PROLOGUE
Life isn’t a guarantee. Each day is precious. How you live those days is up to you. Live in the past … or look to the future. Your choice…
The phone fell out of my hand and clattered to the floor as Dryerson came at me like a bull seeing red.
I lifted the gun and fired.
Bang … bang … bang … bang … bang … click … click … click.
1
KATIE
Warm water caressed over my flesh, falling to the tiled shower floor. The clear liquid swirled into the drain at a rapid pace, reminding me of a tornado taking down everything in its path. The vortex of contained mayhem sucking, pulling, and twisting everything inside of me.
That was what my life was now. A huge, uncontrollable storm knocking me all over the place and not allowing me to settle. The power of chaos swirled through to the very depths of my soul. There was nothing left that I felt power over. The universe cursed me, and nothing was right-side up nor did I feel it ever could be again.
Everything in my world had completely flipped in the past few years, and I had no idea who I was anymore. The woman I watched in the mirror every single day was a stranger … friend, foe, lover, or loser, I couldn’t answer myself.
Did I ever know who I was?
Born of a different name and different life, I had no identity then, a feeling I once found comfort in. Years later after leaving that life, that family, it was still the same.
I tried to straighten out things around me, working to follow in my sister’s path. She had ups and some really low downs but found her happy ... eventually. For me it hadn’t come with any type of ease.
I should be happy, and for a brief moment, I thought I might have it one day. Then, like everything else the rug swept out from underneath me; only someone like me deserved this pain. This sadness, heartache, and loneliness, I earned it all.
It was as if each section of my life was a domino and couldn’t stay upright to save my life. Instead, one fell and then another, then rapidly the whole lot tumbled to the ground in a fiery heap, catching in a blaze so hot it burned me every time.
No matter what I did, nothing—and I mean nothing—came out the way I thought it would. Even when I went the opposite way thinking it would be better, it ended up being the wrong way too. Every road I traveled was bumpier than the last, the terrain so distraught I kept getting stuck or thrown off at every turn.
Six months ago, I was kidnapped, tortured, and ended up leading my sister into the same fate. Guilt wasn’t even a strong enough word for how I felt about it.
Regret.
Shame.
Responsibility.
Liability.
Remorsefulness.
And everything in between.
All of it gnawed at me, crawling under my skin every second of every day.
My heart ached every time I thought about what I had done to Ensley. Never should I have called her. Never should I have told her where I was. Never should I have allowed Daniel, a crazed madman from both our pasts, to get anywhere near Ensley. But I did. Gave my sister to him on a silver platter.
I was terrified every second in his possession, but my actions that day were increasingly selfish. He told me he’d stop my pain if I called Ensley. My body hurt everywhere from his abuse, and I just wanted it to end.
I was wrong. So very wrong.
It never ended. Death would’ve been better. See, it wasn’t just that day and enduring the physical wrath of the madman. Nope, he haunted my every moment. Like a shadow looming, he was always with me.
Marked.
Damaged.
Scarred.
That day would forever be part of me; and my decision to drag my sister into it only heightened my million regrets.
If I could go back in time and change my response, I would do it in an instant. I would’ve taken everything Daniel had to give me just so Ensley and Remy could be happy. So she wouldn’t have almost lost her life and endured one second of pain.
But I couldn’t get in my DeLorean space car and travel back in time. Where the hell was Marty McFly when you needed him? Heck, I really needed Doc. Back to the Future was a movie Ensley and I watched over and over when we first found freedom. We laughed through all the antics each time. Now, I wished fiction could be reality just this once so I could right the wrong I’d created that day. The wrong that had scarred my soul and my sister forever more.
Instead, my actions were a gaping black wound on my soul. The mark was so deep there was no way it would heal. It would never go away.
It was a forever reminder that I could’ve taken Remy’s mother away from her. That guilt was a lead weight on my shoulders, wearing me down. I could’ve destroyed her new life.
Even looking at Ensley and Micah now together, happy, loving, and living their best lives didn’t elevate the pain I felt every single day for my choices. If anything, it made them worse knowing they could’ve gotten to this place faster if it weren’t for me.
Truthfully, I was utterly surprised my sister could even look me in the eyes and not wish she could spear flames out of them, killing me on contact. I deserved it, yet every time she saw me she smiled like I wasn’t the biggest screw-up in her life.
She had never blamed me. Never put anything on my shoulders about that day. She didn’t have to, though, because I put enough there for the both of us. I was barely standing upright as it was and felt like at any moment I’d be crushed by the weight of my regret. Each day was pulling me under further.
Brushing my hair back with my hands, I turned the water off, rang out my hair, and grabbed a towel off the rack.
Drying off took no time at all; the scratchiness of the cotton fabric against my skin was nowhere near the punishment I deserved. It would need to be a cheese grater to even touch the surface. It would only add to the marks on my body that would never go away. Wrapping my hair up came with ease from years of practice.
The mirror was covered in a wet fog, and I swiped it with my forearm making an arc and removing the condensation.
The view stopped me in my tracks just as it did every other day. The woman staring back at me, I didn’t know her. She was a stranger, a ghost from the past. She wasn’t me. Did I really know this woman’s likes and dislikes? Or where to go with my life? Or even that I had a life in the first place?
A tear rolled down my cheek. Then another. And another. Silent but so very powerful. Each slicing at a piece of my soul.
I had no idea how to stop the perpetual cycle rotating in my head every minute of every day telling me the same things over and over again.
I was worthless.
Useless.
Pointless.
Inconsequential.
I had no significance whatsoever. Sad thing was, this started when I was born and had never stopped. If anything, it was worse now...
The hazel eyes that gazed back at me were worn, tired, frustrated and exhausted, reflecting what I felt on the inside. Which wasn’t good.
I’d taken great pains in masking my emotions these past few months. Difficult wasn’t even the half of it, but necessary. My sister would worry, and she didn’t deserve that. She needed to be with her family and live the life she’d always wanted. Her worry of me would be a lost effort, and I’d rather she put that energy into Remy and Micah.