I’d left New York behind for a reason. Because my dad had painted a picture for me…of everyone being better off without me. Matt being happy. The Untouchables being friends again. Kennedy and Felix possibly becoming more than friends.
I hadn’t believed it at first. I hadn’t wanted to believe it. But I saw the pictures. And then I saw it for myself. The image of Matt in that pool with the brunette girl would always be seared into my brain.
They were all supposed to be better off. So why the hell had James married Isabella? Where were his friends when he needed them? Were they not speaking again? Were they still not friends? My stomach twisted into knots. I was so disappointed that James had married Isabella. Knowing everything she did to me. But I was more disappointed in Matt, Mason, and Rob. They were supposed to have his back. They were supposed to care more than that. It felt like my heart was breaking in two.
“I…” my voice trailed off. Maybe a few years ago, I may have been filled with doubt. Over whether I made the right choice. But it wasn’t my responsibility for anyone else to have a happily ever after. I only had control over my own life. And I couldn’t think about what James was going through. Or anyone else. Sometimes I was bad at putting myself first. But it was really easy for me to put Miller first. To put our baby first. “I don’t want to know any more.”
“Okay.”
I swallowed hard. I needed to believe they were all better off without me. Because I was better off without them.
I looked down at Jacob. Isabella was dead. Which meant he was safe. We were safe. Almost. I tucked Jacob’s blanket a little more snuggly. “Is my father still alive?”
“Yes.”
I nodded. And I did a terrible thing as I snuggled back into Miller’s side. As I looked down at the newborn life, I wished my father would die too. That Miller, Jacob, and I would be safe forever. That my past would never catch up to me.
I needed to believe that. Because I didn’t want to leave my son too early. Like my mom had left me. Like my uncle had left me.
I needed to be here for him.
Chapter 47
6 Months Later - Wednesday
I held Jacob to my chest as I stared out at the frozen lake. I had this sense of dread in my chest. And I had no idea why. But I’d felt it with my mom. With my uncle. Like time was ticking down too quickly and I didn’t know how to stop it.
I heard the crunch of snow behind me. And even though I felt like something terrible was about to happen, I didn’t turn around. Because time had only just started ticking down in my head. And I knew it was just Miller walking up behind me on the dock. We were safe. For now.
Miller wrapped his arms around me, kissing the side of my neck. “How are my two favorite people in the world today?”
I sighed, leaning into Miller. “Worried.”
Even though he was behind me, I could sense his frown.
“I think we need to move.”
He held me tighter. “Brooklyn, we’ve been over this. Isabella’s not out there anymore.”
I knew that. And yet…why was I still nervous? “I can’t stop thinking about my dad. And how he said he’d kill you if you ever touched me again.”
“Like this?” He swept my hair to the side and kissed my neck.
I laughed and turned to him. “I’m serious. I can’t lose you. We both need to be here for Jacob.”
Miller leaned down, kissing Jacob’s forehead. And then his fingers disappeared into my hair as he drew my temple to his lips, kissing it. “I know you’re worried, kid. I also know you haven’t been getting much sleep lately. Why don’t you let me take Jacob and you can take a nap before dinner.”
“It’s not because I’m tired, Miller. I feel this sense of doom in my chest.”
He pulled me closer as if he could warm the feeling from my heart.
“I think if we move…”
“Our life is here. And it’s perfect.”
“I know. It’s almost…too perfect.”
He kissed my forehead again. “There’s no such thing as too perfect. I want to raise all our kids here. I want us to grow old here together.”
I wanted that too. Desperately. But to me it didn’t matter where we were as long as we were together.
A snowflake hit the tip of my nose and I looked up at the sky. Flurries were suddenly dancing around us.
“Remember our first winter here together? When we were out on the lake? And I almost fell through? You saved me. But every day…it feels like I’m falling through that ice all over again.”
“I swear on my life, that I will never let anything bad happen to you. To either of you. Please, Brooklyn. I’m begging you to let this go. I’m begging you to just be happy.”
“I am happy.”
“Worrying every day isn’t being happy.”
I swallowed hard. I didn’t know what it was, but I did worry more now. It felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. When really it was just the weight of Jacob in my arms. I needed to protect him. I needed to protect all of us.
“If anything ever happens to any of us…it’ll be my fault. Because my dad…”
“No. If anything ever happens to any of us, it’ll be my fault. Okay? Because I’m the one protecting you. Not the other way around, kid.”
I tried to blink the tears in my eyes away.
“Remember when you used to get those panic attacks all the time?” He touched the side of my face. “You learned to breathe through them. I know everything feels heavy right now. But I’m here to help you carry that burden.” He lifted Jacob out of my arms. “I need you back, Brooklyn. I need you to breathe through this.”
Tears started welling in my eyes. I knew he thought I had postpartum depression. I didn’t think that was it. I think I just had a lifetime of being scared. But…maybe he was right. “I’m scared all the time.”
“I know.” He pulled me in close. “Okay. I think you’re right. Maybe we need some time away from here. Maybe we should go somewhere sunnier for a bit. I have a few vacation weeks saved up.”
“Thank you.” I knew he didn’t want to leave. But I already felt relieved.
Chapter 48
1 Week Later - Thursday
I picked up my pace as I ran down the beach. Ever since Jacob had been born, Miller and I had stopped running together, since one of us always needed to be with the baby. I missed him by my side.
I missed him period.
Every day that passed here, I felt more like myself. I felt like me again. And I realized just how much Miller was right. I’d been pushing him away. I’d been anxious. It had been hard to get out of bed for a few months. I was worried all the time. But it was all in my head.
I had everything I could possibly want in my life. And I’d let fears of the future creep up on me. I’d vowed to live in the present. I didn’t want to miss out on today because I was so worried about tomorrow. And I did trust Miller to keep us safe.
I paused on the beach, placing my hands on my knees. God, I’d needed this. I breathed in the familiar smell of salty air. I’d needed this so badly. It was like the sun on my skin was exactly what I’d needed to wake up again.