She’s talking to him for a few more moments before she says bye and hands me back my phone, but he’s already gone.
“He didn’t want to upset you any further, he did ask that I get you to call him later once you’ve settled into your room.” Her smile is like a ray of sunshine, and I’m so relieved that he agreed, she really does have a superpower.
We drive for a while and it’s so long that I’m finding myself nodding off. I guess I must have because Elijah is waking me up and when I look out of the window, I see the prison.
Oh damn, now that I’m here. I don’t know if I can do this, the whole time I’ve been stuck in Padstow it’s been leading up to this moment. But what if I am making a huge mistake?
“You don’t have to do anything you do not want to, we can turn around and go back to ours if you’d prefer,” says Elisa, gently placing her hand on the one I’m using to squeeze Elijah’s to death.
“It’s so tempting, but I have to go in there. If I don’t, I doubt I’ll ever get the opportunity to again. I’m just...scared.” I really am, I don’t know what to expect or if he’ll even want to see me. It’s been ten years for fuck sake.
“This isn’t the place you went to is it? I don’t think they hold minors here.” Elijah is so cavalier about it, I’m in shock. What is his mum going to think about me now after that bombshell he just let loose.
“Bloody hell Elijah, I would like your mum to like me you know,” I say and I feel so humiliated.
“What do you mean, she already knows you went to juvie. It came out when I was talking to my dad and he tells her everything. Believe me I really do mean, everything.” He extenuated that last word and I can’t help but facepalm myself in exasperation, fear and embarrassment.
“It’s okay Henleigh, and I’m glad I know. Besides, how can I hold something like that against you, one of my husbands has actually been to prison. We don’t do hypocrisy in our family. But Jah is right, this couldn’t be where you went,” she says, looking up at the prison.
“No it isn’t, this is where the guy I saw as a brother has been held for the last ten years. He’s apparently the one responsible for Elliott’s death.” Did I sound sarcastic then? I have no idea, but I guess it shows that I am still not sold on him being held accountable for the deaths that day.
“Hen, I should have realised. Are you going to be okay, do you want me to come with you?” My Elijah, I could well and truly kiss you right now. If only I could take him up on his offer.
“You’re a good guy Eli and I want to say yes, believe me I do. But I need to do this by myself, I knew Devon and if I wasn’t wrong about him all those years ago, then he won’t hurt me,” I reply. Please let him be the same guy I thought I knew.
“We’ll wait right here for you and if it gets too much, then you just come on back. Don’t put yourself under any duress,” Elisa says before giving my shoulder and squeeze.
Taking a deep breath, I climb out of the car and refuse to look back. I can do this. I know I can.
I’m passing through all the checkpoints fine and I’ve had to hand over my phone to a guard. What do they think I will do? Post a selfie with Devon, as if.
I’m taken to a visiting room and now I’m sitting here, watching the clock tick and waiting for Devon to appear. It’s been ten years and I was looking at him through the eyes of a seven-year-old, as someone who adored and worshipped him. How am I supposed to know the way to look at him now? I need answers. My hands are clammy, my heart feels like it’s going to burst right out of my chest, and I can feel perspiration forming on my forehead.
The door opens and the prisoners are guided in, we have our own table to sit around but no one is approaching mine yet. I don’t want to sit here staring at them all, so I’m chipping my black varnish off instead.
“Little Hen?” That name takes me back and I feel seven years old again. He looks so shocked to see me, like I’m a mirage or maybe even a ghost and looking at him right now, it’s a shock for me too. I can tell it’s Devon, but he looks so different. Older, Harder, scarier.
The one reason I won’t let anyone call me that, it’s already owned, and only Devon and the other brothers of my soul would ever call me that. It doesn’t matter what the guys mean to me, I can’t be their little Hen, it’s only Devon now.
I’m looking up and up and up some more, he’s a mountain of a man and clearly, he’s been taking advantage of the prison gym since he’s been here. His muscles are huge, and it looks like he’s made from granite, even his pecs are straining through his prison shirt.
“Hey Devy,” I say, my voice comes out soft, and I wish I didn’t sound like a child right now.
“I can’t believe it’s really you, I thought it had to be a trick when I saw your name. You have definitely grown up, you’re beautiful.” He sounds wistful and maybe even a little choked up, but no one dares to look at him, I wonder how many fights he’s been in and how many he lost. It would probably be easier to count the losses than the wins, Devon rarely ever lost.
“It’s been ten years, of course I’ve grown up. Did you expect me to stay seven forever?” I ask and a laugh slips free from him in a deep baritone.
His eyes show the ten years haven’t been easy, but prison hasn’t broken him, he’s all muscle – and I used to think he was huge when I was a kid. He could snap me like a twig if he wanted to, maybe even Amias as well.
He’s covered in tattoos, and he’s got a scar running down the left side of his face. It just adds to the fear factor. His hair is cut so close to his head, there’s barely any there. He has a thick beard, with jagged scars marring his arms and his eyebrow has a thick piece of white flesh slicing through it.
“We could only hope you would, no one wanted to see the day you brought a boy home.”
“No one will now,” I bite out and his eyes narrow slightly before he shakes it off and drops a smile onto his face.
It’s not a nice smile in any way, shape or form. It doesn’t scare me, I can’t fear Devon even though the logical part of my brain tells me I should.
“Why are you here little Hen? What would possess you to come to prison?” He speaks as though I’m a child, I assume it's that, otherwise he thinks I’m an idiot and I won’t stand for that.
“I need to know what happened that day, I don’t care what anyone says. You didn’t kill them, you wouldn’t have. You loved them as much as I did, you were always there to keep them safe. Please Devon, I need to know.” I haven’t seen him for ten years but he’s still the brother of my heart and I won’t hide the way I feel from him. I don’t care that I sound desperate and a little frantic, this is important to me and he needs to realise that.
“Whether you need it or not, I won’t be the one telling you. Do you know what the truth will actually do? It will ruin every notion and conception you have of Elliott and our brothers. I won’t do that to them or you. But you’re both wrong and right, I didn’t kill them, but I did have a hand to play whether intentional or not. Don’t worry little Hen, I’ll be out soon and then I’ll make the true culprits suffer for what they took from us.” His look has never been darker than it is right now, he has a plan and I can’t help but assume it will lead to a lot of bloodshed.