“So I determined that I’d never, ever be put in that position again.”
“You didn’t become a lawyer to protect other people?” Alessa asked kindly.
“I know that’s the polite answer, but no. I-It made me selfish, I guess. I know that’s horrible of me, but—”
“Self-preservation isn’t horrible,” Giulia denied.
Grateful, I nodded. “I wanted big cases. I wanted money. I wanted to make a name for myself. Anything to never be in that position again.” Revulsion whispered through me. “Grizzly always used to give me shit for hanging around Rex. Saying that I was only with him because he was Bear’s son. I knew to avoid him like the plague, but I couldn’t avoid him that night.”
“It’s interesting that you defend the scum of the earth,” Lodestar mused as she reached for a bottle of Coke, but I could tell she was interested. She didn’t judge me, merely found my actions confusing.
“They pay the most.” I hitched a shoulder. “Rex pays me a fortune to be on retainer for the Sinners, and then there are my other clients. No one can touch me unless I want them to now. No one could ever say that I was the daughter of a whore and that I asked for it.” My mouth tightened. “I pay it back in other ways.”
“How?” Tiffany asked.
“I’m sure Lily’s told you,” I replied impatiently.
“No. She hasn’t,” was Tiffany’s reply. “Confidentiality is important to us.”
“I wouldn’t jeopardize my position by talking about things that you might not want discussed,” Lily answered with a soft smile. “I like my new position. I don’t want to find myself out of it.”
“It’s not a secret that I have charities I-I founded. That’s where I make changes happen.” I sucked in a breath. “I went to war, on my own terms, and Rex helped me.
“Lodestar, you’re right. He stood by me even when I told him I didn’t want to see him anymore. But…” This time, my exhalation was shakier than the subsequent inhalation. “I wonder if I did us both a disservice. I thought, with time, this would get better. Easier to manage. Instead, there’s no real difference between back then and now.”
“Probably because you’ve bottled it up, babe,” Giulia remarked. “It happened nearly twenty years ago and you still find it hard to say you were raped. Plus, last night, you were all, ‘What I’ve gone through isn’t as bad as what some of the others here have gone through.’”
Tiffany’s nose crinkled. “Comparing yourself, your trauma, to another person doesn’t serve anyone. Did you know PTSD can be triggered in some people by simply watching a TV documentary of wars? It can be that simple and still complex.
“We’re so desensitized to violence and extreme behavior now that we forget to recognize the devastating effects of such things on our minds. You comparing yourself to another woman merely locks your trauma away. It diminishes it.
“At the time, you were hurt. At the time, your choice was denied to you. At the time, they made you feel lesser than. At the time, you knew you had no recourse, no way to stop them from doing it again. You do yourself a disservice by comparing what you went through to another woman.” She cast a look around the table. “And I say this to all of you. You know we’ve talked about this so many times. You invalidate your own pain when you do this, and it merely makes it harder on you to accept what happened as fact.
“They had no right to do what they did.” She shot me an apologetic look. “This might sound trite, but I’d like you all to repeat that.”
Giulia cleared her throat. “He had no right to do what he did.”
She was the first to say it, and then, almost in tandem, the rest of the group, including myself, whispered, “They had no right to do what they did.” Even Lodestar joined in.
I couldn’t say that the utterance of those words made it easier for me to breathe. That it lowered the burden on me. That it diminished what had happened. But something about us all going through that, about us all being together, chanting it like it was a mantra—it wormed its way inside me.
We spent another forty minutes talking in that circle, and then, we drifted apart. Lodestar returned to her computer, Stone had to rush off for her shift, but Indy and Giulia trudged into another room to go and watch TV, and Lily and Tiff stayed at the table and had some coffee. Amara and Alessa started chatting in Ukrainian, and while I could have joined in with any of them, for some bewildering reason, I found myself heading toward Lodestar in the kitchen.
She peered over her screen at me. “What do you want?”
I shrugged. “Nothing.” Her gaze was suspicious, but I ignored it to tell her, “Thank you for what you said in there.”
“Nothing to thank me for,” she dismissed, fingers clacking as she worked. “It’s how I feel, and I’ve seen you in a courtroom. I’ve also taken note of the cases you cherry pick.
“Murders are fine, especially if it’s mafia or gang-related. If a woman’s been butchered, you’ll have nothing to do with it. No rapists or anything like that. You want money and you’ll abandon some of your principles, but you have standards. I can empathize.”
Studying her a second, I murmured, “I’d have liked to have met you before the world hurt you, Lodestar.”
She blinked at me. “Same, Rachel. Same.”
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re. Meeting
I spoke about what happened to me today.
It was hard.
If I don’t answer the phone, that’s why, okay? There’s nothing wrong; it was just intense.
R
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re. Meeting
What did you tell them?
You know, when we were younger, I used to dream about the day you’d tell me what happened. Well, it was more of a nightmare. But, you know what I mean.
I used to hope there’d come a day where you’d open up, only you never did.
I know it was a defense mechanism. I know you were protecting yourself. I’m proud of you for that.
K
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re. Meeting
I’ve started this email a couple times. I wasn’t going to reply, but I couldn’t stop myself. That doesn’t mean this is the original email. I’ve written it a few times, but it’s difficult to express the words. Even harder to express them to you.
In the end, it was Giulia who started the discussion. I’m grateful for that even if it’s proof I still find it impossible to talk about it.
After, Tiffany asked me how you reacted to what happened to me.
I said I’d never told you.
The others were up in arms, saying their guys would have made them talk, but Lodestar stood up for you.