Dawn nodded. “He is affected. It’s just not rushing through him the way it should be. You’re getting flashes and nothing more?”
“Some headaches,” he said. “Some images. It’s more like a blow to the head than a spiritual marriage.”
“Hmm.” Dawn stepped back. “You have to work through these trust issues, Tyff. I believe the Knowing will come through for you, but you have to realize that humans aren’t the enemy.”
“What are you saying?” Renay looked frantically between them, tugging on Tyff’s hand. “Are you saying you don’t want me?”
Tyff stepped closer, raising her hand to press it to his cheek.
“More than anything I want you,” he assured her. “But without the exchange of memory, we can’t be fully bonded. I can’t even claim you like this.”
“What?” Renay whispered.
“My body wants yours, but without the Knowing it would be—” he struggled, looking for the right words.
“It would be like being an animal,” Dawn said softly. “Breeding under the pressure of hormones. Biological conditioning. No soul. No spirit. No emotion.”
“Yes,” Tyff agreed, nodding. He looked back into Renay’s eyes, brushing back her hair. “I would not use you so rudely, shaa kouva.”
Renay couldn’t keep the tears from her eyes. She had never felt so rejected in her life, even though she knew he wasn’t rejecting her, not really. He was just saying he needed time—both of them did.
She also respected his position. It was such a surprise to have a man talk about a union of souls that she had to take a few minutes to absorb it.
Tyff put his arms around her and cradled her to his chest. Pleasure sang through her, making goosebumps rise on her skin. She could even feel the fire running across her scalp. She could truly feel it now—the Knowing running through her, but not through him.
“I’ve just seen so much useless death and violence,” Tyff muttered. “I can’t be free of it. I love you. I do. But I don’t know how to open my heart.”
“Time,” Dawn said firmly. “You must give it time. The Knowing is working on you both, just far slower than usual. I suggest you talk, get to know each other. These are extraordinary circumstances after all.”
“Yes,” Renay whispered, clinging desperately to Tyff. She could tell he was torn between wanting to hold her and wanting to run back to his duties.
Once I can go with him, everything will change. Once I can show him that I support him utterly, everything will be alright.
She clung to him, loving the warmth of his body and his spicy, male smell. She never wanted to let him go. She knew, though, that she must.
The only way to bring them together was to give him time. Without time to open his heart, the Knowing would be worth nothing at all.
Chapter Nineteen
After Dawn left, Yazen went over them both again. Tyff was worried about his mate. Somehow, he felt like he was letting her down, even if Dawn had just told him what was happening wasn’t his fault.
How can it be anyone else’s fault? He was furious with himself. It’s my fault, and mine alone.
“Is she okay,” he asked. He couldn’t bear the thought of her being in pain, especially when he felt it was at least partly his fault.
“She’s doing very well,” Yazen said comfortingly. “Her knee is almost healed, and I think by tomorrow, she will be ready to get up and move around.”
“Thank Syh,” breathed Tyff. Renay squeezed his hand and looked up at him with those perfect blue eyes. He felt like he was drowning, but not in her stillness. He was drowning in his own guilt.
“You didn’t do yourself any favors getting here,” Yazen warned. “You were on the verge of hurting yourself far worse.”
“I know,” she said, somewhat plaintively. “I just couldn’t help myself.”
Tyff had to let go of her hand and step away from the bed. If he had been open to her, none of this would have happened. He could have swooped down on her and tended to her every second.
This is all my fault, all of it! I hurt her. I hurt my mate.
“No, you didn’t,” she responded to his thought, surprising him yet again. “It is not your fault, Tyff. You’re just reacting to your own pain. We can work through this together.”
She reached out for him, and even though he was so at odds, he couldn’t stop himself from taking her hand.
“You have a strong female here, Tyff,” Yazen said with a smile. “She can heal you if you let her.”
“Tell me what to do,” Tyff said with quiet intensity. “You’re the healer. You tell me how to fix this.”
“I can only recommend what Dawn has already suggested,” he said gently. “Talk to each other. Have time. The Knowing will come.”
Tyff wished he could believe it. Both Yazen and Dawn seemed so certain, but Tyff could feel nothing inside.
“Are you hungry,” he asked. “Would you like to eat together?”
“Yes,” she said, eagerly. “Tell me all about your day. I can’t wait to learn all about your job.”
“Well, it’s not a job, not exactly,” he said. She smiled at him and he realized she knew it wasn’t a job in the Earth sense.
She knows more about me than I know about her. He felt off balance, as if he had suddenly lost his wings. He felt like if he let go of her, he would tumble to the floor.
He didn’t want to leave her to go to the kitchens, so he called up to have something brought to them. Yazen left soon after and Renay and Tyff were alone in the medbay.
He felt awkward at first. He had no idea what to say or how to act. Her gentle looks and sweet smiles teased him slowly out of his shell until he was talking eagerly about his duties as war master. He had ideas to improve their training programs and strengthen the chain of command, and to his amazement, she was actually interested in everything he had to say.
“So, have you lost many first-string warriors,” she asked. He shook his head.
“A few. Not many. Mostly the younger, more inexperienced ones have gone to Earth. They grew up believing they would have no mate, and even though they dedicated themselves to a military career, the urge to find their mate is far more important.”
“But not to you,” she whispered. He felt bad immediately, but she shook her head.
“Don’t feel bad Tyff. I understand. I really do. You might not feel me, but I feel you.”
He smiled at that, feeling something turning in his chest. They had finished their food and he pushed the tray away from the bed, helping Renay to lie down.
“You don’t have to stay,” she said. “I know you have a lot to do. I don’t want to get in the way.”
“You could never get in the way,” he said firmly. “I would tear apart the skies for you, Knowing or not.”
“But your duty,” she whispered, touching her heart. “Your duty is tied to who you are. I understand it is for all Preor, but something has happened here on Earth. A paradise is waiting where there is no war, at least, not like war you have known. The urge to disappear into it is very strong. A side to your nature is… almost fanciful. Your long years of war have made it even more fierce. Really, at heart, you are lovers, not fighters.”