Therefore, when I saw her, it was all about Remy. Every second I could be with her, I did. There was no sadness; all of that was swiped clean away from my girl. It was living in the moment with her. Loving her and letting her know it whenever possible.
“Missed you too, bug.”
Remy pulled away. “It’s my birfday!” She cheered, and I smiled wide, this time for real because Remy was everything. She could make me smile on the worst of days. Not one smile or laugh with her was ever faked because I never needed to.
“It is. And how old are you?”
Remy held up her fingers, all of them. Then with the other hand started pressing fingers down one at a time like they were on springs ready to pop up at any time. It took her a bit to get the three fingers to stay upright; and I smiled when her pinky popped back up. She pressed it down again, her little tongue out in concentration as she pressed her thumb to hold down the pinky.
So much concentration and hard work on her part.
“Feee!” she said happily, showing me her three fingers proudly.
“Yes, I see that. You did a great job. Have you been practicing?”
She nodded. “I has Twollz take,” she said grabbing my hand, pulling me through the room and to the dining room table. I gave smiles and nods to those in our path, taking in the explosion of decorations everywhere. Trolls here and Trolls there. Yes, they were everywhere, even the lights. It was if the movie threw up all over the house.
What I hadn’t missed waking up to every morning was the Trolls on every surface of the apartment. Did they really need to come out with another movie? Wasn’t one torture enough? Nope, they had to go on a World Tour. Another one of Remy’s favorites that she watched, repeatedly.
When we made it to our destination, Remy looked up, still pulling on my hand, and smiled proudly. “Tee … Ooppy, Anch, Iggie…” She kept going, naming the different Trolls one by one.
It amazed me how much more she was talking now. She had a tendency to substitute letters or drop some altogether, but she was learning. It was yet another something that I’d missed.
“It is awesome.”
Remy nodded as I heard behind me, “Glad you came.” I turned around and into my sister’s arms. I’d missed her too. Not having her by my side was another huge change. Since her birth, we’d been side by side. Always living together. Now, she was getting everything she’d wanted in this world. I was so happy for her. She deserved every bit of happiness available.
“Of course. Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
Two little arms wrapped around my leg as I pulled away from Ensley and looked down at the little bug. “Dids you gets me Twollz?” she asked, a twinkle glowing in her eye.
Another smile came to my lips. “Well, I can’t tell you that. You have to wait until you open your presents.”
“Pweeezzee…” She put her little hands together in front of her, begging. Had to admit it was so much cuter when I didn’t see it every day and I almost—yes, almost—gave into her, but somehow resisted. I didn’t want to ruin the surprise.
“Nope, bug.” Ensley answered for me, obviously seeing my struggle. “Go find your Daddy and see if the burgers are ready.”
Remy pouted but took off into the room, getting high fives from some of the brothers on her way. She really fit into this world with all these people. Her family opened up so wide. She had so many to love and protect her. I loved that for her. It wasn’t a fake made-up kind of love like Ensley and I grew up with. No, the love Remy was blessed with was tried and true.
“I don’t know if she’s actually going to find him,” Ensley said. “But at least she’s not beggin’ to know her presents. She’s been doin’ that with everyone as they came in.”
“And here I thought I was special; thanks, Ens,” I teased.
She hip-checked me, jolting me to the side. “You were one of the very few she led by the hand to see her cake. So be happy.”
“How about you? Happy?” I asked her, trying everything in my power not to scan the room. It was so hard and took every bit of strength to just stay focused on my sister. There was this pull to him. I knew he was here. I felt him when I walked in. One wasn’t supposed to feel another human just by their presence, but even when I hugged Remy I sensed him.
It was this electric connection that I’d tried to turn off, but never could. The darn strings that tethered us were always pulling at me. I’d tried cutting them, but it never lasted long.
“Completely. I can’t wait for you to find this.” Her smile was so genuine, and inside I was crying a thousand tears, dying a bit, each word cutting through me like a sharp blade. Finding what she had would never be an option for me.
Contentment. Maybe. But to find the happiness Ensley and Micah had—wasn’t possible. That was a ship that had sailed then sunk in the ocean of broken dreams. While I loved her for wanting me to be happy, she didn’t realize I didn’t deserve it. Ensley always wanted to see the good in me, but I was far from it. It would be my consequence for my actions toward her. My penance for what I’d done.
I said nothing. There wasn’t any way for me to reply without lying through my teeth, but I did nod, hoping to placate her.
It was enough, thank goodness, as she said, “Come on. Come help me with the food.”
Ensley grabbed my hand and pulled me through the people who I said ‘hi’ to briefly. Ensley had always been closer to the Ravage MC brood than I had. She clicked instantly with Austyn and they ended up being two peas in a pod.
Jealous. Yes. I was, but never said anything to anyone about it; and no one had ever asked me either. Guess I’d been a master of hiding my emotions even back then. Another trait I'd learned early in life and continued doing.
When we got here in Sumner, I’d kept to myself, going to work and then being home with Remy and Ensley. Now it was the same except for the Remy and Ensley part.
Ensley was the opposite, fitting right into their fold. She tried to get me more active in the MC, like inviting me to parties and such. If I went, which was super rare, I stood in the background, fading in. If I didn’t, I’d stay home in my pajamas which I liked much more.
Me, Bailey Sarian, and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s was what I considered a good night. One would think that with everything I’d been through that true crime stories wouldn’t be at the top of my list to watch. Yet, I was fascinated by it.
“Can you open the black olives and put them in that bowl?” Ensley pointed to where she wanted them, and I got busy, loving the fact I had a task to focus on and not the room at large. I understood it was a copout but didn’t care either. It gave me a slight breather.
“Hey, Katie, how ya doin’?” Austyn said in front of me.
I looked up, giving a small smile. “Good. You?”
“Same. We haven’t seen you in a while.” Austyn was never one for beating around the bush. She was straight forward in everything she did. This was no different, and she was right. I’d avoided anything club related these past six months. I might be Ryker’s cousin by blood, but that didn’t mean I was one of them … of their family.
I was the sister of an ol’ lady. That was it. I had no role in the club life. Had no purpose. In that I had no right to be around them at get-togethers that didn’t center around Ensley or Remy. I wasn’t part of their close-knit family.