He looked like he was going to say something else, but he didn’t. He gathered himself together and then walked out the door.
A HALF-HOUR LATER, Vivian was sobbing as she tried to explain the whole situation to Megan.
They were both sitting on her couch. Megan’s hair was half dry and smoothly shiny and half damp in wild waves, evidence that she’d stopped working on her hair the minute Vivian texted and ran over here without any hesitation.
“Maybe he just needs time,” Megan said during a pause in the tearful explanation. “It happened so quickly. Maybe he just needs a little time to process and figure out that he’s really able to do this.”
“It didn’t happen quickly. It’s been a year!” The last word came out as almost a wail.
“Yeah, but a year of flirting and circling around each other with both of you convinced nothing would ever happen. You actually getting together happened in a couple of days. It’s disorienting. He somehow convinced himself he was never going to be part of a real relationship or live the kind of life that other people live, and that’s not something you can shake off overnight.”
“But I can’t wait around for him. I can’t. It’s not good for me.”
“No. It’s not. You did the right thing. You guys were too far gone for casual dating, and you need to stand up for yourself. You did good. I know it hurts, but you did really good.”
Vivian sobbed some more. It felt like she was never going to be able to stop. And she had to teach class in a few hours, so she’d have to eventually pull herself together.
“But I’m absolutely convinced that that man is hopelessly in love with you. I could see it any time he looked at you. He’s got a lot of baggage, but he might be able to work through it. So go ahead and live your life as if he’s never coming back, but I’m not going to give up hope quite yet.”
Vivian tried to reply. Tried to nod. Couldn’t do anything but cry.
Megan’s face twisted in concern. “I can text Britt if you want. She’ll leave class and come over here right now. I know she would. She’s way better at this than I am.”
“No. It’s not that big an emergency. I don’t want to pull her out of class. I’ll be okay. I just thought... I guess love is always messy. I was so happy.”
“I know. I know. I’m so sorry. But maybe—”
Before she could finish the sentence, there was a knock on the door. Both of them blinked and stared at each other.
“Did you text Britt anyway?” Vivian asked.
“No. I promise I didn’t. Maybe...” Megan’s face brightened, and she jumped up to run to the door.
Before Vivian could even finish wiping her eyes, Megan swung the door open to reveal Rick in the doorway.
He was breathless. Rumpled. His eyes were strangely wild.
Vivian gaped.
He’d walked out forty minutes ago.
“Okay,” Megan said, clearly trying to hide a grin, “That’s my cue to get going. Just text if you need me.”
Vivian had told Rick not to come back until he’d decided he could really commit to a relationship with her. She’d told him that less than an hour ago.
And here he was. At her door.
With his whole heart in his eyes.
WHEN IT CAME RIGHT down to it, Rick had no idea why he’d left.
It was the last thing he wanted to do. He’d been on the cusp of having everything. His deepest desires turned into reality. Vivian had been sitting there—half-dressed and rumpled and soft and vulnerable and everything.
Life had sudden turned real, and all Rick had to do was reach out and take it.
Instead, he’d left, unsure what to say or what to do or how to take the next step. Frozen by the possibility that the man on the verge of having that life wasn’t really him.
His feet had moved—step by step—in the direction of home, but he wasn’t aware of any of the morning bustle of activity surrounding him. He was watching himself as if from a distance. Like he was hovering in the air above and looking down on himself, doing what he was doing.
He hated it. He hated the person he saw.
He reached his building—he lived in a loft apartment converted from industrial property—and stood in front of the exterior door. He would unlock it. Walk up the stairs. Then open the door into his apartment and go inside.
Return to the life he’d always had and the person he’d always been.
He didn’t open the door.
Instead, he turned on his heel and strode back the way he’d come. He didn’t think about it. Didn’t ponder the options or consequences.
He just walked, and he ended up back at Vivian’s door.
His hand rose to knock on the door before his mind could debate whether he should.
Megan answered the door, but she obviously knew why he was there. She hurried to leave, and then there was no one but Vivian. And him. Staring at each other across the threshold.
She looked like she’d been crying. It hurt because he was the one who had done it to her.
He opened his mouth to ask whether it was okay if he came inside to talk. Instead of saying that, he burst out, “I’ve spent thirty-eight years existing in my own mind, living hundreds of different lives and experiencing everything vicariously. Not for real. And for some reason I assumed that’s the only way I’d be allowed. Other people lived life for real, but not me. And being with you is the first thing—the only thing—that I’ve wanted enough to make me question my life on the sidelines.”
Vivian’s expression broke briefly. “Rick,” she whispered.
Everything was coming out now, and he couldn’t hold the words back. “I don’t know why I left just now. I didn’t want to. And I’m so sorry I hurt you. You’re everything I want. And I want you so much I can hardly contain it. But that means it will change everything. Everything about my life. Who I’ve always been. And I was afraid it wasn’t the person I am. But I think I’m figuring it out. Right now. At this moment. I can finally see.” He took a long, raspy breath. “The person I am with you is the real me. The person I always should have been. And I want to be him. Me. At last.”
He was breathless when he finally stopped talking. He was still standing like a dork in the hallway.
Vivian’s eyes were shining now, and that gave him all the answer he needed. Her cheeks were pink, and her mouth was trembling in a little smile as she stepped out of the doorway. “You want to come in?”
“Yes.” He cleared his throat. “Thanks.”
He stepped inside, and she closed and locked the door behind her. When he faced her again, she was brimming with a warm smile and hugging her arms across her chest.
“Do you think you can forgive me?” he asked. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me or why I did it at all, but I’ll do everything I can never to do it to you again.”
She giggled. Then covered her mouth like it surprised her.
“Seriously? You’re laughing at me.”
“Not really.” She stepped over and stroked his chest in a slow circle. Then raised her hand to cup his jaw. “It’s just kind of funny. You don’t know what’s wrong with you.”