“Noah, you said you have demons that could go away, you need to face facts; whether you have it or not will not determine your life. It could be years before you develop any symptoms and you could still end up with me,” I say in utter frustration, I said the exact same thing last time and no doubt he’ll shoot me down once more.
“Henleigh, you’ve been through so much already. What if we got together and we fell in love, do you really think I could put you through that.” Oh Noah, I’m already in love with you. I’m just glad you can’t see my tears right now. “Watching the guy you love change, waste away and inevitably die. I won’t do it, and as I said before I will get the test done, I just want to live in denial for another month or so. Please don’t make me think about ignoring your call every time I see it.”
“Okay Noah bear, but when you come back in September we need to sit down and talk. There are things you need to know and I won’t say them over the phone. I have my own demons too, you may not want to know me once you know what they are,” I can hear the sadness and fear in my own voice.
The slight wobble to my words. The way I inhale and have to force them out, there’s no way he’s missed it either.
“Leighbear, of course we’ll talk when I come back. There’s actually something I want to run by you but it’ll have to be later, will you be okay if I go?” Selfless Noah, wanting to make sure that I’m okay.
“Hey sure I will, go spend some time with your mum. I’ll speak to you soon,” I don’t release my sigh until I disconnect the call.
I better go to the canteen and see what I can scrounge up, it’s going to be a weird summer and I’m going to miss Noah and Amias like crazy.
Luckily, I can get a hold of a sandwich but I’m not really in the mood to socialise, that feeling only intensifies when I get to my room and find an envelope on the floor.
The minute I look at the handwriting on the letter I know it’s going to cause me turmoil, it’s not from one of my bullies. It’s from my mum.
I sit on the edge of my bed, the sandwich all but forgotten. Am I ready to read this? No, but I’m still going to do it.
Henleigh
I did not think you would appreciate it if I used one of your nicknames, and for my therapy to have any effect I really need you to read this.
I want to start by saying how much I love and miss you and how sorry I am, not just for the substance abuse and all the times you came home to find me high or out of it. But for the things I have and have not said.
I know what you did to that girl is partly my fault, I never should have put the blame for Elliott’s death on your shoulders, I’ve struggled with his loss every day since the police came to our door. I could not deal with the pain and I took the easy way out.
We have both said and done things we regret, and I hope that we can apologise and move on and perhaps forge a new relationship.
I lost my son; I do not want to lose my daughter too. I really am sorry for blaming you, telling us wouldn’t have changed the outcome, it may have only delayed it. I love you Henleigh.
Mum
X
She wants me to apologise to her, for what? There is only one person who deserves an apology and it certainly isn’t my mother. I really want what she said to be true, it would be brilliant to feel like I have a mum again, but I don’t know if I can just forgive and forget. Not yet at least, I can’t say I believe that time heals all wounds but maybe it could make this one just a little easier to bear and move on from.
By the next day I’ve done everything there is to do before school breaks up, and we only have three days left to go. They mainly just let us watch films, play games and even take a few field trips. We went to the miniature village yesterday and it was like being a giant for the day. I didn’t try to go to the hospital at that time, but I have every intention of visiting him at least once more before I leave for London. Elijah’s really excited for me to meet his family and although they don’t approve of the fact I’ve lied to my father, they’re willing to give me the benefit of the doubt.
I can’t say how much Elijah has told them about me, and it’s nerve wracking, but it will be worth it in the end, I hope.
I spend the evening with Amias, and we cuddle up on his bed and watch an endless array of films. I don’t even know what we saw but it was nice not being inside my own head for a little while.
I know that Harrison has had his surgery and they had to remove a section of his skull to help with the swelling and they also drained some of the fluid away. We still don’t know if he will wake up, and my warrior is struggling more and more with every day that passes.
He keeps hinting that he wants to see me over our six-week holiday, and yeah of course I want to see him too, but I refuse to make concrete plans. Not unless he’s willing to go where I go. I feel so selfish thinking like this, but my mind can’t be changed.
Damn, the last day of school is here, I can’t believe I made it this far. The guys are way too hyper for me at six in the morning, but I’m determined to go running and I’m making Amias, and Elijah come along with me. I just didn’t anticipate that Elijah would be his usual self no matter the bloody time.
“Cheer up baby, it may never happen.”
“Hey, why do you get to call her baby?” Amias asks as he starts jogging backwards. I’m rolling my eyes, it’s too early to be dealing with their antics.
“Because she didn’t hate your choice of nickname and her eyes always go a little glassy when I say it. Win, win for Elijah,” he says, no idea why he refers to himself in the third person though.
“I swear, you get all the luck,” Amias throws back but there isn’t really much to say in response.
Amias is in a confrontational mood it seems, and Elijah is the worst person to have around when you’re in that mood. He can antagonise anyone, it’s his superpower for sure.
“You two pack it in or I’ll run alone, don’t test me you know I’m serious.” Like I said, way too early, and I’m not having it.
“Sorry little cub, I’m just not looking forward to leaving for the next six weeks. My folks won’t be back for another two weeks and that’s only if they don’t get delayed or side-tracked.” He sounds so despondent and I don’t like it, maybe I can cheer him up a little.
“I guess that means I’ll have to try and pay you a visit as well then or you could join us. I don’t know how fun it would be. But I’d love to have you,” I say, staring straight into Amias’ eyes, and he shoots a smirk my way.
“I’ll think about it,” he shouts over his shoulder, and I tell him he better.
Seventeen
All packed up and ready to go, Elijah has a car waiting for me and I’ve already said bye to everyone. I just can’t leave without going to the hospital to visit, it’s almost like a compulsion now. Forget it Henleigh, this will never make up for what you did. I know that but I still can’t stay away, I can’t think of a single thing I like about Harrison, but it doesn’t mean I want him to suffer.
“Hey H, I’m going to be gone for a couple of weeks. But I’ll try and come by while school is closed, I hear your surgery went well and you’re holding on. I’m glad you’re fighting and I’m certain you’re gonna come back as strong as ever. I wish I knew why you hate me so much, I just can’t ever see you being in a place where you would tell me honestly.”