I wandered down to the dock and sat down, my boots dangling over the side.
I closed my eyes and pictured the lake in the summer. All of us laughing out there in the boat.
I felt Miller’s presence before I heard his feet on the dock. He sat down beside me and I kept my eyes closed tight. If I didn’t open them, maybe I wouldn’t cry.
“Brooklyn.” He grabbed my hand, and his was still warm from the fire inside. “I need you to know that I have everything I need right here, kid.”
I let my head fall to his chest. “I know that’s not true.”
“I swear it is.”
I opened my eyes and the tears rolled down my cheeks. “What if something is wrong with me?” I touched my stomach. A habit I needed to stop now that there was no longer a baby growing inside.
“Nothing is wrong with you. Hey, look at me.” He grabbed the bottom of my chin and tilted my face up to his. “Brooklyn, nothing is wrong with you. You’re perfect.”
We both knew that wasn’t true. If nothing was wrong, I wouldn’t have woken up last month with the sheets covered in blood. I wouldn’t have had a miscarriage if I was perfect.
“Whatever you’re thinking, stop it.” He put his hand on the side of my head. “These things happen.”
“I was already picturing what he’d be like.”
Miller smiled, but it was the saddest smile I’d ever seen in my life. A few months ago, this would have been when he’d argue that the baby was going to be a girl, not a boy. But now…it would never be anything. Because my body was broken.
“We can try again,” he said. “When you’re ready.”
I shook my head. “I don’t want to try again. I want him.”
“I know.” He ran his thumbs beneath my eyes, doing his best to erase my tears. “I did too.”
I knew this wasn’t just hard on me. That he was experiencing the loss too. But it felt like my heart had been ripped out. I’d been so happy for so long, I’d forgotten how much life could hurt.
“We’re going to get through this,” Miller said. “Together.”
I nodded and put my head back against his chest. It just hurt. Every inch of my body. Everything hurt. Miller wanted a big family. I thought I did too. But… “What if I’m not strong enough to try again?”
“Are you kidding? You’re the strongest person I know.” He kissed the top of my head and ran his hand up and down my back. “And I meant what I said. I have everything I need right here.”
He was making my heart hurt even more. “We both know that isn’t true.”
“Yes it is. I wanted a life with you. The good, the bad, the ups and downs. Don’t you remember what I said to you three years ago when I finally made you my wife?”
It felt like the first time I’d smiled in months. “Remind me again.”
He shifted so that I could see his face.
“I will spend my whole life loving you, Brooklyn. The life we created here together is better than anything in my wildest dreams. Us against the world.” He put his hand on the side of my face. “The three of us against the world.”
“You swear you mean it? Even if it’s always just the three of us?”
“I swear I mean every word.” He leaned down and kissed me. He didn’t care that my lips were salty from my tears. He just wanted to erase the pain.
I crawled onto his lap and stared into his eyes. “I think I need it to be just the three of us for a while, okay? Because my heart hurts so damn much.”
“Mine too. I also think maybe we can take our vacation a little early this year.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper with a travel itinerary.
“You already booked our beach trip?” He always knew how to turn my frowns into smiles.
He grabbed my hand and kissed where my wedding and engagement rings sat. “I know how to make my wife happy.”
I smiled down at him. “Yes you do.” I dropped my forehead to his. Being in his arms made everything hurt a little less.
Chapter 52
Friday
Jacob started laughing.
I put my book down on the beach blanket and stared at Jacob and Miller practicing football in the sand. I smiled to myself as Jacob threw the ball a few feet right onto the ground.
“Good job, champ,” Miller said and picked it up. “You almost got it right to me!” He tossed the ball back to Jacob and crouched down. “Let’s try that again.” He put his hands out for Jacob to throw them in.
This time when Jacob threw it, Miller was close enough to the ground to catch it. “You did it!” Miller cheered.
“Yessie!” Jacob started doing his signature touchdown dance. Which was him shaking his little hips.
“Mommy!” Jacob yelled and raced toward me. “I did it!” He launched himself into my arms, getting sand all over me. But I didn’t even care. He was my little sugar-coated doughnut and I loved him to pieces.
“I saw.” I held him tight. “It was a perfect throw.” I started attacking him with kisses.
He giggled as he wriggled in my arms. “Jump! Jump!”
I knew exactly what he wanted. I grabbed one of his hands as I slowly stood up, and Miller grabbed his other hand. We all ran down to the water together.
Every time a wave came we lifted him up so he could pretend he was jumping them. It was his favorite thing in the world. Well, this and football. And I’d keep doing this until my arm ached because his smiles made me smile.
I looked over at Miller. And I was very aware that he was smiling over at me instead of down at our son.
And I have no idea why, but I could feel myself blushing. How could he still make me blush after all these years?
***
“Wake up,” Miller whispered. “I have a surprise for you.”
“Miller, you know I don’t like surprises.” But I could already feel myself smiling as I sat up in bed.
“Oh, I think you’ll like this one. I got the monitor so we don’t have to worry.” He held up the baby monitor. “I just need you to come with me.” He put his hand out for me.
“Shouldn’t I change?”
“No. You look amazing just the way you are.”
I smiled and slid my hand into his. I loved that whatever he had planned didn’t require me to change into something fancy. Or put on many clothes in general. I had gone to bed in one of his old t-shirts.
I held his hand as he guided me out of the beach house and down the stairs of the deck.
The sand was cold now. But I knew I didn’t need to hop along on it for very long because I could see our destination in the distance.
Miller had strung lights between two beach umbrellas and there was a blanket underneath them. It was like a little piece of our backyard at the lake house had been plopped down in the middle of the beach. But it also reminded me of the little blanket fort he’d made me one of those first nights, years ago, at the beach house when I swore I needed to be outside.
“Happy anniversary, a few days late,” Miller said when we reached the blanket.
I smiled up at him. “Happy anniversary. This is a little different than saying ‘I do’ in the snow.”