he barked.
“No.” I shook my head, keeping my tone even keeled. “I’m merely saying the emotions I’m feeling are the same as I felt then.” Anger lingered in his glare. Clearly, he wasn’t understanding my point.
After the whole Sawyer thing, I’d ended up in therapy. I couldn’t separate the hurt I’d felt from Sawyer from the hurt I’d felt over losing my father. They became one and the same to my psyche. With Nate, the same pattern was emerging. I couldn’t separate the regret I had over starting this thing between us from the regret I felt over falling for him.
He’d never understand if I tried to explain that… and it didn’t matter, because when all was said and done, it still came down to us being in completely different places. It wouldn’t work.
I had no idea what she was talking about, or what she was even upset about. She seemed to be speaking in code, and I suspected this had little to do with the Clare thing.
While she stood before me, her blue eyes pleading for something I couldn’t understand, I didn’t know what to say. So, I remained silent… but the longer we engaged in this battle of wills, the more I felt her pulling away.
When she shook her head and increased the distance between us to sit on the couch, I folded my arms and leaned against her small kitchen island. There wasn’t a doubt she was keeping something from me, and the fact she would no longer look in my direction only spurred me to continue to wait her out… because I had nowhere to be.
Through the silence, the more time that passed, the more I could practically hear an invisible clock ticking down. It probably was my own heartbeat.
Finally, she met my expectant gaze, and still, because of the guarded look in her eyes, I couldn’t read what was going on inside her head. The curiosity became a force of its own, and before I knew it, I blurted out, “Talk to me, Jersey. This can’t be because of Clare.”
“It is partly because of that.” Her focus flicked away again before she released a resigned sigh. “Look… basically, you did your job, and I got screwed in the process.”
“The wheels were in motion on the Steiner case before I even got together with you, Amy.” My frustration was clear in the tone of my voice and in the way I used her real name.
“I know… I’m not disputing that and get why you couldn’t warn me. That doesn’t change the outcome, though. And it doesn’t change the fact you tried to fix it, on your own, in a way I’m not comfortable with.”
“Forget that Clare and I fucked,” I said harshly. “Would that have made a difference, if she and I hadn’t had a previous relationship?”
“No, but the fact you did does add a layer of insecurity that I hate feeling…” She paused before adding, “Jealousy too.” I tried to fight the smirk but failed, and that fueled a new fire within her. “Imagine me going to Andrew to help you win a case without telling you.”
And bam, the smirk was gone. “I’d be pissed.”
“Exactly.”
I felt as though we were going round and round and gripped the back of my neck before sighing. “Okay, I get it. If you don’t want to meet with Clare, then we won’t. I’ll tell her you’d rather find a home for your books on your own.” Hating the distance that her small living room created, I walked over and sat on the coffee table before taking her hand between both of mine. “Let’s go grab dinner and forget this day.” A small crease formed across her brow as she processed something. “What?”
She looked down at our clasped hands before coming back to my face. “Nate, I really enjoyed being with you—”
“Enjoyed?” I said, cutting her off. “As in past tense.”
“Yes…” A deliberate pause ensued until she added, “I think we need to end this.”
“Why?” I asked tightly. I got nothing. “What the fuck aren’t you saying?” Now I knew this had little to do with Clare’s involvement. She was using her as an excuse. “Amy,” I prompted, and watched a myriad of expressions cross over her face.
“For me, it’s turned into something different, and I no longer can continue now that it has.”
“Pretend that I’m dense. Different how?”
“Different in it’s no longer a casual arrangement. It’s something else, something more consuming. Something I didn’t ask for.” She pulled her hand from mine to wrap her arms around herself. “Something you don’t want,” she tagged on so quietly I almost missed it.
And then it clicked… and with that aha moment came panic.
“It’s something I’m not capable of,” I tried to explain. “It has nothing to do with want.”
“Regardless, it is what it is. And I feel the same way… in not being capable.” Her shoulders lifted in a resigned shrug. “So that’s where I’m at. I appreciate what you tried to do for me, and I really had a great time with you. But it’s gotten too complicated now, and I know I can’t slip back into the uncomplicated arrangement we started.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, yet I could. Because she was right. We were at that fork in the road, where we could either turn right, keeping things just as they were—fucking, having a good time, no strings attached. Or we could make a left turn, which led to the full-blown relationship and all that came with it.
The problem was, I wanted to yank her toward the right, and she drifted toward the left. Every fiber of my being didn’t believe in that second scenario. Inevitably, love ruined everything. Whether by people falling out of it or losing someone they couldn’t live without. When that useless emotion was added to the equation, the consequences outweighed the slim possibility of a happy ever after. At least in my experiences it did.
“So that’s that,” she said casually, as though we had just discussed something trivial.