“I want to believe you. I really do. But if you stay and then decide that Matt is…”
“Matt and I are over.” The words were final. And I felt them. Matt was happy. I deserved to be happy too. “I’m not going to walk away from us. I promise.” I was good at keeping my promises. A lot better than Matt was. And I wouldn’t break this one. As soon as I’d jumped in Miller’s arms outside this morning, it felt like my heart had started beating again. Yes, Matt used to make me feel alive. Before he was happy that I was dead. But now? Miller made me feel everything. “I promise,” I said again. I stood up on my tiptoes and kissed him.
“Don’t break me again,” he said against my lips.
I wouldn’t. I knew how easily hearts could break. And I’d never do that again. “Nunca.” I kissed him again. “I love you.”
And when he kissed me instead of saying it back…I realized that he hadn’t said it yet. He had back at the beach house. He’d told me he loved me. He’d asked me to choose him. And I hadn’t.
I loved him. I knew that now. I’d given my heart time to heal. I’d taken the time I needed. But maybe he needed more time.
That was okay. I wasn’t going anywhere.
Chapter 32
Friday
I slowly opened my eyes. My head was on Miller’s chest and he was breathing softly. Each rise and fall of his chest made me smile more. I couldn’t imagine being any happier. Although…there was something I wanted to do. Well, two things. But the first thing had to wait until the snowplow came through and we could go to the store. Which left the second thing.
“Miller, wake up.” I kissed his cheek. “It’s a snow day.”
He groaned.
“Come on.” I lightly slapped his butt and sat up. I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d gotten to play in the snow. Sometime before my mom had gotten sick.
I climbed out of bed and opened up my backpack, knowing full well that I didn’t have anything warm enough for the snow. Miller had wandered out to my car to grab it last night. He’d come back with his teeth chattering. If we weren’t going to touch my dad’s money, then I was going to need to get a job as soon as the snow cleared. Miller needed a warmer winter jacket. And I needed one too.
I started rummaging through his drawers. I found another pair of sweatpants and layered them with the ones I’d borrowed yesterday.
“What are you doing?” Miller said with a laugh. He was sitting up in bed rubbing his eyes.
“It’s a snow day.”
“So you’ve said.”
“Which means we’re going out and playing in the snow.” I tossed a pair of sweatpants at him.
“It’s freezing out there.”
“It won’t be cold when we’re running around.” I pulled on one of his sweatshirts.
“We need to get you some appropriate clothes.”
I laughed. “What I need is for you to get your big butt outside.”
He just sat in bed, smiling at me.
“Come on!” I hurried out of the room. I figured I only had 30 minutes tops before I was completely frozen. But that was still 30 minutes of fun.
It took us a little time to be able to walk outside. We pushed the snow away from the back door. But once we cleared a small path, we realized that it hadn’t snowed quite as much as we thought. It had just drifted against the house. There was only about half a foot of beautiful white snow. I ventured out, ignoring how cold my sneakers were in the snow. It was the perfect amount of snow to…oof. A snowball hit me right in the back. “Hey!” I turned toward Miller just as he threw another snowball right at my stomach. Oh, it was on. “You are so dead.”
He laughed as I ran after him. But he wasn’t running very fast. It was almost like he wanted me to reach him. I jumped onto his back.
He pretended to lose his balance and toppled us both onto the ground. And I had no idea how he did it, but I somehow wound up on top of him, staring down at his smiling face.
He started to make snow angels even though my entire weight was pressing down on him.
It was just like how he’d acted at the beach. Playful and fun. But instead of sand all over him, it was snow.
“I love you.” The words just kept spilling out of me. Like I had no control over them.
He stopped making snow angels and grabbed both sides of my face with his snow-covered gloves. He kissed me. He kissed me like he loved me.
But…he still didn’t say it back.
After everything we’d been through…I got it. I did. And yet…did his feelings change? Matt’s feelings had changed… Stop.
Just like I wasn’t sure why I kept repeatedly telling him I loved him, I had no idea why I grabbed a handful of snow and stuffed it down his hoodie.
He yelped.
But I was already off him and running down to the lake.
“New rule!” he yelled after me. “No snow under our clothes!”
“There’s no rules in this house!” I tapped the frozen lake with my toe. It seemed solid enough. I stepped onto it and my feet slipped. I landed with a thud on my butt. Ow.
Miller slid onto the ice next to me but stayed gracefully on his feet. “No rules in this house, huh?” He put his hand out for me.
I grabbed it and pulled him down on top of me.
He laughed and caught himself so he didn’t smush me. “So our home is a lawless one?”
“Yes.” God, I loved when he was on top of me like this. It made me forget that we were in the snow in very inappropriate snow clothes. I didn’t even feel cold. Hell, it made me forget I was outside at all. And all I wanted to do was wrap my legs around his waist.
“So you wouldn’t mind if I…I don’t know…did this?” He picked up a big handful of snow and I dodged it right before he tried to shove it right in my face.
I squealed and tried to stand up on the ice, but slipped again. I tried to crawl away on my hands and knees.
But he grabbed me from behind, pulling me against him.
And I was instantly turned on. Him behind me like that. Holding me around the waist, my ass tight to the front of him. I stayed completely still.
“Lawless,” he said, one gloved hand slid to my hip, holding me in place. “That’s what you want?”
I swallowed hard. “Yes.”
“So you wouldn’t mind if I did this?” He pushed my double layers of sweatpants down, exposing my ass to the cold.
“No rules,” I said. “So why would I mind?” I heard his glove drop to the ground.
“What about this?” He cupped my ass in his hand.
I moaned. “That hardly feels lawless. This backyard is private. No one can see us. Who cares if my butt is out?”
“You’re right. No one’s watching.” His fingers slipped between my legs, this cold thumb brushing against my clit. “How about this?” His voice sounded tight.
I moaned. I was really liking lawless Miller.
His index finger slid inside of me. “Fuck, you’re so warm.”
I laughed, because it was a ridiculous thing to say. “Warm, really? That’s very sexy pillow talk.”
“Does it look like we’re snuggled up in bed right now? And you just shoved snow down my shirt. I’m fucking freezing.” He moved his finger faster, making me lose my train of thought for a moment.