Therefore, the mask would fall down over me. I’d plaster a smile on my face and fake it.
Fake it till you make it, right? Or, at least, I’d heard that somewhere. It was getting harder and harder to fake every time I was around Ensley. She knew me so well, and even one small slip she’d see.
Anyone else around me wouldn’t notice, but she would, and I needed to protect her; something I should’ve done six months ago. Now, I’d do it with everything inside of me.
I sighed deep, murmuring, “Pull it together, Katie. You got this.” I tried on the smile, and it looked weak, but it would have to do. Deep breaths. I could do this.
Time to get ready, or I’d be late. On an exhale, I did just that, putting a full face of makeup on, my ‘war paint’ and blow-dried my hair with a wide roller brush. Luckily, I was blessed with thick, straight hair and since it was long, I only had to dry it and let it do its thing. Most of the time it ended up in a messy bun on the top of my head when I was home. But when I was out, I let it hang down, and I put a ton of time and products in it to make it gleam. It was actually something I liked about myself, which wasn’t easy to come by, especially these days. It was just hair after all.
My apartment wasn’t anything fancy, not that I needed fancy. It was actually reminiscent of the one Ensley and I shared with my niece Remy back before she reconnected Micah, except this one only had one bedroom. A galley kitchen was in the middle of the space with the living room before it and the bedroom after. The bathroom was off to the side along with the water heater and furnace. Simple. Clean.
The space, while small, worked for me. A single woman and all. While I loved staying with Ensley at Micah’s place for the few months after the kidnapping, they needed their time together. And I needed space.
It sounded horrible, but seeing day by day what I could’ve destroyed was unbearable. The guilt was hard to bear, and it ate me up every second I was there with them. It wasn’t them. It was me. Being ‘on’ every second of the day was exhausting. My acting skills needed serious work.
Tossing on some shorts and a long-sleeved navy t-shirt in record time, I grabbed the pink and white box from the living room and darted out to my car. The Impala was all Ensley and I had for over two years when we’d left home, but since she'd hooked up with Micah, she didn’t need it because he got her a new SUV.
Therefore, the beauty was now mine. It wasn’t new, but it got me from point A to point B which was all that mattered and the fact it was paid for. One less expense to worry about.
Ensley and I lived on the same side of Sumner. She wasn’t far from my place. Close, yet not to close. I felt the need to stay near to my sister but didn’t want to be in her space.
Micah was nice enough to let me move in after the kidnapping, but four months ago I decided I needed my own place. Mentally, I was in dire straits to be alone long before I actually got out. Not because of Micah or Ensley, but for me. Too much of my life was burdening my sister, and she had this happiness. I didn’t want to taint it for them. The only bad part of that was money. I hadn’t worked while I healed physically and had very little saved up.
My sister’s man kicked ass because he loaned me some cash to get back on my feet. Money that I’d pay him back for, even if it were paycheck to paycheck. He told me he wouldn’t take it, but I’d find some way to get it back to him.
This was the first time I’d had to live on my own, and it was challenging. Before we had two incomes to cover all the bills. Now, I just had mine. Things were tight, but I made do. There might not be room for extras, but I had a roof over my head and food in my stomach which was all that mattered.
Pulling up to Micah and Ensley’s home, there were motorcycles, cars, and SUVs all over the place. Some even parked in the front yard. Guess this wasn’t going to be a small get-together. Not that I’d think anything else, though. Just hoped maybe I could catch a break. This was my life, my luck, so I should’ve known better.
Micah had already missed two birthdays of Remy’s, and no way he’d miss another. That man was so devoted to that little girl. I loved that for Ensley and Remy. His life revolved around keeping them safe and happy. What more could a woman want for her sister and niece?
Intentionally, I didn’t look for the truck. His truck. It didn’t matter if he was here or not. What we had was a mistake. A short-lived, wonderful mistake, but one all the same.
We both moved on with our lives. Ensley tried telling me things about him, but I shut her down immediately. I didn’t want to hear if he had found someone. It just hurt. Everything around him hurt.
He deserved to be happy, though. And that couldn’t and wouldn’t be with me. He deserved better than me and would find it. It would shatter what was left inside of me, but I’d deal with it, like I’d dealt with everything else in my life.
Package it up and tuck it far away in the deepest recesses of my mind and heart. It was the only way I was getting by these days. I just hoped where I tucked my feelings wasn’t about ready to burst, because I couldn’t handle allowing them to release. I feared it would crush me to dust.
Seeing each other was a given. He was a staple in Micah’s life, his best friend. Since he started prospecting for the club, it meant that as tight as Micah and he were before, they were attached at the hip now. He’d also become super important to my niece, even calling him Uncle. That alone was cause for us to inhabit the ones around us with smiles. Sure, mine were fake, but whatever. His, I really didn’t know.
He had his life, and I had mine. We were just acquaintances who happened to have slept together once upon a time. Easy to act nonchalant, right? We were consenting adults, nothing more needed to be seen in it. Push it down and be fine. Sure, just like everything else in my life. A piece of cake.
Fake. Fake. Fake.
The car door slammed shut as I juggled my purse and the box, making it up to the door. Not bothering to knock, I let myself in to a barrage of the Ravage MC men, their women, and children. All laughing and having a great time while standing around talking to one another.
Instantly, I felt like the outsider invading their space and lives. This was their domain, and they were comfortable in it. Me? I was on the outside looking in, trying to keep my feelings in check.
This shroud fell over me, and I plastered on a happy face. This was not a skill I’d wanted to master during my time on earth, yet it was like pushing a button and everything engaged. Like I was a robot going in for battle.
“Annee Kadee… I misseded you.” Remy yelled, running up to me. I set my things down on the floor, by the wall, and scooped my niece in my arms. I loved her beyond reason. She was the only thing that got me up and going on some days. My love for her had no boundaries. It was as if I’d given birth to her myself.
Her smell was calming as I held her tight. I’d been with this little bug every day of her life before I’d moved out of Micah’s place. I was by Ensley’s side when Remy was born and even cut the cord in the delivery room. I was the second person in this world to hold her, snuggle her, and kiss her head. She was my sun. Bright. Bold and beautiful.
Now my daily dose of sun had faded. Never had I realized how hard it would be to lose her. How hard it would be not to see her smiling face or her little naked butt running down the hall every day. It was as if a piece of me was gone and only clouds were in my sky without her.