Oh. Eat me. He lifted one of my thighs over his shoulder. Oh God. Miller was ridiculously good at erasing my worries. He slowly swirled his tongue around inside of me. Yes. Just like that.
Chapter 54
1 Year Later - Friday
“I can’t believe our little boy is four. How did that happen?”
“I can’t believe it either.” Miller wrapped his arms around me from behind, resting his head on my shoulder.
We stared down at the lake where Jacob was fighting an imaginary foe with a sword. Well, actually a stick. But he swore it was a sword.
“Daddy, Daddy!” Jacob ran up to us. “Cowboys and Indians!”
“You got it, champ.” Miller took out two imaginary guns from his waistband. “Best get on yer way, son.”
Jacob loved watching old movies with Miller. And I think he felt some kind of comradery with how Native Americans were depicted. Mostly because they didn’t wear shirts. Jacob was convinced he was an Indian.
Jacob put his hand to his mouth and tapped it repeatedly, chanting, “Oh, oh, oh, oh.” It sounded like an Indian war cry. Which meant he was about to attack.
Miller took a step back like it was terrifying. “I said get!” He held out one of his fake guns.
Jacob pulled back one of his arms and shot fake arrows at Miller.
“I’m hit!” Miller said, grabbing his chest. “No! Save yourself, woman!” He looked over at me.
I laughed as Miller collapsed on the ground with a flourish.
Jacob started chanting again. Dancing around with his fake bow and arrow.
Miller opened one eye and then closed it again.
“Daddy!” Jacob said and jumped on top of Miller.
“Oomph.”
“You’re a knight now. Get up.”
Miller opened his eyes. He reached out beside him and grabbed at the air. “I dropped my sword.”
I heard the timer beeping inside. Jacob’s cupcakes were ready.
***
Miller was giving Jacob a bath. The cute little dude had gotten cuppycakes pretty much everywhere. I smiled to myself. If I could have made a wish on his birthday candles, I would have wished that he’d call cupcakes cuppycakes for a little while longer. He was growing up too fast. Really…how was he already four?
There was another wish I’d make though. I sat down on the bathroom floor and closed my eyes instead of glancing at the pregnancy test too early.
Months and months of negative tests were starting to weigh on me. What if there really was something wrong with me?
I’d take back the cupcake wish if it meant I could get pregnant again. I wanted to give Jacob a sister. Or a brother. Desperately. And if I had another kid, I wouldn’t feel so bad about not letting Jacob go to school next year. He’d get to socialize with his sibling. Hopefully siblings plural. But that was jumping the gun a bit. I couldn’t seem to get pregnant with one more kid, let alone two or three.
I closed my eyes tighter. Please. I wasn’t even sure who I was begging. But I kept saying please in my head over and over again.
There was a knock on the bathroom door. I opened my eyes as Miller popped his head in.
“I can’t look,” I said, avoiding glancing down at the test.
Miller grabbed the stick from my hand and then sat down next to me on the bathroom floor.
He looked down. He was good at hiding his emotions about this. I think he wanted to make sure I didn’t feel bad that I couldn’t give him another child. Even though it was breaking me in two regardless. We’d wanted a big family.
He finally looked up at me and smiled. But the smile didn’t reach his eyes.
And I already knew what he was going to say.
“Just the three of us for a little longer.”
It was the sweetest way he could possibly put it. But I felt myself deflating.
“Don’t,” he said, pulling me into his side. “Don’t be upset about something that isn’t in your control.” He kissed my temple, holding me tight.
It was easy to melt into him, letting him take away some of my pain. “Maybe next month,” I said, even though I wasn’t sure I believed the words.
“Maybe. And look on the bright side. It means you can have a glass of wine tonight.”
I smiled up at him. “That’s true.”
“And that you can eat sushi for at least another month.”
I laughed. “You know I don’t like sushi.”
“Well, now you have another month to try some new varieties. I really think if you tried it again…”
“I promise you I don’t like it.”
“You’re very unadventurous.”
“Really? If I recall correctly, I escaped from a mob boss, lived on my own for months barely scraping by because I wanted to see the Pacific Ocean, and shagged my bodyguard. I even know how to use a gun. I’m very adventurous.”
“I stand corrected.” Miller pushed himself up off the floor and put his hand out for me. “Come on my adventurous wife. I know just what you need.”
“And what is it that I need?”
“I’m going to need you to trust me on that one.” He put his hand closer to me.
Of course I trusted him. I put my hand in his and let him help me to my feet.
He led me past Jacob’s bedroom. Jacob was fast asleep. He’d had a busy birthday. I bet he’d fallen asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
Miller led me down the hall, through the great room, and out the back door.
“Where are we going?” I said with a laugh as we walked through the grass. God I loved the summer. There was something magical about walking barefoot in the grass.
We walked onto the dock and he led me to the very end.
“Okay,” he said. “Do your thing.”
“What thing?” Did he want me to jump in or something?
“Your thing.”
I laughed. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Scream, kid. Scream it all out.”
I hadn’t done that in ages. I remember screaming at the top of my lungs at the beach house when I was frustrated. I knew he’d seen me do it. Or at least heard me do it. I smiled over at him.
“Come on, we’ll do it together,” he said and squeezed my hand.
“Won’t someone hear us?” The night was quiet, except for the hum of cicadas in the trees. I always thought my screams at the beach got swept up with the crashing waves.
Instead of responding, he turned to the water and screamed at the top of his lungs.
I smiled and then turned to the lake. And I screamed at the top of my lungs too. I screamed for the baby we lost. I screamed for the dozens of wasted pregnancy tests. I screamed out my frustrations. I screamed so loudly that my throat hurt.
I was panting when I was done, my chest rising and falling fast. “Wow that felt good.”
“You know what else would feel good?”
“What?”
He shoved me off the deck and into the cold water before I had a chance to register what was happening. “What the hell?!” I yelled when I came up for air. I splashed water at him.
He jumped into the lake beside me. “I thought a late-night swim might be fun.”
“You’re ridiculous.”
“It’s a shame that you think so. Because you’re stuck with me.”