She verbalized something I don’t think I ever could—you backed me.
It was just in your own way.
You always do that though. You fix and you support and you believe in boundaries.
After everything happened, I needed that.
I just don’t know if I do now.
I’ve changed. Before you say anything—some things haven’t changed. I can’t tell you how badly I regret waking up and demanding that you get away from me.
Thinking of you riding off how you did will haunt me until the day I goddamn die.
Did I tell you I puked after you left?
A part of that was because of the nightmare, but thinking I’d pushed you away was even worse.
There’s some stuff going on, and I think that’s helped me change too. It’s a slow process, but I don’t think I need you to fix and to support and to believe in boundaries now.
I think I need you to push.
I just don’t know what form that takes.
Sorry that’s not more help.
I love you. Thank you for being there for me.
Rachel
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re. Meeting
We’re adults.
Those are the words you were looking for.
That’s the major source of the changes in you. You’re not a scared kid anymore, but a strong, independent woman who knows her worth.
And you never have to thank me for being there for you, Rachel. You’re my fucking life. Don’t you know that by now?
Every day spent apart from you is a wasted goddamn day. The only worthwhile time away from you has been here, now. Our kid needs me. She might not want to admit it, but she does.
I think, God help me, when I look at her, I see you.
Rough around the edges and battered by life—already.
That’s why I’m still here.
If she’d been happily tucked away in suburbia, content in her twelve-grand-a-semester high school, I might have been able to come home.
But she isn’t, Rach.
She’s not supposed to be battered by life at her fucking age. I paid to make sure that didn’t happen, goddammit. I wanted her to have the best, and somehow, even though I fucking tried, I messed that up as well.
There’s an irony to the fact that you’re thanking me for not pushing, for fixing, back when you were seventeen.
Do you know how impossible that was for me?
I swear, you made me into the man standing here today.
I didn’t just want to fix. I wanted to solve. I wanted to make everything better for you. I wanted to whitewash over the problems and to make them go away. I only didn’t because Mom stepped in.
You know what she was like: always aware of everything that was happening in the clubhouse. Did you go to her afterward? Did she help you?
I hope she did.
I hope you had her love in the aftermath when you wouldn’t accept mine.
She was the one who told me to stand by your side, but to let you forge your own path.
It was so fucking hard to listen, especially when you pulled away. Then shit seemed to get better. You got into college, and you came to me and… Well, you know. That’s why Wynter’s here. I thought maybe, with time, you’d come around, but then that fucker died and everything derailed.
I’ve been coasting ever since; did you know that?
Stuck in fucking neutral.
I can’t even tell you how badly I wanna be in first fucking gear.
Love you,
K
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re. Meeting
Hell, I didn’t even go to Axel, never mind your mom.
Looking back, I probably should have. If there was anyone who’d have told me I wasn’t like my mother, who’d have fought for me and who’d have listened, it was her.
I was a dumbass not to go to her.
She’d have gotten Grizzly kicked out of the MC; I know she would have.
Damn, I’m so mad at myself.
So many things would have been different if I’d done that.
Your email made me realize how crazy it was that I didn’t draw a parallel between both of you before.
Your dad acted first, regretted his actions later.
Your mom thought first, acted, and every move she made was as precise as the strike of a surgeon’s scalpel.
That wasn’t to say your dad was thoughtless. Just not as strategic, I guess.
You’ve been herding me for years, haven’t you? Waiting for the day I’d come around…
I guess I should be pissed about that.
R
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re. Meeting
Nothing to be pissed about.
Anyone with eyes could see that I was paving the way forward. This will be the first time that I admit I had no idea what path I was paving. Forward was my only destination. Because forward was the future and each day put distance between then and now.
Mom would have gotten Grizzly kicked out. It was dumb of me to think you’d gone to her because there were no consequences for that fucker, were there?
She’d have made sure he paid. I wish you had gone to her too but there’s no use in regretting what happened. We can only try to make tomorrow brighter than yesterday.
You know what Sin did to him, don’t you?
I hope you do.
I’ll tell you when we next meet.
There will always be a next time for us, Rachel.
That’s a truth I live by.
K
PART 3
“MANY THAT LIVE DESERVE DEATH. AND SOME THAT DIE DESERVE LIFE. CAN YOU GIVE IT TO THEM? THEN DO NOT BE TOO EAGER TO DEAL OUT DEATH IN JUDGEMENT. FOR EVEN THE VERY WISE CANNOT SEE ALL ENDS.”
- J. R. R. TOLKIEN
FORTY-TWO
NYX
The scent of dog shit was heavy in the air.
The last time I’d seen this done, I’d laughed.
It was a classic act of hazing.
Shove some dog shit in a bag, dump it on the front stoop, then set fire to the fucker, leaving a poor unsuspecting Prospect to stomp it out and have dog shit exploding everywhere.
Hi-fucking-larious.
Using shit in pranks was high on the brothers’ limited repertoire.
When Hawk had been hit with a similar prank—shit under a pile of leaves that smeared everywhere when he swept it away—I’d thought he deserved it.
He’d been a miserable fucker most of the time; barely twitched his lips into a grimace, never mind a smile.
Things had changed since then. He’d proven himself to be a dependable guy, one of Sin’s most trustworthy men. He still didn’t smile all that much, even if I knew he was happy. Technically, we were brothers-in-law, but that didn’t mean I had to cut him any slack.
Unlike Hawk, however, Harlow was being put through his paces but I didn’t approve of their methods.