“No, don’t do that. Don’t walk away from me.
“I have to meet with Hank. I told you.”
“Forget that right now. This is our first speedbump, and we have to get through it. Every couple has disagreements.”
“We’re not fighting. I get it.” He understood that she was still under the thumb of her parents. And once she got back to London, they’d suck her back into her fancy lifestyle with balls and galas and powerful men proposing to her. They had that kind of power over her. Obviously.
I guarantee she won’t be pining for a cattle ranch in Wyoming.
It wasn’t like he hadn’t anticipated this. He might’ve hoped for a different outcome, but it was always going to end with her leaving.
“So, we’re okay?” Her tone was firm, her eyes pleading. “We’re going to do long distance?”
“No.” Jesus, the way she flinched, as though he’d yanked the carpet out from under her feet, was almost enough to make him change his mind. He didn’t want to hurt her. Then again, the kindest thing he could do was tell the truth. Rip the Band-Aid off. “That’s not going to work.”
“What won’t work?”
“Long distance. I’ve got a ranch to run. A team to own. Plus, with you in London, there’s a seven-hour time difference. When you have time to talk, I’ll be going to work. I’m just being realistic.”
“No, you’re not. You’re acting like a robot right now.” Her eyes had gone wild, and she grabbed his wrist, giving him a shake. “You just said you loved me. You don’t bail at the first sign of trouble. God, Declan. We’ll be like any normal couple. We’ll both work and still be together.” Her features wrenched in anxiety, and he could only guess he looked dull because that’s how he felt inside.
He wasn’t the most self-aware guy on the planet. He could admit that. But he did know one thing about himself. He couldn’t wait around and hope that Phinny would come back to him.
And just like that, he came back into his body, felt the rightness of his world again. “I do love you. And maybe if we’d had more time together, it could’ve grown deep enough to weather a hit as big as this one. But we’ve only known each other four weeks.” Everything he said made sense. “Play time’s over. Now, we go back to regular programming.” And yet…nothing was sticking. It was like he was hovering over the moment instead of living it. His thoughts drifted in his mind like dandelion fluff.
“Declan.” Her face went red, her tone shrill. “Stop it. We’re not breaking up. This is not my fault. It’s not my choice.”
He’d do just about anything to take that hysterical look out of her eyes.
But in that moment, he had nothing to give.
“Hank’s waiting.” And then, he walked out of the room.
Hair in her eyes, perspiration beading over her lip, Phinny sat on top of the suitcase, jamming her butt down, trying to force the zipper to move. But it wouldn’t budge.
Something else had to go. She’d already taken out the shorts and trainers, but she couldn’t part with the Wild Billy T-shirt, the boots, or the pink cowboy hat. Toppling onto the mattress, she pulled off her ballet flats. She’d have to wear the damn boots and hat on the plane. Her mum would have a fit when she saw her, but she didn’t care.
She didn’t care about much of anything. Yesterday, after Declan had dumped her, she’d gone to bed, curled into the fetal position, and bawled her eyes out. Despair had sucked her in, and she hadn’t been able to find her way out for hours.
Until it struck her that she’d have to see him in the morning. With her bloodshot, puffy eyes, chapped lips, and snotty nose, she’d get to watch him make his smoothie as if he hadn’t carved her heart out with a spoon.
Nope. Not going to happen. So, she’d called for a car, taken a shower, and packed. In twenty minutes, she’d leave this place she’d come to love.
What choice did she have? She had to take the job, and Declan wouldn’t do long distance.
God, she hated him. Hated him so much. For being a coward. For being stubborn.
For not loving me enough to fight for me.
Hot tears streaked down her cheeks, leaving her skin, her heart, her soul, blistered and raw. Just go. Get out of here. Shoving her feet back into the flats, she flipped the top of the suitcase open and tossed out the top layer of clothing. Out went the stupid boots she’d never wear in London, out went the hat already misshapen from being forced into her luggage.
Just fuck it. Without her new clothes, the bag easily zipped up. As she took one last look around the bedroom, sorrow sank its claws into her heart. For the first time in her life, she’d known true, genuine, happiness, and now…the asshole hockey boy had ripped it from her.
It was still dark—not even five in the morning—but she wanted to be gone before he woke up. She had just enough time to feed Tigger his stupid egg.
God, she would miss him. She would miss the chickens. And Tina. And Hank.
Dammit. Why did Declan have to be such a jerk? Each step took her further from her source of happiness and closer to the life she dreaded going back to. By the time she reached Declan’s closed door, she’d worked herself into a tizzy. She stood there, listening. She wanted to beg him to change his mind. She wanted to tell him he could fuck right off, that this was her dad’s ranch, and she could stay on it if she wanted to.
But she couldn’t because she’d given it to him.
Anger rose like a banshee, the shriek in her head so loud, she was sure the whole world could hear it. He got to stay in her house, carry on without her like she’d never existed. He hadn’t said goodbye. Or cried or shouted or even looked sad.
He hadn’t felt anything at all.
That’s not okay. She flung the door open, ready to rip into him but found him curled up in bed, facing away from her. Unmoving. Covers pulled up to his ears.
It was like turning the burner off on the stove, all the boiling anger went flat. Her heart ached for this man. Because under the scruff and tats, the hard muscles honed by ruthless discipline and exercise, hid a man who’d faced losses so staggering, he’d stopping feeling anything.
Until me. Leaving her suitcase in the hallway, she stepped into the room. “I love you, you butthead. I love you more than I ever thought possible. I didn’t even know I could feel this much love.”
A prickle of awareness hit the back of her neck. Her body went into high alert, and she didn’t know why. Until she noticed his reflection in the window he faced. His eyes were open. He was listening.
“And you love me, too.” His total lack of response was killing her. “But I’m not talking to the man I love right now. I’m talking to the little boy who’s standing at the mailbox waiting for his parents to come home.” God. The image was so powerful, she went weak. “You’re paralyzed by fear. Your parents, Sam, Kurt…even your friends disappeared in the blink of an eye. I get it, I do. You have no control over when the people you love will be taken from you. I might be taken from you, too. And so, you play dead inside. But you’re not dead, Declan. I know that because I’ve felt your passion, your love, your happiness, your joy. And it’s because of me. I make you feel all those things, and because of that, everything’s changed. You’re never going to be dead inside again because I live there. And I’ve got bad news for you, hockey boy. Now, it’s going to be more painful to live without me than to take the risk of loving me. Love is risky. Life is risky. It’s that way for all of us. But I’m worth the risk, Declan.” She stood there, not even hoping for a response. Just letting it all sink in.