“I thought you were…” my voice trailed off.
He stopped searching and looked over at me. “You thought I was what? Taking a dump or something?”
“No,” I said with a laugh. “I thought maybe you were busy with someone new.”
He smiled. “Didn’t even cross my mind.”
I shook my head and kept searching. “Well, I don’t believe that. Surely there’s someone out there that isn’t such a mess.”
“Hey.” He grabbed my hand. “I don’t want someone else. All I’ve been doing is thinking about you. Wondering where you were. If you were safe. If you were happy. Dreaming of you.” He looked back at the snow.
“I dreamed about you too. All the time. It was weird having seen pictures of this house.” I started digging in the snow again. “It was easy to picture you here being happy.”
“I wasn’t happy without you.”
“Me either.” Talking to Miller was so…easy. There was never any second guessing what he said. He just told me the truth. And it was easy to be honest with him. “And you already know that some of my dreams about you were quite sinful,” I said.
He laughed. “Certainly not as sinful as mine.”
I would have been distracted by his comment, but my hands finally collided with something hard. “Ah! I found it!” I pulled the box out from under the snow. The silver foil wrapping paper looked fine, maybe just a little frosty. But the big red bow on top looked a little sad. I hoped everything wasn’t soaked inside. “Merry Christmas, Miller.” I handed it to him.
He helped me to my feet as I closed the door. “We should probably change,” he said.
“Nope. Not until you open that before it melts.”
“Before it melts?” He just stared at me. “What is it?”
I pulled off my gloves and rubbed my frozen fingers together. “Just open it.” But he was right, I was cold. And if the frozen box was any indication, everything inside was plenty cold. “We can open it in front of the fire.”
Miller pulled off his wet hoodie as we sat down on the floor right in front of the fireplace.
I sighed as I stared at his abs. I remembered him rolling around in the sand, laughing. I should have kissed him right then. When we both looked like sugar doughnuts. All my memories of the beach house were tarnished because of how stubborn I had been. I’d pushed him away every time he got close. And I wondered if he thought I’d do that again now.
“You okay?” he asked.
“What? Yeah.” I shook my head. “I was just…you gave me a perfect Christmas last year.”
The corner of his mouth ticked up.
“And I want this to be your perfect Christmas this year.”
“It already has been.”
“Hopefully it’s about to be even better.” I tapped on the top of the box and it felt like mush between my fingers. “Ew, gross. It’s ruined.”
“It’s just a box. Who cares what’s on the outside.”
I smiled. I wasn’t even sure he meant for that to affect me in the way it did. But I was really happy he cared about what was on the inside. That he liked me for me. I’d been so torn up about being a Sanders or a Pruitt or a Caldwell. Thinking about the Caldwell last name felt like a punch in the gut. I swallowed hard and tried to shove the feeling away. None of that mattered. I was just a Sanders now.
Miller untied the soggy red bow and somehow managed to get the mush wrapping paper off. He lifted the lid off the box and I could have cried. Because somehow everything inside seemed fine.
He picked up the oversized mugs. Brooklyn and Miller were written on them. Although, if I’d known his name was Richard I totally would have put Little Dicky on his mug. There was also hot chocolate and mini marshmallows. The perfect things for a cold winter night.
There was a picnic blanket and a cooler for spring picnics.
He laughed when he lifted up the bright yellow swim trunks. I knew they were way too loud for him. But I also hoped that he’d laugh just like he had when he saw them. And they reminded me of the time we’d spent at the beach house.
There was also a set of bowls with our names on them too. They were the perfect size for ice cream. Which we’d started sharing last fall. It was the first time we’d really bonded. Over a bowl of ice cream. “Open the cooler,” I said.
He opened the cooler and lifted up the pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream.
I reached out and was happy it was still frozen. Although, now that I thought about it that should have been the least of my concerns. The snow outside was probably just as cold as a freezer. “I got things for every season. The hot chocolate mugs for winter. The picnic blanket for spring. The swim trunks for summer. And the ice cream bowls for fall.”
He didn’t ask why the ice cream was for fall. He just looked up with a smile on his face. Because he knew.
Memories had a strange way of fading. But it was weird with Miller. Like for some reason all the ones with him were brighter. More clear. Like I was hyper focused on every moment we’d ever shared.
I waited for him to say something…but he didn’t.
“I wanted you to know that I’ve loved every season with you. And I want to keep spending every season with you. And I don’t care if we’re in NYC, or the beach, or here. I mean, I’d prefer to stay here.” He still didn’t say anything, so I kept rambling. “I think maybe the whole time I actually picked out the perfect place for us. Not just you. But us together. And I want to stay. If you’ll have me.”
He looked back down at the ice cream container in his hand.
“I know I hurt you. And I can’t really explain away what I did. All I can say is that I was broken. But…I took that time away to heal. And I know what I want. I want you and only you. And I know that we’re hiding out from my dad. But I don’t think this place will feel like a cage. I think everywhere I am with you just feels like…home.”
He still didn’t say anything.
“I know I said I’d rather be in a cage with you than anywhere without you. But…I think I had it all wrong. My mind has been so twisted about my feelings of the beach house. I loved being there with you. I had some of the best days of my life there. And I think I was trying to convince myself that I was sick in the head for thinking that. How could I possibly be happy locked up? But I wasn’t locked up. I had my best friend there with me.”
He cleared his throat. “You want some ice cream?” He stood up.
What? “Miller.” I stood up and grabbed his hand. “I’m sorry. Did I do something wrong? I…” my voice trailed off when I saw that there were tears welling in his eyes.
I’d seen him this emotional once before. When I told him I was choosing Matt the first time. I swallowed hard. “Miller?”
He exhaled slowly. “Do you really want to stay? You want to use all these things with me? You want to live here even though you can’t use your real name outside these walls?”
“Of course. All that matters is that we’re together.”
“You already broke me once, Brooklyn.”
I blinked away the tears in my eyes. “I know. I don’t think there’s anything I can say to undo what I’ve done. But…I’m here. I’m choosing you.”