She missed Declan so much. Missed everything about her life on the ranch, even mucking the stalls. She’d never have imagined how good it would feel to make her own food and clean her own messes—to be fully engaged in her life.
And, frankly, she didn’t want to pry a vacation home out of rich people. She didn’t want to flatter and smile and work the room. She wanted to make sure Tigger didn’t steal her hens’ eggs. She wanted to see if the pumpkins she’d planted had grown. And she very much wanted to work at her farm stand and chat with the people who stopped to see what she was selling.
And that was the difference. She was good at chatting and socializing because she liked getting to know people. She wanted to sell Carl’s honey because it brought his work to a wider audience and because she liked him. With her customers, she wasn’t pretending to be nice or gracious. She wasn’t trying to get something from them.
“What’s the matter with you tonight?” her mum whispered harshly.
“I don’t want to be here.” The words slipped right out of her mouth.
Her mum shot her a look. Unfortunately, so did the Duke of Kent. She could’ve sworn the sides of his mouth tipped up. She curtseyed for him, noting there were only a few more people, and then it would be time to work the room. She had a list of potential donors to seek out.
After the duke passed by, her mum whispered, “Pull yourself together. This is your job.”
“I know. I guess I just don’t want this life anymore.”
“We’re not discussing it here.”
But she’d reached her breaking point. The receiving line was nearly done anyway, so she left and made her way into the ballroom. The scent of warm dough and roasted meat sailed by, and Phinny’s mouth watered. “May I?” she asked the formally dressed waiter. She took one and bit into the gruyere, sage, and prosciutto wrapped in a flaky, twisted crust. Delicious. She hadn’t taken a napkin, so she licked her lips to catch the crumbs that stuck to her lipstick.
Only after swallowing did she notice her mum standing beside her with a horrified expression. “You’re not on a farm, Seraphina. What’s next, licking your fingers?”
Slowly, Phinny slid one into her mouth, hollowing her cheeks as she sucked.
“Is everything all right?” Andrew asked as he joined them. “Why’ve you left the receiving line? And why are you licking your fingers?”
She was being childish instead of truthful. It was time to own it. “I didn’t think it was possible to change so completely in just a month, but…it is. I did.” She gave them an apologetic smile. “Mum, Andrew, I’m sorry, but I can’t do this anymore. I’m exhausted. All the rules, the formalities, the endless dressing up…and for what? What’s the point?”
Andrew sighed. “The point is lifelong friendships and business relationships.”
“The Honorable Judge and Mrs. Colin Reading,” the announcer called.
What had she told Declan? Now that he knew what love and happiness felt like, there was no going back? Well, the same applied to her. She simply couldn’t do it anymore. “I love you both. So much. But I’ve spent my whole life trying to be everything you’ve wanted me to be, and it just doesn’t make me happy.”
“What are you saying?” Her mum looked genuinely concerned.
When another waiter passed by, Phinny grabbed a crab cake and popped it into her mouth. “Mm. Thank you.”
“Perhaps, now is not the time for this conversation.” Andrew gave a meaningful lift of his eyebrows. Just over his shoulder, the Lumleys were holding court with the mayor of London.
“I just told you I’m not happy, and if you’d really heard me, you wouldn’t care about what other people think. But it’s not your fault. It’s mine. I’m the one who’s been smiling and wearing pretty bows in my hair when all I’ve ever wanted is for you to love me for who I am.”
“Of course, I love you, Phinny. You must know that.”
“I know that you love the sides of myself I show you because I work so hard for your approval.”
“Where is this coming from?” His broad shoulders stiffened.
“I would rather give you my inheritance than work for people who would kick you out of their social circle just because I didn’t marry their son. Or seek revenge by pulling their contracts.”
“Miss Thelonia Birtwistle,” the announcer called.
Her parents stood there with owlish eyes, obviously having no idea what to make of her. But she’d never been more clear-headed in her entire life. “Honestly, if something as basic as declining a job offer is enough to cut you out of your business and social circles, what kind of relationships are they? Should you really have to try so hard to live by all these horrid rules? You run a successful business, so why not find new contacts? Anything so you don’t have to live the rest of your lives compromising your dignity…your happiness like this.” But a deeper truth popped out, spreading slowly through her like warm, sweet caramel. “Mum, I know you didn’t like Calamity, but I love it, and do you want to know why?” She said it with the first genuine sense of peace in the three weeks since she’d been home. “I like who I am there. And I don’t have to be a doctor or a lawyer to feel I have value. Sure, I’m good at pulling together auction items, but what I really excel at is just being me.”
Oh, yes. A fizzy warmth spread through her. That’s it right there.
It’s enough just to be me.
“Phinny, darling…” Her mum looked to Andrew as though seeking understanding. “We never pushed her into medicine or law?”
Using the tip of her left shoe, Phinny lowered the strap of her right one and stepped out of it. Ah, freedom. She did the same with the other. Standing four and a half inches lower, she smiled. “No, you didn’t. You didn’t encourage me to be or do anything. And I guess the message I got was that I had no talent or skills. And because you made me dance so hard for Andrew, I wound up losing myself completely.” Her mum was distraught, and Andrew was preoccupied with money and survival and only wanted her to do her job—something she understood only too well—so she needed to leave before she made a scene in front of his friends and colleagues. “But it’s all right. I’ve found myself now.” She patted her mum’s arm as if to say You needn’t worry. “I’m going to talk to Mrs. Lumley. Actually, I’ll tell you first.” She reached for both of their hands. “Mummy, Drewzy, I’m going to give my notice. I miss Declan and my hens and Leddy and Glori and all my new friends, and I really want to open up my store because while I might not be a businesswoman, I have so many people who want to help me in Calamity.”
“You promised you’d do it this year.” She’d never seen Andrew lose his composure, but the elegant man was sweating. “You know the cost to me.”
“I do, and I won’t leave until they’ve found my replacement. And, really, how hard can it be? It’s just putting together auction items.” Shoving her feet back into her pumps, she wrapped her arms around her stepfather and whispered in his ear. “I can’t see Mr. Lumley going to the trouble of finding a new linen supplier just because my plans changed, but if he does, I’ll help you in any way I can. Just say the word and I’ll transfer money into your account. I won’t let you lose anything.” When she started to pull away, his arms tightened.