“It’s okay,” I finally said reluctantly when he didn’t speak up or make a move. I tried to hide my disappointment. “No matter what happens, it’s still you and me. Always.”
I realized we were swaying slightly, a dance with no music. It was enough for now; it had to be.
After several minutes, I considered letting him go, pretending like nothing had changed between us and we were still platonic best friends, bros and nothing more. But then I felt his warm fingertips sneak under my hoodie and press lightly on the bare skin of my back.
I said a silent prayer, begging any higher power to let me have this, to let me pleasure him and see him let go.
The waiting was unnerving. Every muscle coiled in my body, poised to respond as soon as my brain could determine if and when he crossed the line from comforting touch to sexual touch.
It seemed to take forever, but then two things happened at the same time.
His fingertips moved beneath my waistband, and his hard cock brushed against my leg.
That was all I needed, so I pounced.
12
JULIAN
I was crazy to consider this, I knew that. I’d returned home from Mikey and Tiller’s determined to be strong and logical, to preserve my friendship with Parker at all costs.
But then I’d seen Parker looking at that note he’d written me a billion years ago, and his whole face had glowed with love and affection, and then he’d called me sweetheart, and really, what was I supposed to do with that?
How many people who were presented with everything they’d always wanted had the strength to say, “Nah, I’m good”?
Not me. Not right now. Not when this beautiful soul was overflowing with love and tenderness for me at the same time his perfect, athletic body held me firmly in his sexy grip.
Seeing the Grindr twink snuggled up on my sofa throwing flirtatious glances at my person had turned my nervous energy into lightning bolts of jealousy. Parker was mine. Mine. And all I could think was how stupid I’d have to be to let anyone else have him.
There wasn’t time to think about Erin and how I’d foolishly “let” her have him for the past decade or so. There wasn’t time to talk to Parker about the dozens of things we really needed to discuss. There wasn’t time for much of anything other than staking my claim however temporary it might be.
And I knew it would be temporary. By getting naked again with Parker, I was throwing us both into a thorny bramble that would be nearly impossible to escape without multiple points of pain. But for once, I didn’t want to make the logical, considered decision. I wanted to be selfish and spontaneous. I wanted to throw off the heavy shackles of responsibility and expectation I’d clamped around my feelings for Parker in a vain attempt to tame my raw, possessive need and wild longing into something simpler, and safer, and more palatable.
If Parker wanted me, then he was going to get me.
All of me.
God help him.
I found the elastic edge of his boxer briefs and slid my fingers under it. My heart thundered, and my dick hardened enough to make me shift my legs. My brain didn’t have the capacity for the words, but my fingers had the capacity to explore, and my mouth had the capacity to taste. I was acutely conscious of the throbbing in my groin, the warm exhales of his breath, the way his back ended in the delicious rounded muscles of an incredible ass.
As soon as I crossed the line, Parker exploded into action. His head turned sharply to seek my lips, and his hands clutched the back of my sweater and began to yank it up. Short curses escaped his mouth that almost made me laugh. “Thank fucking god… holy fuck… thought you… mpfh… taste good. Love you. Love this. Fucking let me… yeah…”
Before I knew it, my chest was bare, my pants were open, and I’d managed to sneak a finger down into the hot cleft between his cheeks. That wasn’t how things usually went for me with guys. I’d always been the one in charge. I topped. I controlled.
I dominated.
“Park,” I said, gasping for breath between hungry kisses.
“No, no stopping. Don’t you dare.” He yanked at my pants, mumbling curses when they caught on my boots.
“Not stopping, but—”
“No buts.” He leaned over and tossed one of my boots toward the door before grabbing the other. I gripped his bare back to keep from falling over.
He made me so happy. Parker was light and love, fun and exploration. He’d always pierced my darkness with rays of blinding sun. If he wanted to try this, I would give it to him. Obviously, it was no sacrifice on my part since I’d fantasized about it thousands of times, but he didn’t know that. He thought I had one foot out the door.
“I’m here,” I reassured him. “Not leaving. I want this.”
Parker finished pulling off my clothes and stood up to face me again. “You sure?” He looked nervous about my answer, as if I could and would pull the rug right out from under him.
I couldn’t bring myself to say the words, but I nodded. After a pause to make sure I wasn’t going to say anything more, he leaned in and kissed me. This time, it was soft and sweet. “Thank fuck,” he breathed against my lips, running his palms up my chest to my shoulders. His hands had a slight tremble that made my heart hurt for him.
Parker was nervous.
I wondered how he’d feel when he realized who was going to run this show. Would it freak him out? Make him realize he didn’t want to be with a man after all?
Was I willing to be less dominant for fear of scaring him off?
The answer to that was a resounding no. I felt deep down that Parker needed someone to take him in hand, lead him through this in a way that left no room for second-guessing.
“Take your clothes off,” I said. “And go get on the bed.”
Instead of the curl of amused smile Parker usually gave me when I bossed him around about other things, he opened his mouth in a surprised little “o” shape.
I lifted my eyebrows. “Listen to what I’m saying, Parks.”
He turned toward the bedroom with a muttered “I’ve never been this hard in my life and you expect me to walk?”
I bit my tongue against a laugh. “If you want something badly enough…” I teased.
When he got to the bedroom, he pulled off the rest of his clothes and crawled onto the bed, flashing his delectable bare ass at me.
That ass is mine.
I wasn’t at all sure what he was up for, but I knew I needed to get my hands on his ass, if nothing else.
He turned around and reached for my wrist to yank me closer. “I want it badly,” he said in a rough voice. “Really fucking badly.”
I climbed on top of him and reveled in the sensation of sliding my bare body across his. Rough body hair, hard muscular planes, the fat roll of his dick… all of it made me dizzy with indecision. Where the hell was I supposed to begin? I wanted it all.
I started by kissing his freckled shoulder and then moving down to take one of his nipples into my mouth. I kept my eyes on him to watch his reactions, but his eyes were glassy enough to reassure me we were still okay.
My hands couldn’t get enough of him. His body was familiar to me—we’d undressed in front of each other many times in locker rooms and at sleepovers, pool parties, and drunken dares—but I’d never been allowed to truly look.