“When you crawled into my bed at night? Right after I’d jacked off thinking about you? Did you want me then?”
“Yes,” I panted.
“Did you want me to fuck you with my fingers? Did you want me to eat your delicious pussy?”
Jesus. “Yes,” I moaned.
“How long have you wanted that?”
“Forever.”
He laughed.
God. I couldn’t be mad at him for laughing. I was so fucking close. So fucking…oh God. Yes. I felt myself clench around his fingers.
The guttural noise that escaped his throat made the sensation a hundred times better.
I’d come imagining this before. The real thing was better. So much freaking better. Miller seemed to like handing out orgasms. I was just about to beg for more when his fingers fell from my skin.
I opened my eyes and he was sitting on the floor, staring up at me on the couch.
“These look better on you,” he said and lifted the sweatpants back in place.
Despite what we’d just done…he looked…distant. “Not accurate. They look amazing on you.”
He leaned forward, resting his chin in his hand as he stared at me. “This was the best Christmas present I could possibly ask for.”
“Then why do you look so sad?”
He continued staring into my eyes. “I don’t want to be your backup plan, kid.”
“You’re not.”
He sighed and turned away from me, staring at the fire. “You deflected the question before. Have you been with him this whole time?”
“Miller…”
“Have you?”
I swallowed hard. “No.”
He didn’t respond. He just continued to stare at the fire.
I slid off the couch to sit next to him. I didn’t want to talk about what happened with Matt right now. I just wanted to enjoy being with Miller. And it was Christmas. We could go into more details some other day. “I was in California trying to figure out what I wanted. End of story.”
He looked down at me. “You were gone for months, Brooklyn.”
“I had a lot of stuff to figure out.” I smiled, hoping it would make him smile too.
It did not.
I needed to diffuse the tension in the room. “Come on,” I said and held out my hand to him. “You owe me about a thousand dances.”
That finally made him smile. He grabbed my hand and let me help him up. “A thousand dances, huh? That could take a lifetime.”
“That’s kind of what I’m hoping.”
Chapter 30
Thursday
Miller turned up the music as I put the monkey bread in the oven.
“I can’t believe you had all the ingredients.” It was really quite shocking given that Miller’s kitchen wasn’t stocked very well. But I didn’t need a fancy turkey feast for Christmas dinner. I’d always loved breakfast for dinner. And the fact that he had all the ingredients for my favorite Christmas staple… It meant that he’d hoped I’d come. That he was longing for me too. And I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face.
“Of course I had the ingredients. Just in case.” He pulled me in close and dipped me to the music.
I laughed as he pulled me back up. There was a funny song about reindeer blasting through the speakers, but I was glad we were slow dancing. It was like I couldn’t get close enough to him. I was starved for his touch. I wanted to hold him and stare at him and kiss his lips constantly. And this time, I didn’t want to mess anything up. “I want to get this right.”
“What do you mean this?” He pushed some hair away from his eyes.
“Us.” I reached up and put my fingers through his hair. He used to always keep it shaved close to his skull. But he must have let it grow out over the past several months. It looked good on him. But it also looked like the hair in his eyes annoyed him a bit. “Do you want me to give you a haircut?”
He laughed. “You’re changing the subject again.”
I hadn’t even realized I was doing that. I sighed and put my head on his shoulder as we swayed slowly to the music. “I want to get us right this time. I’m sorry I ever let you walk away.” This wasn’t coming out right. “I mean, I’m sorry I pushed you away. I’m just…sorry.”
“I’m sorry too.”
I pulled back. “What are you sorry for?”
“Asking you to come with me when I knew you needed closure. Not letting you have your space to figure it out. I wasn’t trying to pressure you. It was hard for me. Watching you fall for someone else. Watching you choose someone else. Watching you miss someone else.”
It was hard for me too. Missing Matt. I blinked fast, trying to keep the images of him pushed to the back of my mind where they belonged. I was here with Miller. I was present with him. I was choosing him. “I missed you when I was in California. Desperately.”
He smiled. “I missed you too.” His hands slid to my ass.
I laughed. “You seem to like my butt in these pants.”
He looked down at the baggy sweatpants. “I like you in anything, Brooklyn.”
I pushed my fingers through his hair again. “I like you in anything too. And nothing.”
He smiled down at me.
“If I confess something, do you promise you won’t think I’m weird?”
“Well…how weird is it?”
I ran my fingers down to the back of his neck. I’d had a lot of time to ponder this. And I wasn’t sure what it said about me. But it was the truth. I was so tired of hiding from the truth. “As soon as I was free…I wished I was back in my cage.”
“Is that what you felt like? That you were in a cage?”
“At the time, yes.”
He pressed his lips together.
I wasn’t sure what I was expecting him to say. I’d basically just told him I’d felt trapped with him. But that wasn’t how I’d meant it. “I guess I needed to leave it to know how much I liked it.”
He raised his eyebrow. “Are you talking about liking me or the beach house?”
“Both I guess. Mostly you.” I smiled up at him even though I was suddenly sad. “I think I just felt guilty being happy there with you. It was like I was torturing myself. Even though I’m pretty sure I had everything I ever wanted right in front of me. Think about how much fun we could have had if I’d just given in to temptation.”
“I still had fun with you, kid.”
I stuck my tongue out at him.
He laughed and lifted me up so that I was sitting on the edge of the counter. He stood between my legs. The height from the counter made us eye level. I felt…balanced. Even. Like I was staring back at my equal. I’d never really felt that way with Matt. He never meant to…but he made me feel lesser. Even once I got my new last name, I still wasn’t good enough for him. But with Miller? I breathed in his exhales as we just stared at each other. I’d never felt such a…rush. I’d been so blind.
I leaned forward and lightly pressed my lips against his.
But he didn’t kiss me back.
He shifted so that his face was a few inches from mine. “We’re still in a cage. Running from your dad makes it hard to have a normal life.”