“Miller,” I choked. “Miller!” I screamed at the top of my lungs, while still holding on to Jacob.
Oh God, oh God, oh God.
There was another loud blast that somehow made it through the ringing in my ears as the roof of the car peeled back.
“Miller!” I didn’t know how I got to the car. I didn’t remember letting go of Jacob. Or running over here. But I was reaching out for the door handle, I could feel the heat on my skin before I even made contact with the handle. And still I reached out. “Miller!” But before I could wrap my hand around the handle, the door fell off its hinges. The smoldering air escaped the car and threw me back, my elbows skidding across the pavement.
The smell of blood swirled around with the smoke and dust.
“Miller.” I wasn’t screaming anymore. All I could see were flames. I didn’t see my husband. I couldn’t see my husband. “Miller,” I sobbed. “Miller.” The car blurred in front of me. “Miller.” All I could see were flames. The heat on my face. The smell of burning. The smell of death. “Miller.”
I pushed myself up and ran back to the car. I saw Miller through the flames then. Or…what was left of him. Slumped over the steering wheel.
No. All I could smell now was the burnt flesh. It was like I could taste it in my mouth. Death. The smell of death all around me, suffocating me.
I tried to reach into the car but twisted metal and debris were in the way. “Miller!”
He didn’t move. He didn’t respond at all. And I knew there was nothing left in him to respond. He wasn’t there. I felt it in my bones. He wasn’t with me anymore. He was gone.
No. My tears burned my eyes and I tried to reach into the car again.
My forearm hit one of the bent pieces of metal and it scorched my skin.
I screamed and for the first time I could hear myself through the ringing in my ears. Broken sobs ripped through my chest. “Miller!” I screamed. No.
He couldn’t be gone. He couldn’t. I needed him. “Miller.”
I needed him.
“Miller,” I choked.
I don’t know how I ended up on the ground again. But I knew I was kneeling there, because Jacob grabbed both sides of my face, his little hands spreading my tears on my cheeks. His tear-stained eyes finding mine. “Mommy,” he said in an eerily calm voice. “Go bags.”
Go bags. Oh God. Oh God.
My father had found us.
He’d made good on his promise.
Miller was never supposed to touch me.
I screamed at the top of my lungs. Like I’d screamed on the beach all those times. Like I’d screamed a few months ago when I couldn’t get pregnant. But I screamed louder.
Because this felt worse than losing my mom.
Worse than losing my uncle.
Worse than losing my life back in New York.
This was losing everything.
My heart.
My soul.
My home.
I’d lost loved ones before. And it always felt like my heart was breaking. But this time was different. This time my heart was burning. Like my chest was on fire. Scorched, never to beat again. No pieces to put back together. It was gone. A piece of me died in that car with Miller.
But it was like I could hear Miller’s voice in my ear.
Run.
Run, kid.
So I grabbed Jacob, holding him as tightly to me as I could, and I ran.
Chapter 56
Thursday
Miller had been teaching Jacob about our go bags for as long as I could remember. That if something scary ever happened, we were supposed to grab them and run as fast as possible. Jacob had approached the situation exactly like Miller had taught him to. Where I’d been screaming and crying uncontrollably, Jacob had remained stoic and calm. My little boy was so brave. So much braver than me.
My hand shook as I put in the code for the safe. I pulled out the gun and slipped it into my bag. I lifted Jacob into my arms and started running to the front door.
“No,” Jacob said as I grabbed Miller’s keys off the key hook. He pointed out the back door toward the woods.
God, he was right. My car had had a bomb in it. Maybe Miller’s truck did too. And I wondered what on earth Miller had taught our son. Because this was beyond a “scary situation.” It was like he knew exactly how to act in this particular situation. But this wasn’t the time or place to ask him about it. He’d reminded me of the danger we were in. And I was pretty sure that he’d saved us.
Jacob remained eerily calm as we ran through the woods and hotwired a neighbor’s car. But as soon as I buckled him into the backseat, it was like a dam broke.
All the training Miller had given him ended as soon as he felt like we were in the clear. His tears bubbled over and he started crying louder than me. “Daddy!” he wailed. “I want Daddy!”
I winced as I sped down the highway. Jacob had seen it. He’d seen what I’d seen. He knew Miller was gone. And I needed to comfort him. But I felt like I was burning too. Like my whole body was on fire. “We’re going to be okay,” I said, even though I didn’t believe the words out of my own mouth. I wasn’t okay. I’d never be okay again.
“Daddy!” Jacob sobbed, making my heart feel even more scorched.
I didn’t know where we were going. But I had to get the hell away from here.
Miller was dead.
I’d fled the scene.
I’d stolen a car.
I had a fake ID in my go bag.
I was so fucked. And I needed to get away from here to protect my son. I’d do anything to protect him. I reached behind me while still looking at the road and put my hand on Jacob’s knee.
My other hand shook on the steering wheel.
My vision blurred with tears. I tried my best to blink them away.
But I kept driving.
All I could hear was Jacob sobbing. All I could smell was the stench of burnt flesh that was stuck in my nose.
God, I can’t do this. I can’t do this without Miller. I tried to push away the thought, but it was true. I couldn’t do life without him.
But then I felt Jacob wrap his little hand around mine and hold on.
It gave me the strength to keep driving.
We still had each other.
I’d get us somewhere safe.
Chapter 57
2 Weeks Later - Friday
I’d rented the tiniest place I could find at the beach. One - so that I could keep my eyes on the one entrance at all times. And two - because one bed meant I wouldn’t have to explain to Jacob why I needed to snuggle up to him all night.
But tonight we were sitting on the beach under the stars. Because this was where I felt closest to Miller.
We were written in the stars.
I blinked away the tears as I stared up at the sky. How many nights had we sat on the beach just like this? And even more nights at the lake. He was here with me. And I knew if I closed my eyes I could imagine that he was. But I’d done that enough times over the past couple weeks to know how much it hurt when I opened my eyes again.
“I miss Daddy,” Jacob said.
I turned to him. I’d thought he was sleeping. “I miss Daddy too.”
“I want to go home.”
Me too, sweet boy. But that wasn’t an option. I’d fled the scene of a crime. I knew the cops were probably looking for me. And even if they weren’t…my father had found us. We weren’t safe there.