But I was stuck on her last comment. While shoving a hand through my hair, I shook my head. “Jersey, I can’t…” Can’t what? Shit… my list of can’ts was endless… not that I’d tried anything more than a fuck-lationship recently. Still, as great as things have been going with Amy, I no doubt would get caught up in my own head, sabotaging every moment from here on out. She never said love, but anything remotely close to it wasn’t in the cards for me either.
Thinking of my brother Max at that moment could only mean a tiny part of my subconscious disagreed.
“Casual is all I know how to do,” I said, finally finishing my attempt at an explanation. It’d been years since I’d loved a woman, only for it all to go to shit when I found out she’d used me. That experience not only slammed a door shut on loving someone else, but it also drove nails into the doorjamb and threw a thick coat of paint over the seams to ensure that fucker would never open again.
“I’m no different, Nate. That’s why it won’t work. I’ve lived my life trying to be fiercely independent. I had to be once my dad died and my mom lost her mind with grief.” A smile broke through the pained expression. “Who is getting married, by the way.”
“Your mom is?”
“Yeah. Six months with the guy.” Amy waved her free hand. “Anyway. I see her, and I know she’s setting herself up for a ton of heartbreak. It’s like standing on a bridge and looking down at the road below, watching an erratic driver swerving in and out of traffic, unaware of a stalled car ahead. I can envision the crash as clear as day, and I can wave my arms and yell, but she won’t hear me.” My grin sparked annoyance. “What?”
“You’re a writer to the core. I—” Forcing my mouth to clamp shut, I stopped myself from admitting that I loved that about her… the way she had with words. How could I voice that out loud without contradicting my claim that I wasn’t capable of anything more than casual?
“You what?”
Deflecting, I instead said, “I could picture what you’re jabbering about perfectly.”
“It’s one of my many talents.”
The double entendre hit us at the same time, and as we stared at each other, the little humor our conversation held instantly vanished. What if I threw her over my shoulder and took her to bed… picked up where we had left off… continued as status quo? Could we both pretend this never happened?
Based on the heat in those pale-blue orbs, the way they ricocheted between mine, she was probably envisioning the same, wishing for the same. But with her admission, the heedless nature of our relationship felt completely out of my grasp. One more time with her would only make things worse, for me at least. I may admit to something I didn’t feel just to have another time, and another, and on and on it would go until I, or she, realized we were right back to the problem at hand.
Regardless of that what-if, she made the decision it wouldn’t happen for both of us by saying, “Maybe you should go.”
“Yeah.” The agreement came, but I had yet to move. The longer I sat, the harder it was to walk away.
Sensing my procrastination, she gave me a sad smile. “It’s been a pretty shitty birthday weekend for you.”
“I wouldn’t say that. I got to be with a gorgeous author in the wild.” Again, we stared at each other, and shit, if that didn’t make me want to blurt out words I didn’t necessarily feel. But that would be thinking with the wrong head, doing what was necessary to have more time with her. Temptation and unchartered desire for her forced me to lean over, cup her face, and kiss her lips chastely. “It’s been fun, Jersey.”
“It has been,” she said with a nod.
Before I could cave because of the way one little kiss on her lips caused my cock to throb, or before I could listen to the little voice that kept screaming to help her remember how good we were together, I stood and stalked out of her apartment.
I tried to pretend it was hunger that had me walking into Brad’s bar twenty minutes later. That’d be a lie. I needed to talk to someone. Since Andrew was a hard no, and between my two brothers, there was a reason I chose the one who would tell me to walk away and count my losses. I desperately needed that familiar life raft he’d provide to get me out of the tumultuous seas engulfing me.
Brad was at the other end of the bar when I snatched an empty stool. I peeled off my suit jacket, hung it on the back of the metal seat, and rolled up my sleeves while sitting. Two women to my left smiled when I glanced their way.
“You’re Brad’s brother.”
Gee, what gave it away? I refrained from rolling my eyes and said, “I am.”
“I’m Gabbie, and this is my friend Julie.”
“Hey.” Rude or not, I twisted to my right to flag down one of Brad’s waitresses, and thank Christ, by the time I ordered a burger, the ladies had taken their drinks and moved on to another unsuspecting sap. That wouldn’t be hard to find. It wasn’t surprising for the place to be so jammed on a Monday evening during football season. My brother had built quite a business for himself, and the volume of people choosing to unwind after a workday and watch their teams here proved as much.
Brad noticed me and poured my favorite beer on tap. He brought it over even though I could use something much stronger tonight.
“What are you doing here, dude?” My shrug was met with his brows rising. “Looks like your dog died.”
“Shitty day.” I took a decent gulp of the ice-cold brew, and then another.
“Oh yeah? Did you lose a case or something… have to fork over a millionaire’s yacht along with his balls?”
“Hilarious.”
Brad grinned. “What? Hearing all about some of your clients’ exes losing their shirts in divorces keeps me grounded. Who needs such hassles?”
Exactly! See, Brad knows.
“Wait…” And then a memory must have hit in the way he widened his eyes. “Your girl took off Saturday night; then you got plastered, only to take off after her a few hours later… I know why the long face,” he said with a snap of his fingers. “It’s trouble in paradise.”
My mouth’s flapping open and shut was a dead giveaway. So what did I come up with? “She’s not my girl.”
“Right.” He nodded, further patronizing me with a smirk. “Did the sex go stale?”
“No… it was the best sex I ever had.” Fuck was it ever.
“Was? It’s over?”
Damn it. “Yep” was all I said to that.
Brad blinked repeatedly at me before saying, “Bro, why?”
“We ran our course.” My identical pain-in-the-ass brother stared at me long and hard. “What?” I barked, regretting coming to his fucking bar.
“Oh boy… you’re screwed.” He moved away to mix a blonde some fruity concoction, only to come right back to me and add, “You fell for her, dude. It’s written all over your face.”
“I didn’t fall for her.”
“Liar.” My denial felt like a huge lie on top of another lie. “Dude, you literally look sick. No…” He waved a hand back and forth and amended, “You look like Max did before he realized he loved Jade. You have the same damn dejected expression on your face.”